Tag: psychache

random 654

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

The shipping box for my new laptop came today. Now I just have to drop it off at FedEx to ship it. This will give me a chance to go to my old Starbucks hang out in Wellington. I hope that I can take my sister’s car tonight to drop it off, otherwise it will have to be tomorrow morning.

So far my day is going ok despite my allergies flaring up. I have had two sneeze attacks since getting up at noon. I woke up at three-thirty in the morning and fell asleep around six. I slept for about six hours. But I was productive during the early morning hours. I got to work on my book (nothing triggering) and came up with at least six pages. I am excited because this line of writing will be at least fifteen or so pages, if I am able to keep it up.

I am feeling less depressed than I was yesterday. I have more energy and I hope this isn’t a crash before a fall. I still am worried that I am going to lose my data on my laptop. But seeing that I have what I need, my blogs and book, I am not so worried. I have my music on my phone that I can always back up and Amazon has all my music is on cloud. The rest of the music is on CDs (actual CDs not CDRs) so I can always make copies of those to put it back on my phone if need be. It is weird working on my old laptop. I forgot how different the keyboard is. I am just hoping that I don’t have any more blue screens of death or that my monitor screen get funky.

This week is National Suicide prevention week. I think there was a chat on twitter about it that AFSP and Mayo clinic were holding. I wanted to see what it was about but I missed it. I don’t usually say anything, unless they discuss treatment options. Then I will put in my two cents about Jobes’s CAMS and the Aeschi model. More clinicians need to be aware of these two similar modes of therapy if they ever want to get the suicide rates down. Course the biggest hurdle is actually getting the person the help he/she needs before they act. I know it wasn’t easy for me to reach out and get the help I needed in the beginning. It took me several calls to Samaritans before I ever saw my first therapist. And I only saw a therapist after I tried to kill myself because I felt like no one would believe me otherwise. I was an intelligent teen and didn’t seem to have any behavior problems so I just felt like they wouldn’t believe me. I felt that if I cut my wrist, it would give me more creditability. After all, my own mother didn’t believe me when I told her I was suicidal. And it took the school nurse to convince her that I needed help.

There were no anti-suicide campaigns at my high school, least none that I recall. I know now they have a counseling center as well as a health center at the school, thanks in part to the movies they have made around the school and other donations. I don’t know how I got through high school as I was extremely depressed and suicidal. But I guess part of it is the connection I made with the school nurse. After I had my problems, I saw her nearly every day just to say hi and chat for a few minutes. I think those chats were the most helpful.

While I was up in the wee hours of the morning writing, I was also reading a little bit in the Comprehensive Textbook of Suicidology. I wanted to see if they had anything about “suicide careers” by Ronald Maris. And to my surprise it did. I don’t know why I wrote this book off. It also has Shneidman’s ten commonalities of suicide. I also included that in my chapter that I am writing. I think I will make what I am writing a blog post. It will be long as already it is almost seven pages or I could just write about it separately. I haven’t decided yet what I am going to do. But I am glad that I don’t have to go searching for “pathway to suicide” by Maris to find the definition of “suicide career”. The way he defines it, is a lifelong depressing road that ultimately leads to completed suicide. In the book, he uses Sylvia Plath as an example.

In finding this little tidbit of information, I feel energized to continue writing a book that talks about the newer age treatment of suicide rather than the old. I talk about my experiences and hope that one day someone will read my book and not feel so alone. Maybe they will have attempting, maybe they have been thinking about it. I will never know.

all i feel is down

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I can’t stand people this morning. Last night I wrote my FB status that I was depressed. Instead of getting supportive responses, I basically got the cheer up kind, like I had nothing to be sad about bullshit. This morning I got another bought of “stop thinking” that way. Like I have a fucking choice. I feel wicked depressed and I don’t know why. People that don’t have depression have no clue what it is like. You try and make it through the day without trying to kill yourself. But it’s hard to do when you feel you are dead yourself. I feel like there is an envelope enveloping me and I can’t breathe.

I need to take a shower today but I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to stay in bed all day. I do want coffee so I haven’t worked out the logistics to get that. If my sister is home and I take a shower I might get her car and go to Starbucks. If not, I guess I will just have coffee from the Keurig. I finally got the half and half to have coffee at home.

I don’t know why I am so depressed. I know part of it is because my laptop is broken and I am worried that it might not be able to get fixed and I will lose what is on there. Another part is that it is the end of summer where I usually get depressed anyways, though it usually isn’t until the middle of October. It’s the cycle for me. I get this low level depression and then it creeps into a major depression. It’s always the case this time of year. I didn’t ask for it to come around. I just feel so blue.

I am supposed to meet up with my friend today. I told him I would call him after 2 as I know he goes to the gym and is done sometime after that. I really don’t want to see a movie. I just want to get some coffee and talk. I am not a movie goer. I will go if there is something that I want to see but for the most part, I just don’t like going to the movies. I don’t know if it is because of the price or because of the loudness of the theater, but I just don’t like movies. I rather read the book.

Star Trek is coming out soon so I might watch it on my cable. That is something that I do want to see. But it’s nice to watch something at home versus going out. I know it’s not the same but at least I am not paying fifteen dollars for a ticket!

I just woke up and other than getting together with my friend, I have no other plans for the day. I don’t even plan on writing anything for my book because my psychiatrist wants me to take a break and that is what I am doing. I need to clear my head a little bit before I can continue. I hate doing it because it is taking away my goal but my health is more important. Won’t do me any good if I end up in the hospital.

I haven’t had any urges to self-harm in almost 24 hours. I am hoping they stay away but they could come back if I am triggered again. I had thoughts of what I wanted to write but they have left me now. I should have jotted them down when I had a chance.

I am re-reading Darkness Visible by William Styron. It’s a really good book. I started quoting some of his stuff on twitter that I thought was good. I will place some of the quote on my quotes page. Here is a guy that was on the brink of suicide and yet got help. I give him credit for doing it. Not many men will admit they have a problem and get the help they need. That is why stigma is so dangerous. It can kill someone because they don’t want to get help for fear of being downcast. Just like my friends, who are trying to be helpful, are just making me feel like I am a loser or I should be better than that. But I can’t help the way I feel. And right now all I feel is down.

And what is truly depressing is I have used my last k-cup of tribute blend 😦

a good but tiring day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I was up till around five and finally took a bunch of pills to get to sleep, nothing that would hurt me. I slept for about three hours and then slept for six. I am still tired and feel like I could go back to sleep with no problems.

The stress of not being able to use my laptop and worrying that it might catch fire is not sitting well with me. I shut down the laptop after I was able to retrieve my files that I wanted from them. I then uploaded it to Dropbox for safe keeping. When I woke up this morning, or maybe it was before I finally passed out, I made a copy on my portable hard drive. Now I have three copies of all my files. I just have to keep updating it.

I am glad I didn’t give away my old laptop or I would be screwed. And because this thing weighs like 10 lbs I won’t be lugging it. It’s too heavy to carry. It is still portable but I don’t want to run the risk of hurting myself while transporting it. It is going to get used to typing on this laptop because the keys are not as spread out as my new laptop is. I am just grateful that the laptop was under warranty and I can get it fixed, though I know it is going to take several weeks to do.

When I did wake up this afternoon, I found that the Yankees were losing big time to the Red Sox. Yea baby!! We are on the verge of sweeping them!! I then tuned into the OSU game (college football) and they are still beating San Diego State 42-7. I am very happy my teams are on a roll. This will be the second OSU win of the season.

I am feeling very tired. My brain just doesn’t want to wake up despite drinking some tea. I really want to get back to sleep but I fear that I will wake up at an early hour. I don’t feel like working on my book today. I doubt I can write anything useful in it. I don’t want to get myself revved up with emotion.

On another happy note, I was able to find an article using Google that I have been searching for the past few days. It was the last article in which Edwin Shneidman was alive. I was looking for his exact words that he used in the article. I copied it and placed it in my quotes page. I think it is important to note because he was one of the best. I am lucky to have talked to him before he died.

The quote was “How many suicides do you want, and I say I don’t want any, but I want there to be the freedom to do it. I study suicide but I am not pro-suicide. I’m for suicide prevention.” I study suicide so I can possibly prevent my own. That is why I became a member of the AAS and read a lot of articles on suicide and suicide attempts. I figure the only way to conquer the demons is by knowing the demons. Not everything works and sometimes all that does is time.

What is fine for one day is not fine for another

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

Watched the Ohio State football game until halftime. They were leading 30-13 at the half when I decided to take a snooze. I thought I would only be out for twenty minutes. The twenty minutes turned into two hours! I missed the second half of the game. Final score was 40-20. Buckeyes have their first win of the season!

I had ordered some journals as a reward for my writing. I didn’t think I was going to open the package but I wanted to see if that is what I wanted. One of the journals is, the other is not so I am going to return it. It’s so hard buying journals online because you can’t see what they look like before you buy them. Though right now, even though there is a grocery store just a little ways from me, I want to order some ingredients for my cupcake recipe just so I don’t have to go to the store. It’s not like I hate going, its more that I don’t want to waste time on my feet and suffer the consequences afterwards that is preventing me from going. I wanted to go today but I am in a grouchy mood after I woke up from my nap. The kids next door are screamers and there still is a little dog that loves to fricken yap. I want to muzzle all of them! So they got me in a bad mood. I have been up since six this morning because I wanted to listen to my favorite DJ on the country countdown 40. She was filling in for the regular guy Bob Kingsley. I just hope they don’t take her away from Boston!! It was good to hear her voice.

As I was up so early and didn’t know what else to do beside listen to the radio play country hits, I wrote a few pages for my book. I am one page shy of completing my goal for the day. I don’t know what I wanted to write about. I thought what I did write was going to take up four pages, or more, but my condensed style of writing fixed that plan. I guess if I could bullshit, I could write more but it isn’t in me. I can’t bullshit my way out of a paper bag! I found that writing in college way horrendous when something had to be a certain length, like they almost always do. Sometimes I had to make stuff up and it was painful. I am a literal person so I write things literally. The only time I was creative was when I was taking a creative writing course. And eventually, my creativeness got blocked. Half way through the semester, I ran out of gas to my stories. I found that I was writing dark stuff and it was just draining. I couldn’t write a happy story if you paid me. I would have had to experience happiness and I never have.

I finally got Luke Bryan’s latest CD and I love it. There is a song, “Play it again”, that I have been listening to almost non-stop. It is such a cool song. That was one of the reasons I had to listen to the Country top 40. I wanted to see if any songs from this CD made it and sure enough, the first song, that’s my kind of night, was like 28 or something like that. And the CD has been out for only two weeks! I love Luke Bryan’s music.

Tomorrow I am supposed to go out with a friend to see a movie. I am hoping my foot isn’t too bad as I had to cancel plans last week. It sucks when you have chronic pain and can’t keep or make plans because of it. Even though my foot is under the covers, I am still having pain and spasms. I haven’t done anything to warrant it, except going up and down stairs a little bit too much today. But I never know what is too much or not. What is fine for one day is not fine for another. It is so frustrating! That is why I am afraid to go to the grocery store for fear that my plans for tomorrow will have to be canceled because I will have to rest. It sucks.