6th of Dec

I went to my “happy” place today and got my espresso with soy milk. I then wrote in my journal for a bit. When the last remaining drops of espresso were drunk, I headed over to Chipotle for dinner. I wasn’t hungry so I got it to go. I thought I had timed the bus right but I didn’t and had to wait twenty minutes. It was cold and windy so I stayed inside the bus depot/shelter. On the way home, I called my mother telling her I had dinner and to eat without me.

I had stinking therapy today and my therapist is the biggest idiot there is. She thought I was going to overdose on my pain medication because they were CNS depressants. I know she isn’t an MD so I can’t completely fault her. Most of the medications I am on are CNS depressants, which is what I was referring to. Even when I clarified, she still thought I was going to take my pain meds. Sorry, as much as I would love to kill myself that way, I love my liver a little too much. The Tylenol in my pain meds would surely wreck my liver before killing me and that is not how I want to go. If I did, I would be buying the 500 count of Tylenol and hope for the best. Idiot.

She then couldn’t find a therapist in my town for me but did find a few in the town over. No shit. If there was a good therapist in my town, I would have found that person by now. She still has this idea of meeting with someone face to face will solve my problems. Don’t get me started on that because this blog would turn into a fucking book on the ridiculousness of that notion.

I have decided that if I get admitted and discharged before my birthday, I am not going to let my therapist know about it. I plan on resuming conversations with her in the new year. Seeing as the hospital is all electronic, I don’t see how they can notify my therapist as she doesn’t have email nor does electronic anything. If they call her, then I am screwed, but I don’t think they will.

Damn, my legs are thawing out. I didn’t think it was that cold out and I had decent jeans on. I picked up the last of my prescriptions so I should be set until January, which I am not looking forward to because I will have to pay copays. My insurance premium is also going up by twenty bucks. Fucking sucks. I got to email my psychiatrist in a little bit to check in with her. I haven’t heard from her all day so I am guessing there isn’t a bed available yet.

I took a shower this morning and aside from going out, that has been all that I have done. I am exhausted like I have worked all day. But I did have an early morning awakening so that doesn’t help. I can’t remember the last time I slept till 0600 at least or past that hour. Seems the only time I am able to do so is if I go to bed at 0300 or later. Pain sucks. I was talking with one of the pharm techs today and she said she wanted to wrap me in bubble wrap. I wish that would help, but it wouldn’t. If it did, I wouldn’t need two pain medications, well actually three if you count the Neurontin. Least the 2 pm pain cycle has stopped, for now. That was a terror I don’t want to relive.

I made friends with my first love again. I am a sucker for her, I really am. I can’t help it. I care very deeply about her and we had been friends before we became lovers so it’s kind of hard to stop being friends. Every time we pick up, it’s like no matter how much time has passed, we pick up where we left off. She has her mental illness issues and medical issues that are worse than mine. I feel bad that I can’t do anything about it just like she can’t do anything about mine. But we are there for each other and that is all that counts.

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About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 6th of Dec

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    your therapist is starting to annoy me as much as she is annoying you. She seems so clueless. I don’t know how you put up with her! I hope you are hanging in there. xxx

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