random 467

Random 467

I am getting hot and cold flashes. Right now I am boiling, probably because my mother turned the heat up as the temp is supposed to drop. I am tempted to turn on the ceiling fan but I might be too cold after a while. I just took the blankets off and that helped.

I am tired and in pain but I am not sleepy. I read a chapter in the Lincoln book and was dismayed to learn that many people were scurrying to write biographies on Lincoln after his death, including his law partner Herndon. He so desperately wanted to write a book that he basically told untrue statements or hearsay. It got me thinking about all that I have read about Lincoln over the years and wonder if any of it is true. A lot of it says the same things so I am thinking some it must be true. But I wasn’t around during the time of Lincoln so who’s to say that anything is right or wrong.

My psychiatrist emailed me tonight, asking how I was doing. I told her how I was and how therapy was just becoming a chore rather than being helpful. I am resenting being in therapy with this idiot. And the sad part is, I don’t think things are going to change. I find it hard to believe that after all her years of training that she can’t help me anymore. It just kills me to know that after 15 years of working together it is coming to a close. I have never been in a long term therapeutic relationship before. It’s easy with my psychiatrist because she just doles out my medication and asks about side effects, as well as how I am doing briefly and then schedules me for another appointment. With therapy, it’s different. And it’s bugging me that I can’t do anything about it because it’s not me that needs changing this time.

I think tomorrow, I am going to play the question game with her. It’s a game I used to play with her when I was bored in therapy. She gets to ask any question and I have to answer it truthfully. There will be one drawback to playing tomorrow, and that is she can’t ask stupid questions that have to do with my suicidality, like “the one thing that will not make me suicidal anymore”. It’s a question that is on the SSF (Suicide Status Form). It has to be a genuine question and not something from a questionnaire. Maybe then we can move on to something important and I won’t feel stuck.

My pain is manageable tonight, for once. I just needed one dose, so far, of pain meds and it seems to be working. I hope my level of pain stays where it is or at least gets lower rather than higher. That would be nice. It’s weird how some days I can tolerate my pain and other days, I want nothing to do with it. I guess it all depends on my patience or maybe my depression levels. It might also have to do with hopelessness, but I am not sure about that. Usually, the pain has to be above my tolerance level for me to become hopeless. My PTSD symptoms are down as well. I am not anxious, thinking something disastrous is happening to my body because of my pain levels. Now if only I can get to sleep, I will be all set.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift for most of the day. I had to shut it off because I couldn’t read after I took the pain meds. It was hard to concentrate and listen to music at the same time. Usually, I can do both but sometimes, when I take pain meds, it interrupts one or the other. I really want to finish this book this week so I can read something else. What that something is, I haven’t figured out yet. It might be a John Grisham book. Like Neil Gaiman’s books, I am collecting his books in my “to read” pile but have not read them. I realized tonight, that I am a book hoarder. I just have to have a book, whether I read it or not. I don’t know why this is. And now because I have a Kindle, I am collecting more books on the thing that I have not read yet. It’s sad. I have to read at least one Neil Gaiman book this month or at least by the end of January because he is coming out with a new book in Feb that I must have. I am hoping to get a signed copy of the book, which means going to a bookstore that I love. I hope to get another book I have been eyeing for a while called “American Philosophy”. It’s a novel that is out of my realm so I think it will be good to read, that is if I ever get the chance to. I need to devote more time to reading than I do but it is so damn hard with being on pain meds and the depression that sucks all the motivation and concentration out of you. I have 5 chapters left in the Lincoln book and I am determined to finish it this week. I hope to anyways. I must.

3 thoughts on “random 467

  1. the question game sounds fun but I doubt my therapist would let me play it. she likes to get work done most of the time, and there is no dodging it. this week I have to have a serious conversation with her about my avoidance of the hard stuff. xxx


  2. I know seriously. It’s a dumb question at times.
    I seen what cancer does when I saw my father die. I wouldn’t want to see another person go through that. Once is enough for me. I hope I never have to see my mother struggle for her last breath. It would be just as painful.


  3. I have to say, that question “what would make you not be suicidal anymore,” cracks me up. Don’t they KNOW the answer to that??? Or maybe it’s just my black humor.

    I saw a very cool documentary yesterday on a woman who was diagnosed with Stage IV liver cancer. She was filmed because she was trying to find assisted dying, which was not available where she lived at the time. The doc follows her through the process of putting her affairs in order, and culminates with her dying a natural death after all. She got everything she wanted in the end: proper pain management, and her family around her. She stayed in control till absolutely the end. She could have gone anytime she wanted to, but since she had the most important things to her, she went right on in an adventurous spirit until she was satisfied that she had lived enough. Then she died. It was an amazing ride, to follow this lady’s deliberate walk through the last months of her life.


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