Tag: reading

A Blog about Books

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I finally finished “Rise to Greatness”. I think I am going to write a review about it as this book really had me going and then it didn’t because it was just reiterating stuff I already knew about Lincoln and his cabinet and the war. It was very well researched for just one year of the war. I enjoyed reading it overall.

Now that I have finished one book, I have like 7-8 books to choose from, all different genres. I still haven’t finished “American Gods”. I am about 200 pages away from that. If I keep reading it this week, I might finish by New Year’s. I still have the Dostoevsky’s collection of books to read. I always like to have at least two books that I am reading around the same time. This way when I get bored with one, I have another to keep my interest going. I am finding that “real” books are easier to read than those on the Kindle. I guess there is just some satisfaction in knowing you are nearing the end of the book whereas the Kindle you don’t know where you are in the book. They have put in the page number you are on but it’s not the same thing. I have found that turning the “page” doesn’t equate with the book page. I guess it’s just the way it is formatted.

I think I am going to bring up my book “Brilliant Blunders” so I can finish it. It has been on my “currently reading” list since I bought it three years ago. I bring it with me when I leave the house but I never seem to read it. I always journal or write when I am at Starbucks and I am usually too nervous to read when I am with my father or at a doctor’s appointment.

I have two John Grisham books that I haven’t read yet. I just bought his latest book, “Rogue Lawyer”. It had good reviews, but then doesn’t all of his books get good reviews? I wish I could write as well as he does. I also have one more Harry Potter book to read to finish the collection I bought.

I also plan on buying a Civil War book collection. It’s about the stories as told by those that lived it. It’s $100 for the 4 or 5 book collection. I have been waiting for Christmas so I can get it. I think I am going to hold off for now only because I might have to use my money for Zipcar use.

Reading and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night was a difficult night. I finally read the “language of suicidology” article and it frustrated me. There was still no clear definitions of terms and far too many synonyms for things that should be clear but are not. I plan on finishing up the “tower of babel” articles some time today. I was too tired to read the thirty pages last night. I did tweet my frustration on the terms they were using last night. It was all that I could do to try and get myself ready for bed. Problem is, I have been wicked sleepy most of the day and had at least three naps so far. My head is not clear so I might take the articles to Starbucks tomorrow when I go for my coffee. I could make a cup now but it’s after three and I really don’t want to be up all night, again.

I finally took a much needed shower and feel refreshed but have no energy to do anything. It took all I had to take the shower and now I feel like going back to sleep. I hate when this happens. Sometimes I have energy and sometimes I don’t. Today is one of those times. I am not in serious pain. My ankle is behaving, some how. I haven’t really taxed it the last few days. My back has been sore after the shower, which is weird because I usually don’t have back pain. I didn’t stand too long so I am not understanding why I feel so low and why the back of my hip is throbbing.

I am listening to the game. We are currently winning. Dammit, Masterson just gave up a homerun. It is 3-2 Sox. JBJ comes through with bases loaded! 6-2 Sox!! Holt comes through and brings home JBJ. 7-2 sox. This is turning into a ball game! I might have a shot of Patron tonight. It will be the 50th win of the season. They haven’t had many wins that I can enjoy a little Patron. And strike three called, Sox win!!

I have been feeling low most of the day. It’s fairly muggy despite the low temps. I hate muggy weather. I really am not a summer person. Give me a cold day any day, but not below zero cold. I can’t tolerate that kind of cold. I don’t know why my mood sucks. I am thinking of calling my therapist tomorrow and see if I can have a session. I think being wiped out after taking the shower is taking a toll on me. It sucks that “normal” daily care is so tough.

I have started Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I finished Prisoner of Azkaban last night. I really love that book. Goblet of Fire is not my favorite because the descriptions of Voldemort coming back to life were really creepy. I don’t like creepy. Since buying the box set, I have been reading the books in order. I really thought about “cheating” and skipping Goblet of Fire for Order of the Phoenix but I just couldn’t do it. This book is bigger than the previous three books. I judge it will take me a week and a half to read.

Into the Sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Into the Sauna

It’s wicked hot and humid. I think it’s more humid than hot! The temp is only in the low 80s but it feels like it is 100. I went to the bank and got coffee. Then I went to Anna’s Taqueria to get a burrito. I like Chipotle’s better. The tortilla was not very flavorful, the meat was bland, and the guac had too much lime or lemon juice. I really didn’t like it as much as I was hoping to. It was the first time and last time I will be getting food there, even if they are cheaper than Chipotle’s. After that, I did a few errands and then waited in the hottest bus stop for the bus. If it was 100 outside, inside this waiting area was at least 120. It was pitiful. I was soaked by the time the bus came. I came home, dropped everything, and then took a much needed cold shower. It felt really good. My ankle doesn’t like me much right now. And I had emailed my doc about the pain giving me anxiety. Turns out, the body doesn’t like pain and so will shoot up the heart rate. I hate the anxiety more than I hate pain right now. I hate feeling nervous all the time, like I drank five cups of coffee kind of nervous. I just took a pain pill because I need to get the pain under control again.

We talked a lot about my pain in therapy today. My therapist had a better explanation than my psychiatrist, which I didn’t believe until my psych emailed me back. I didn’t think we were ever going to talk about anything else, but we did, thankfully. After fifteen minutes, I felt like talking about pain and anxiety was enough. I wish the session ended there but it didn’t. I still had another 35 minutes to kill. I had texted my therapist about the NYT’s opinion piece. She was curious as to how I did it and of course, why. I told her it was on a whim but I felt I had nothing to lose by submitting it. She was excited for me. I haven’t heard anything back from them. I don’t really expect a response. I will try emailing them again next week and see if that has any pull. Maybe if I bug them enough, it will get published? I don’t really want to do that but I will. I have taken the blog down so there is no copyright issue, if there is one.

I have been voting crazy for Xander Boegarts, our shortstop for the Sox. We are trying to get him voted in by Friday. It doesn’t look good as he is in fifth place. I have been texting and web voting using two accounts. One for my laptop and the other on my phone. So if you are a Sox fan VOTE for X! He needs help going to his first All Star Game. He deserves to go. He would be the youngest player for the Sox since 1946! That was a long time ago.

My therapist asked me about my psychache. I honestly don’t feel psychological pain. I am in too much physical pain to really feel anything else. And the anxiety that goes with it, well, that just drives up my agitation levels. Agitation and suicidality doesn’t mix too well. I do have Ativan to calm me down. I just wish I didn’t have to use it. I don’t know why suddenly I am having more anxiety with my pain, or vice versa. Granted it is when my pain jumps from a 3 to a 10 that I am in real agony and really anxious. My therapist wasn’t too much of a help in dealing with the anxiety. She was concerned and worried to be of help and I hate when she gets that way. Because what the hell am I seeing her for if she isn’t helpful?? Mentally, I can be calm and know it’s a physiological response, but that doesn’t help bring down my heart rate. It’s like telling someone with a panic attack to calm down. Not helpful! I have tried the deep breathing but I must be doing it wrong because after a while, I get lightheaded. I should buy a pulse ox machine to monitor my heart rate during the anxiety. Which also reminds me, I need to replace my blood pressure machine. Something is wrong with the inflator tube and it keeps giving me error messages. It’s more than five years old so it does need to be replaced. I have had hypertension (high blood pressure) since 2008. It was discovered during a psych admission. I had spent a week in the hospital and my bp was dangerously high. So high, that it prevented me from being discharged because they were afraid I would stroke out. I had to stay a few extra days to get on blood pressure meds to get stabilized. It sucked! But better safer than sorry.

I seriously need to find a hobby. I need something to occupy myself now that my game is gone. I have tried finding other games but it’s just not as fun. I know Pioneer Trail was annoying at times, but it helped pass the time away and it was a good distraction. I now have three Facebook accounts that I don’t use anymore. I haven’t deactivated them because I might need to use them for Farmville or a new game called Household. In the meantime, I am buying more and more books, either Kindle or paperbacks. I even downloaded the Kindle app on my phone so I can have my books with me. I really need to clear my “currently reading” list from Goodreads. I have six books there. One of them is “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. I kind of got really sad when my favorite character died and I haven’t been able to get back into the book. I am at 75% read, so I just want to finish it. It is a good book, though the dialogue is kind of hard to understand because the author injected the old southern accent into it, especially when the slaves “talk”. I think that will be my summer goal. I can finish it by end of July. Then I can start on the new book I just bought that is written my Neil Gaiman.

Book Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I scored today on Kindle with getting Dostoevsky’s works for just $1.99 and one of his short stories for $0.99. The works included his big works like the Brother’s Karamazov and Crime and Punishment. I couldn’t pass it up. I would have spent more on those two alone than just the full works. I am very happy. I just hope they are in the full version and not a half ass book. You never know with Kindle because you have to go through all the pages to see it. The first work they have is the Brothers, which is a big volume. Only thing I don’t like about the kindle, least the one that I have, is that I can’t say get to page 100 without scrolling through 100 pages. I just haven’t mastered how the thing works. It is an app, not the kindle itself. I should ask my sister how to get through the thing. But what really bothers me is that there was no title page for the entire collection. It just started with the Brothers and that was it! I guess that will be my next reading when I finish the Idiot. I love reading Fyodor!

I am in mega pain. And what is worse, is that I can’t rest tomorrow like I should. The doctor messed up my father’s pills so I need to go to the pharmacy and get it for my father. He is also out of one his medications. I misjudged how much was left in the bottle. So that is my fault. I have to put the pills in because he isn’t going to know what pills to fucking take. It is so annoying.

I don’t know why I am continuing to be on Facebook. There is so much negativity and bullshit, and you can’t get away from Memes!! Seems people can’t write their own statuses anymore, they just MEME them to death! I like Twitter for this reason. It’s original. Sure you have the memes there, too, but they aren’t in abundance like FB. Since my game ended, I have been bored silly. I guess that is why I am writing and reading more. Though even though I do have the time to read, I haven’t finished that many books this year. I have completed maybe three? I should start a spreadsheet on when I start a book and when I finish it. Goodreads was ok, but it doesn’t really give you a start date. It generally thinks you start reading the day you entered the book, which might not be accurate. I can’t change that date. So starting a spreadsheet might be helpful.

Last night, I got really suicidal. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to. It kind of scared me. I wrote about it in my new Hyde Notebook. It was too powerful to write on a blog. Plus, the information I wrote about, I really don’t want coming back to haunt me. So it’s just in black and white in this notebook. I am trying my hand at containing the darkness in one place. I was wicked tired, drugged up from my pain medication, and in severe pain. The perfect storm for Hyde to come out but he didn’t. I wrote what I did and then I went to sleep. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly but I do remember the gist of the writings. I was in compete control of the writing and I didn’t dissociate. I just wrote one page because I was so tired. If the meds weren’t working the way they did, I probably would have written more.

I am down to the last three chapters of the “Idiot”. I am sad to see this book end but also happy that I am finished with it. I should be done with it tonight, if I get the inclination to read the last thirty or so pages. I would have finished it last night, but I got too tired from pain meds and was in too much pain to think straight. It’s so hard to read when you don’t feel well. I think that is why my number of books is so low. I just haven’t been able to put in the mental stuff required for reading, and because I am in pain most of the time, it’s just hard. Some book are easier to read than others. Like I enjoyed reading “The Graveyard Book”. It took me a few days to read, where it has taken me three weeks to finish the Idiot. But it’s a longer book than the Graveyard. I don’t know what it is with me and large books. They take forever to read and then I get frustrated half way through. Like the stupid Battle Cry for Freedom. 900 pages of words and took me almost a year or more to finish. And because I was reading it, I didn’t read anything else, even though I usually have two books I am reading at the same time. I really want to get back into the “Reagan Diaries”. That was an interesting book. I read a quarter of it before I got interested in other things. Hamilton is another book that I started but never finished. Again another 900 or so page book. It was a difficult book to read though. It didn’t have spot in it that you can pause. It was just one long ramble. I have no idea where that book went. I think it is in the Hamper that I have been meaning to clean out but haven’t gotten to. It won’t be today because my ankle is screaming at me. Won’t be tomorrow either because of the deal with my father. So it will just sit there while I look at the mess.