Painful Boxing Day

Painful Boxing Day

I live in the States so we don’t celebrate Boxing day but I have some international readers that do so Happy Boxing day!

My day has not been a good one. I went to sleep between 0330 and 0400 because pain was keeping me up. When I woke up around noon, the pain was still there. I took my meds and had some breakfast. My mother called to have me put the pies in the fridge. They had been on our back porch but the sun was out and it can quickly heat up the space, even if it is freezing out. I delved into the chocolate cream pie that I love so much. I had it after I had supper, too. I just eat it until it is gone.

The pain meds weren’t working for me so around 1400, I took my strong pain pill and that knocked me out. I slept for a few hours. I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything but pie but my brother-in-law made some beef and potatoes so I had that. It was really good. I still feel like shit and my ankle is killing me. I should have told my sister to get me a chainsaw for Christmas instead of a pizza stone. I had emailed my psychiatrist during one of the trips I wasn’t sleeping. I had tried four times to sleep last night and it took the fourth for me to finally crash. I thought I would hear back from her but I haven’t. Maybe she hasn’t read her email yet. She is on vacation.

I have some exciting news, I plan on publishing my book sometime this week. I was hoping to work on it today but it didn’t happen. I am meeting a friend tomorrow for coffee in Boston so I don’t think I will be able to work on it tomorrow either. It will get done. I just have a few pages of “fluff” to write. I will have a dedication page and then maybe an acknowledgement page. I am not sure. I know I want to publish the suicide hotlines so they are there should someone need them. I just don’t know if I should put them in the beginning of the book or the end. I think the end will be better.

I just hope that I don’t have formatting issues like I did my first book. Man, what nightmare that was. This time I used the template that Amazon gave out and I hope there are no glitches. I hope it has no blank pages. I have tried my best to make sure this hasn’t happened. So we’ll see.

Now I got to fill my pill box and take my meds. I meant to do it earlier today but I was so damn sleepy. I feel like I can go back to bed again. I hope I do and sleep till at least 8 or 9 tomorrow morning. I need to shower and then get dressed to meet my darling friend. I hope she isn’t late.

random 467

Random 467

I am getting hot and cold flashes. Right now I am boiling, probably because my mother turned the heat up as the temp is supposed to drop. I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan but I might be too cold after a while. I just took the blankets off and that helped.

I am tired and in pain but I am not sleepy. I read a chapter in the Lincoln book and was dismayed to learn that many people were scurrying to write biographies on Lincoln after his death, including his law partner Herndon. He so desperately wanted to write a book that he basically told untrue statements or hearsay. It got me thinking about all that I have read about Lincoln over the years and wonder if any of it is true. A lot of it says the same things so I am thinking some it must be true. But I wasn’t around during the time of Lincoln so who’s to say that anything is right or wrong.

My psychiatrist emailed me tonight, asking how I was doing. I told her how I was and how therapy was just becoming a chore rather than being helpful. I am resenting being in therapy with this idiot. And the sad part is, I don’t think things are going to change. I find it hard to believe that after all her years of training that she can’t help me anymore. It just kills me to know that after 15 years of working together it is coming to a close. I have never been in a long term therapeutic relationship before. It’s easy with my psychiatrist because she just doles out my medication and asks about side effects, as well as how I am doing briefly and then schedules me for another appointment. With therapy, it’s different. And it’s bugging me that I can’t do anything about it because it’s not me that needs changing this time.

I think tomorrow, I am going to play the question game with her. It’s a game I used to play with her when I was bored in therapy. She gets to ask any question and I have to answer it truthfully. There will be one drawback to playing tomorrow, and that is she can’t ask stupid questions that have to do with my suicidality, like “the one thing that will not make me suicidal anymore”. It’s a question that is on the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has to be a genuine question and not something from a questionnaire. Maybe then we can move on to something important and I won’t feel stuck.

My pain is manageable tonight, for once. I just needed one dose, so far, of pain meds and it seems to be working. I hope my level of pain stays where it is or at least gets lower rather than higher. That would be nice. It’s weird how some days I can tolerate my pain and other days, I want nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on my patience or maybe my depression levels. It might also have to do with hopelessness, but I am not sure about that. Usually, the pain has to be above my tolerance level for me to become hopeless. My PTSD symptoms are down as well. I am not anxious, thinking something disastrous is happening to my body because of my pain levels. Now if only I can get to sleep, I will be all set.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for most of the day. I had to shut it off because I couldn’t read after I took the pain meds. It was hard to concentrate and listen to music at the same time. Usually, I can do both but sometimes, when I take pain meds, it interrupts one or the other. I really want to finish this book this week so I can read something else. What that something is, I haven’t figured out yet. It might be a John Grisham book. Like Neil Gaiman’s books, I am collecting his books in my “to read” pile but have not read them. I realized tonight, that I am a book hoarder. I just have to have a book, whether I read it or not. I don’t know why this is. And now because I have a Kindle, I am collecting more books on the thing that I have not read yet. It’s sad. I have to read at least one Neil Gaiman book this month or at least by the end of January because he is coming out with a new book in Feb that I must have. I am hoping to get a signed copy of the book, which means going to a bookstore that I love. I hope to get another book I have been eyeing for a while called “American Philosophy”. It’s a novel that is out of my realm so I think it will be good to read, that is if I ever get the chance to. I need to devote more time to reading than I do but it is so damn hard with being on pain meds and the depression that sucks all the motivation and concentration out of you. I have 5 chapters left in the Lincoln book and I am determined to finish it this week. I hope to anyways. I must.

Lost in the Echo

Lost in the Echo

Well, my pain has intensified. The pain meds have helped but the physical pain has been replaced by neuropathic pain. I can’t win today. It’s way too early to take my night meds. I can take my Neurontin and hope to stop the burning pain that I am feeling. I don’t care if it makes me dopey. I got no where I need to be tonight. I just need to be extra careful if I should go back downstairs to use the bathroom or to eat something, should I get hungry.

I emailed my psychiatrist because I was feeling horrible. I was going to page her but then I started crying and would be inaudible as I have this mother of a cold. I was feeling better with it until I started crying. Now my nose is clogged up. I really hate being sick, but fortunately, I know it will pass. Unlike my damn foot pain. I told my psych I wanted to remove the offending metatarsals. But they are the major structures in the foot and it would be severely hard to walk without them. At this point, I don’t really fucking care. I just want the pain to stop.

I texted my therapist on what my plan was. I didn’t tell her it was off the table because the way I feel right now, I could do it and hope to choke on the pills before they try to kill me. Terrible way to die but at least it would accomplish the goal. I am a miserable fuck right now so please don’t judge me on these wild ideas. I am trying to distract myself with music and writing this blog while I still can before I succumb to sleep. Least I hope I will. Sometimes my meds knock me out and other times they keep me up. I never know what it is going to be. And it sucks. Usually during the day my meds make me tired and during the evening, they make me hyper. No rhyme or reason for this. It is just the way it works. I really think PTSD keeps me from sleeping at night because I get so racked up in anxiety it prevents the meds from making me drowsy.

I would have my therapist call me but that sometimes proves difficult as she has a busy schedule. I talk with the idiot tomorrow anyways. I am sure it’s going to be “fun”. I don’t know if she read the last couple of blogs I sent her. I hope she did because I think they are important and she always wants to know what is up. If she hasn’t read them, I give up. I don’t know why I bother sometimes. Lately, my blogs haven’t been long, winded ones so I don’t understand why she can’t read it. Then she’ll want me to read it to her and I torture her by saying no. My revenge.

I thought of writing something for my book. The Daily Word Prompts have given me some starting points but unfortunately, I don’t have my writing pad on my bed. I have been meaning to get it but not today. And it’s not risk extra pain to get it. Writing on a notepad helps me better than writing on a word doc. I don’t know why that is. I think it’s because I don’t get annoyed if I spell something wrong and have a red line under it. It stops the word flow because I have to change/fix it. Least after I have written something on my pad and then I am typing it up (providing I can read my handwriting clearly) I can edit or make changes as I go. Usually in a word doc, I don’t do that until I read it months later. Drives me crazy.

I feel like I am being punished by being in chronic pain. For what exactly, I haven’t figured that out yet. It could be all my swearing, not going to church, despising my father on his death bed. You name it. Being transgender. I read today the horrors of how homosexuals have been treated in the past and continue to be in certain countries. It makes me so sad yet so suicidal. I feel like I can never be who I am meant to be because of fear of not only being discriminated against but also be tortured for it.

I had ordered a DVD and it was supposed to be delivered today but there is some kind of delay. It’s a bummer because I really wanted to watch it. Now I think I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and break my tradition of just watching it near Christmas. There are a few movies that I have to watch around Christmas. The Grinch (cartoon version), A Christmas Carol, Home Alone, and It’s a Wonderful Life. I still would love to own the version of the Christmas Carol with Patrick Stewart. I haven’t been able to find it, yet. Not like I have looked really hard. Maybe I will get it as a birthday gift if I make it through the holidays without a hospitalization. I feel like going back to Netflix so I can watch some Friends shows. I canceled the subscription because I wasn’t on it all the time and I couldn’t justify one night a month watching it for the price. I rather read a book than watch a TV show or movie. Hence why I have so many damn books to read.

Which reminds me, I still have 7 books I need to read by the end of Dec. I’d read now but I am kind of dopey and my concentration is lax because of the medication. I really should try and sleep but I know if I do, I will be up all night and that won’t be good. Then I will be sleeping all day tomorrow. It won’t make for a good therapy session. I have 3 books I am actively reading. I just go from one to another each day, but I haven’t touched Dostoevsky since Sept I think. The book was annoying me because it just talks without going anywhere. I don’t know when I am going to finish it, but it certainly won’t be within the next month. There are too many chapters to read. The other books I am reading are interesting but my concentration varies. I try to read at least 2 chapters instead of one but it’s getting difficult with my pain being so damn painful. It makes me just want to hide under the covers and not do much else. Or just read Twitter or Facebook. Then I am really doing nothing. I feel bad about not reading because I have a shitload of time on my hands so it’s not like I don’t have time. It’s just getting to it that is the hard part.

my new book and other musings

My new book and other musings

Last night I was struggling with fixing the errors that my word doc had on it on my new book. I wanted to see how many pages I had so I knew how many more to write. After all was said and done, there seems to be about 99 pages to go. If I work at least 2-3 pages a day, I might be able to get it done by the end of the year. I have been going over my blogs that I have written over the past year and sort of picking out which ones I deem “best” for my book. It’s a lot of work as I have a LOT of blogs as I write nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. But it beats having to open up word docs on my screen and reading them. This way here if something seems interesting, I just pull up the word doc, and then pasted it in the template that I have, once I edit it to make sure there are no errors.

I didn’t do anything except make coffee today, so far. I had a crappy sleep as I kept on waking up every two hours or so. It was so annoying. So I slept late right through the afternoon. I haven’t had anything to eat except for two cookies. I am out of my coffee. I seriously have to buy some more next week. I can’t be without my coffee. I might have to use my sister’s Keurig this weekend. The Keurig cups she has is decent coffee. It’s not Starbucks quality but close enough. I am going to try the new Brazil coffee next week and see if I like it.

I started reading a new book on how to write a novel by Lawrence Block. I don’t think of myself as a novel writer but after the new book is written, I will have to write something else. I don’t know if I can do it but I can try. I know I am no Neil Gaiman or even Lawrence Block but writing does come naturally to me.

Yesterday I was bored so I decided to clean out my junk hamper. It was a collection of all suicide research articles and books. I don’t know how they accumulated there but they did. Unfortunately, the book I was hoping to find, wasn’t there. I have no idea where the book is so I marked it off my reading list as “read”. I was half way through it anyway. It bothers me that I don’t know where this book ended up. I will find it when I am looking for something else.

I was going to shower last night but I got lazy. I think I will today after dinner. It’s a really hot day, again and the house is hot. I was hoping for it to cool down last night but it never did. I want to try and go out tomorrow to get an espresso over ice while reading the psych book I bought. It would be nice to finish the chapter.

My friend in Canada sent me the link to her post office. They have Canadian Star Trek stamps that I want to get for my brother-in-law and I. I think he will really like it as he is a Star Trek junkie like I am. The stamps don’t come out in the US until September. I plan on getting several sheets to save as well as use, not that I use snail mail that often. Or maybe I will just save them.