Painful Saturday Blog 29 Sept 18

Painful Saturday blog 29 Sept 18

I woke up before 8 as bladder said so. I went and when I came back to my room and in my bed, my foot exploded. I took my morning pain meds. I waited a half hour and the pain didn’t calm down, I took a breakthrough med. There wasn’t a hell of a lot that I needed to do today but having pain that early in the morning was not good. The pharmacy wasn’t going to be open till 10. That gave it some time to settle down.

I made breakfast. I was going to make scrambled eggs and make it into a burrito. However, soon as I put the butter in the pan to melt, I forgot the scrambled part so had country style eggs. I put cheese in it and on the burrito tortilla. I barely finished it. It always makes me so full. I decided to make coffee. I ended up spilling it on myself. I went to take a sip and I tipped my cup before it reached my lips. Oops! So after I finished the coffee, I decided to shave and shower. My back didn’t like it. By the time I was finished shaving, I had to sit down. Whatever my brother in law did to the water control changed the hot/cold settings. I had it on half way and the water was warm so I moved it over a little bit more to get hotter water. I hate when it touches things because he always fucks things up.

Showering was fun as I had to sit down every 3 minutes or so. It wasn’t just my lower back that was hurting, my upper back was also cramping. I have no idea why this is happening. I hope when I go to the pain program they can figure out why this happens. I went upstairs and got dressed. I didn’t put my PJs on as it was after 10 and I needed to go to the pharmacy. I rested for a bit. Then I didn’t know what to wear, jeans or shorts. It was 65 degrees out so I opted for shorts. I was glad because I was halfway down the block before I realized I forgot my scripts at home. Do’h! I was sweating by the time I walked back to the pharmacy. I have no idea why I was sweating so much. It wasn’t really hot out or hot in the store. I guess the exertion of walking just makes me sweat, I don’t know. I had my cane with me because I didn’t want to wear my air cast for my sprain.

I came home and thought I would need another shower. I took off my shirt and it was soaked. I dried off and just rested. I wasn’t in too much pain. The pain meds were working. Around 1230, I got hungry again so made some bacon. I always use at least a quarter pound when I make my sandwich. I love bacon. And this time I didn’t get a pound of fat like I did last delivery. This was decent cut.

I came back to my room and my foot again flared up. It was about 4 hours after I took my meds. I waited to see if rest would calm it down. Twenty minutes later I was still hurting so I took another BT med. While I was waiting for it to work, I was reading Twitter. The game was on but it was on Fox and I hate that network. I didn’t feel like listening so just read Twitter. I read a thread about how an author who wrote about a princess hero keeps getting asked by educators, librarians, and parents when she will write a book about a boy hero. Her response is that there shouldn’t be a gender associated with a book and there are boys that like this book. But in the adult world, they hate to see that so make the assumption a boy hero is needed. It got me thinking about my books and why they are not selling well, if at all. I came up with this thread (a thread is a string of tweets that relate to what the Twitter writer strings together):

I was reading a thread about an author who wrote a princess hero and teachers/librarians/booksellers kept asking questions about when the author would write something for boys. The author said that the book was a book not a gender type thing. It got me thinking of my books. They haven’t been best sellers and I know part of it is that I need to promote them more. But family members have asked me to write happier books. I am not a happy person. I write the darkness that is inside of me. Some people can relate but most judge a book by its cover. It deals with #mentalillness, forget not touching it. It deals w #suicide not touching it. Why are things so scary for people to read? I share my pain so others can possibly understand and know they aren’t alone. I let the darkness out so it doesn’t stay inside to eat me up. Yes what I write can be scary to others. I guess I can relate to the author but on a different level.

book pile and other things

Book pile and other things

The picture above is of the books to be read. It’s mostly hardcovers so it’s a heavy bunch and I fear it is going to topple over. The pile was higher until I opened my window a few months ago and the pile collapsed when I went to move the hamper behind it. My ankle is hurting so I am not in the mood to adjust the pile so it doesn’t fall. When I take my meds, I probably will adjust it as I will be up anyways. It will be scary to hear a thump in the middle of the night should it fall.

I changed my bedding and it was a hassle. Once I removed the dirty sheets (easy part), I had to readjust the foam topper to it wasn’t falling off the side of my bed or shrinking down to the bottom of it. I don’t know why it moves so much. My last one didn’t. It’s just annoying. Then I had to put the clean sheets on. Getting the fitted sheet on was a bitch. I’d put one corner on and when I put another corner in, it would pop out. UGH. I hate putting sheets on the bed. I had to rest after everything was settled with just the fitted because my back hurt. A friend wrote me an email so I decided to respond to it while I rested.

Now that I have my sheets changed, I am resting. I made burgers for lunch and dinner. I had to use the meat up before it went bad. I kind of let things burn a little as the burgers were thick and I wanted it well done. I stunk up the house with the grease smell. Oh well. My mother went grocery shopping and I helped put away the groceries. She had the job of putting things in the freezer as she is a better organizer than I am. I just put away the perishables like ice cream and milk. I also put some freezer stuff in the basement freezer as the fridge one was full.

My mood has been all over the place today. It’s pain related. I woke up with a Neurontin hangover and needed coffee badly. After I had my burger, I made coffee. It was good and made the hangover go away. Then I started the task of clearing my bed off so I could change my sheets. I still don’t get how shit accumulates on my bed. I need to stop it and keep my bed clear. I feel better when it’s not cluttered. My room is cluttered enough as it is. I really need to either get another bookcase or put shelves on my walls. I would love to put shelves in but not sure I could do it myself. I might have to have my brother in law help. He is good with that stuff. I would have to make sure the weight is good so it doesn’t fall or break the wall. My mother would kill me.

My pens were finally delivered today. It made me happy for a little while. I love the colored pens. I hope they don’t skip like the other ones did. That bothers me when the ink skips. It is so annoying. I had a pen that I thought needed to be refilled so I bought refills for it. When I went to change it, there was half a barrel of ink. I must have just put it down just to know where it was. It’s one of the earlier pens that I like and I love the color of the barrel so want to keep it. Most of the pens I bought are refillable. I like that with these pens.

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

A not so perfect ending to a bad week

I went to my workshop today. I got there okay and I forgot there was a Barnes and Noble on the street, which was tempting to spend my last few dollars after the workshop but I resisted and didn’t step foot in the door. That took great will power because I love bookstores. I got there an hour early so I had time to have my espresso and write in my journal without being rushed.

The class was pretty boring. It wasn’t engaging to keep my head in the game, so to speak and they emphasized using Twitter more, which I already use. They wanted just 5-10 tweets per day. I know I post most than that, including retweets. But they are not just book related. I can’t remember the last time I posted a link to my book. They also wanted to utilize Facebook groups to get the word out there. That I can see myself doing though it will take some doing. I did get some pointers as to getting on mental illness sites and organizations to help promote my book. That is probably the only thing I got out of the workshop. I brought up my blog and they encouraged making a page so I will work on that sometime this weekend. WordPress doesn’t “publish” so I might make it a blog and then post it as a page. BE ON THE LOOK OUT! I just don’t know what to say on the page yet. I wish I remembered what I write but I don’t. I also wish there was some traffic on my blogs that there are chapters in my book. That would be easier to put the link to my book and maybe get some sales.

They did say that the market is always changing and book selling is hard, especially for self-publishers like myself. I already knew that from my first book as it was hard just trying to get reviewers for my book. I think I gave away more books and got zero reviews. I don’t think I am going to take another course at this place. I just don’t feel it is helpful and this is my third time going to the place.

After the course, it took me a while to get to a train station that I could easily go home from. I walked really far from the place and my ankle was not appreciative of the journey. I got my exercise for the day, that is for sure. I did pass a McDonalds on my way to the T and was tempted to get a big Mac but I really didn’t want to stop as I knew it would be hard to get moving again. I got on the train and there was a person with schizophrenia on the train as he kept on saying the evil spirits took his money and his socks. He was really loud and scary. No one was paying attention to him, though I think a lady did engage him to try and calm him down, but it didn’t work. That just agitated him more. I felt really bad for him.

I had a message when I checked my phone after the course from the lady I met the other day about the chronic pain group. I returned the call when I got home and she told me I would be accepted in the group on the condition I have a therapist for at least three months. I got annoyed. It might take me three months just to find a fucking therapist. I didn’t say anything and just blew her off, thinking it was a lost cause. I then called my psychiatrist because she wanted me to touch base with her. We talked and she is looking for a therapist for me. She also wanted to know more about my pain so we talked about that. She also said that my PCP is a nice guy but doesn’t know me so is not sure how to take my pain needs. She tried conveying how I was as she has known me for so long. She said he might see me more but I haven’t heard from the office and I don’t see him for three months. So we’ll see if the guy will change his mind about being on a longer acting pain med. The rate I am going with my strong pain pill is not getting better. I am using it more because the regular pain meds are not as effective anymore. I have to pick and choose what I think will work best now.

It was good talking to my psych. I honestly think I would be up the creek without a paddle if I didn’t have her. We didn’t talk about my suicidality and I didn’t bring up my plan and how it’s ready to go during my next flare up. I took a strong pain med when I came home because I knew that is what I needed. I am feeling the effects of it and am wicked tired from all the walking I did. I am feeling discouraged about the chronic pain group. I think that would have been a helpful thing for me to be a part of and also give me the support I need about my pain. I know I post to social media about my pain but when it’s late at night, I don’t usually get a response. I know that is because most people are sleeping, like “normal” people will be doing.

It was really cold today. I don’t think it got above 30 degrees as the wind was horrible. My feet are cold now despite being under the blankets. Going to have to put on thermal socks on soon. I am so glad I bought them. Best purchase I ever made. They work better than regular socks and are so warm.

Friday Feeling

Friday Feeling

I woke up in a good mood. I made breakfast and then waited an hour for the next bus to the Square. I wrote in my journal and only had 4 shots of espresso as 5 was giving me anxiety. After I wrote and finished my coffee, I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription and then went to the pharmacy. I wanted a burrito but I was tired and didn’t feel like walking over.

When I came home, I checked to see if fricken UPS delivered the stupid replacement phone so I could turn my phone on. It did and I was thankful. Then I spent an hour trying to get my phone turned on. It took me I don’t know how many tries with my insurance company and Sprint. They were both piggy backing each other. I was getting so annoyed. Then I started getting hungry and I was even more agitated. I didn’t get anywhere. I have to wait 24 hours for my phone to be turned back on. I asked if it would still work because tomorrow is Saturday and I really don’t want to wait till Tuesday. There will be hell to pay if I have to wait till then.

My proof came in and it looks okay. I have one blank page and the title page is not on the side I want it but it’s okay. I am not going to be fussy about it because trying to fix it might screw up the rest of the book. If you would like to purchase it the link is

It’s available as a paperback and Kindle. I am really excited about this. I wish I could let my therapist know about it but my damn phone is off and I can’t text her. I am so annoyed. I hate not having text availability.

Ankle so far hasn’t been too much trouble. I guess yesterday’s hell was because of the weather. It was kind of icy today but the sun melted most of it in places. I was scared of black ice as I was walking home from Walgreens because the lighting is poor on the side street I need to go down. But it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t wear my brace because it was a short walk and I didn’t want to put the contraption on for a block and a half. It was really cold though, with the wind it brought the temps down even colder after the sun went down. I went after the sun went down because my prescription had a long wait and I didn’t want to wait. But I needed my meds so I went later.

I turned the heat on to less than 70 and my room is a sauna. I didn’t bother to put on PJs. I am too hot for them. I got to turn the ceiling fan because I feel like I am going to go into heat exhaustion soon. I had to turn the heat up because my mother is sick and she felt cold. The house was cold as I turned the heat down last night when she went to bed. I bought her some cold medicine. I hope it makes her feel better. She really isn’t feeling well and I just worry. She didn’t eat her supper. I hope she didn’t give herself her insulin because that won’t be good. I really don’t want to call an ambulance because her sugar tanks. I am already on edge because I know a virus can fluctuate sugar levels. And I can’t fucking call her because my phone is useless so I need to go downstairs to check on her.