Tag: psychological pain

it’s 0230

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0230

I woke up around 0230 and I can’t seem to get back to sleep. So I decided to write for a little while.

I made it through the night not drinking. I am really tired but I can’t seem to sleep. Avoiding alcohol was huge tonight. Though I think that if I did drink, I would still be sleeping. Oh well.

My ankle is hurting me so I have taken some pain pills. One more day before I see the new doc about this. I am not too hopeful he is going to find anything wrong with my ankle. But I am scared that I will be placed in a boot. Just in case, I am bringing my old one with me. You never know what he will do. I partly hope that he orders another MRI to see what is going on with my ankle, to make sure nothing has changed since the last one. I know I won’t be having an injection and I will make that clear. I just don’t believe in them and they only work 50% of the time so why chance it. I don’t like those odds. I rather be on oral steroids than have an injection. And I will bring that up to him as well. A friend of mine was telling me that I could have adhesions in the ankle after all this time. I don’t like that idea either. But we’ll see what this doc says. I just hope that it hurts enough when I see him otherwise, I am seeing him for not. I don’t want to be in excruciating pain, but just enough for him to see what I am going through. I have a “rest day” today though with me being up this early, I am not sure how much I will be resting. Sometimes I sleep a few hours and then I am up and others I am sleeping till noon.

I don’t have new answers for the doc. Just the same, single question, “what is wrong with it”? Three years this has been going on and three years, no one can give me a direct answer. If it was a case of tendonitis, I have done everything to make the swelling go down and yet soon as I move it, it flares up again. I can’t be immobile. I also can’t run the risk of wearing a boot around the house for fear of falling down the stairs. Even without the boot, I run the risk of falling because I don’t know where my feet are. There have been a couple of time in the last few weeks where I missed a step or over shot a step and nearly toppled over. If I wasn’t hanging on to the banister, I surely would have fallen. That is the problem with CES, not knowing where your feet are. I am usually good about where they are but when I am tired or when I just wake up and need to go to the bathroom, that “sense” or mindfulness is not always there. My bladder and holding the contents in seem to take priority. Oh the joys of CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. It messes with your proprioception (where things are in space relation) of things. I have this for a long time. It hasn’t gotten better. I just compensate for it really well. But throw in fatigue and that compensation is out the window.

Having a huge boot on my foot won’t help the proprioception much. It will actually make things worse because I won’t be able to feel my foot. Hence why I do not want another boot. I hope I am getting ahead of myself. Thinking of all the possibilities that he could do. I could be placed in a cast. I have before to be kept immobile. I am not working so that doesn’t see like a big deal. When I was working it was a big deal because I had to get around the place. My boss yelled at me because I had to call out but then I showed him the big brace I was wearing and that quieted him down some. I understand that you don’t want your best employees to call out, but when they can’t walk around the lab, they are pretty much useless, especially when a doctor tells you to stay off your foot for twenty-four hours.

All these things can happen. Or nothing at all. Less than 24 hours to find out what the verdict will be. And hopefully, my anxiety will be less.

Cocktails

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

Cocktails

Lately I have started drinking again. Nothing major, just a shot of gin here and there, but the last few nights I have been wanting more than that. I actually have been craving the alcohol. I have been a binge drinker in the past so I am trying to stop it but I don’t think I can. And with the amount of pain meds I take, drinking that hard would be a disaster.

I have had a hell of a day. I really need to shower because not only did I crap myself, I also leaked. Fun. I swear next week I am getting the damn diapers so I don’t have to worry about soiling my underwear anymore. Oh and the weather decided to be back up to almost 80 and be muggy. I thought we were done with this shit. So I guess it was good I didn’t shower this morning like I wanted to because I would have to shower again tonight. I am waiting for my pain meds to kick in so I can stand long enough to do this task.

I had to deal with my father today, which is mostly the reason I drink. He just brings out the best of me because I have no other outlet. Today I spent all morning and most of the afternoon waiting for the stupid visiting nurse to deal with him. The nurse on Sunday got all his fucking meds wrong. What a fucking airhead. And today’s nurse had to look at all the bottles because I could be lying. No, I know what my father is taking, thank you very much. I go to each and every one of his medical appointments. I am his “secretary” when it comes to his medical stuff. Thing is, I am supposed to schedule his PCP appointment some how in the next two weeks and to fill him in on what has been going on. Yea, like I don’t have my own medical drama going on. Because I forgot and my app remembered, I didn’t take my blood pressure meds this morning. I didn’t think I was going to be all fucking day with this man and his stories. I spent the better part of my life with him and now as an adult, I realize I don’t have to have him in my life, but yet he is still there. Why I don’t know. Guilt is one reason. Responsibility is the other. And being the oldest, it falls on my shoulders. Today I was tested and tried. And that gin that I have been staring at since I got home is calling my name.

So I called my therapist and told her the pickle I am in. She flipped out on me. She didn’t like the thoughts of my pain meds being mixed with alcohol of any kind. I got reprimanded. Hell, I even got the don’t take any of my pain meds lecture. That is when I zoned out on her. I need my pain meds if I am to survive in this world. And when my ankle was telling me to fuck off today, I had to take something for it. Now it is a little bit more happy so I can possibly take a shower today and get out of the stinking clothes that I am in. My father made peppers and eggs and the smell got into my clothes. It is making my stomach do flip flops, which it has been doing all day because I got a migraine. I should have known today was going to be a bad day when I started gagging when I was at the bus stop this morning. And the coffee didn’t help me much. It helped with the headache and drowsiness, but did little to calm my stomach.

I am sure that gin is not going to help my stomach either. I hope tonight I can keep my word to my therapist that I won’t have a sip. But it does help me sleep good so I am weighing things in. Beside yell at me, there is nothing more she can do. I don’t know why my father aggravates me so much. Even at his medical appointment, he had to go on and on about his work history. The doctor, who is a really nice guy, was obliging to his stories that I have heard only a million times.

Now my mother is making broccoli rabi. I cannot stand the smell or taste of this damn vegetable. Maybe I will have just one sip of gin to calm the damn nerves…

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A bad night followed by a tiring Sunday

I had a bad night of pain last night. I was beside myself. I felt like going to the emergency room but I didn’t know which one would be best for me. It was after 10 pm so it would be crazy hour with drunks coming in and such. Or maybe it would be too early for them. I don’t know. I never went. I just took a strong pain medication and tried my best to sleep.

I was in pain and wanted to kill myself and I wanted to kill myself because I was in horrible pain. I got away this night unscathed. But I am wicked tired today. It hurts to think. I woke up around 0630. I could make a pot if I really wanted to but I think I will pass. I have been trying distraction as best as I can but it’s not working for me anymore. I am listening to music but it doesn’t help my mood. Nothing is helping. I am hearing voices again. They started off as British but now they are just remnants of conversations I have had with my father. It is very disturbing. Hopefully a little perphenazine will work.

Even if I did know what to do last night, I doubt my needs would have been met. That is if I knew what they were. I felt like calling my psychiatrist and asking her what to do. I just was in a bad place and pain was the chief cause of it all. I felt like I needed to talk to someone, someone that knew what I was going through and would be an understanding ear. There are few of those around on a Saturday night. My one blogger friend has started dating so she wasn’t available. My therapist certainly wasn’t available. I wasn’t having a neurological emergency so my neurologist was out. It was a combination of it being a med/psych emergency. And who really deals with that?? I wasn’t staring down a bottle of pills. I wasn’t contemplating hanging myself. I just didn’t want to be anymore. The pain and the “demons’ had collided. Not even blogging was helping because I couldn’t think of what to write. I was in a tough spot and needed someone to talk to that knew about chronic physical pain and being suicidal.
Right now my ankle is killing me. I can barely move it without pain. And I haven’t done anything. I guess two days straight of activity is a no-no. I wanted to change my sheets today but that doesn’t seem to be in the works for today. My mother is hurting too. She wanted to clean the kitchen floor until her back went out on her. I swear it is the weather that is causing most of our pain. I suppose I should call my father and see how he is doing but I really don’t feel like it.

But I finally found something to control my appetite. Kellogg’s mini frosted shredded wheat. I love it. And it has fiber so I have been going a little more regularly without pills, which is a bonus. Any thing that gets my bowels moving without a pill is nice. Now if only I can psych myself up to take a shower, that would be nice. I have gone almost a week without taking one. I think Tuesday night was the last time I took one, but don’t quote me on that. This sucks. I just took a couple of pain pills so I can take a shower. This is what my life has become and no one gets it. It is so frustrating to try and explain what I am going through and be heard. Sure my therapist gets it, but there is more worry in her voice than understanding. She will just go off about how many spoons I don’t have when all I want her to do is listen to me, not tell me what I already know.

The temp dropped over night. There is a chill in the air that wasn’t there yesterday. My mother had the damn kitchen door open when I got up to have breakfast this morning. I was freezing and I am usually not one to complain about the cold. But I was grumpy because I was awake and I was hungry. It was bad enough that I had to wear my slippers to go down the stairs. I really need to take a shower today. I think it will help me feel a little bit better. But it might cause me more pain and that is what I am afraid of.

Rest is not as easy as it seems

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Resting is not as easy as it seems

Yesterday, I did nothing but stay in bed. I had to rest because I didn’t go to sleep right away when I got home. I was up till about 0300. Then my mother went shopping and my cousin wanted me to get the bags. I ignored the calls and tried to sleep as he was taking the bags up and down the stairs. I didn’t care. There was no way my ankle would like me going up and down the stairs. I would have been in worse pain than I was already in.

Today, I tried to stay in. It was fairly easy as it is cold out and I don’t feel like bracing myself for the cold. So I stayed in. I am going to see if my sister can pick up my prescription I have been neglecting to pick up. I just don’t feel like getting dressed. My sister just invited me to dinner and I turned that down. Anything that involves stairs or going out, is a no go.

I had therapy last night. I don’t remember much about it. Jekyll wants to be called Jack. He wanted to be in control but my therapist just kept on talking rather than listening and he got annoyed so went away again. I am glad we aren’t talking again until Tuesday. Next week is going to be a difficult week. I got to take my father to his appointment Thursday and then I have my appointment with my psych the next day. Back to back days of going out. Should be fun. NOT.

I am so tired today. The most I did was make a batch of popcorn. That set my ankle off again. And last night I noticed that the swelling was near my Achilles. I hope that I didn’t do something to it. I really don’t want to be in a boot come this cold weather. I swear being in this much pain has drained whatever energy I had. I am below zero in the energy boards. And I don’t think I can recover. I am trying to recover so that I can do what I can to get my coffee but it just isn’t working. I am just in too much pain. And having to take pain medication just makes you more tired than you were before. This just sucks. I would try and sneak in a nap right now but my mother will be making dinner soon. So even though I have been trying to rest, it hasn’t worked out that way. But I am keeping my ankle elevated so that is the important thing. I haven’t gone around to icing it. I keep forgetting to grab an ice pack on the way back up to my room.

I haven’t had coffee in two days. I think I am going to get the K-cups for my sister’s Keurig machine so I can make it at home. Might be better that way so I can get a decent cup of coffee when I want it. And it will be cheaper to do so. As long as I remember to buy the cream as well!

Next week on a day that I am not doing much, I am going to call the junk place and get my car out of the driveway. I would have done it today as it was a dry day but I don’t feel well. I am too tired to do anything. But if they come next week, I think it will be good to finally get rid of this car. And I might actually have a little money in my pocket. That would be nice.