my book is out on paperback and I am so excited. it is available through createspace https://www.createspace.com/4546715
hope you will get a copy!!
Tag: suicidality
BREAKING #SUICIDE NEWS
Just got word from Twitter that the American Association of Suicidology just approved, unanimously, a new division for suicide attempt survivors and people with lived experiences. This is so exciting, I just had to blog about it. People who have attempted or who have seriously thought about suicide now have a voice. I am so excited and proud to be a member and contributor of their blog and organization!!
Doubts
Doubts
I just got through my second read through edits on my book. Wow, I didn’t know how much of myself I am putting out there. I know I put a lot out in this blog, but having it in paperback is something different. Not saying it won’t sell, but I am just having my doubts about myself being out in the world, my wounds really exposed for all to see. I know I have an important message out to people, that people who survive suicide attempts can get their act together when they think they can’t. I also talk a lot about CAMS, probably more than I should, but I believe in the philosophy too much not to say a lot about it.
I am worried about my father. He is not doing well and definitely not himself. I spent the morning with him at his stupid PCP that took forever. I wish they would do something more for him but other than hospitalizing him, there is nothing more they can do for him. And I am not sure where he would go for his condition as his providers are scattered throughout the Boston area. Like me, he is a complicated case. And because his doc wants to see him later this week, I had to reschedule my appointment for my pdoc. Sucks, because now I know it will be at least another two weeks before I see her again. UGH.
I have been up since 5. I woke up in pain and still have the pain. But because I was driving most of the day, I couldn’t take anything for it. Now I am home and I am relaxing so I can take something. Tomorrow I am not going out. I need to recoop from today. I didn’t walk much but being up early and being in pain all day takes a lot out of you. I was hoping to have a session with my therapist today but doesn’t look like it is going to happen.
I tried taking a nap today but my book was on my mind too much. At one point I got so nervous, I thought I was going to puke. I emailed my editor and she said the decision was up to me. Thanks, that is helpful. People are looking forward to my paperback and what am I going to do if they don’t get it?? I just don’t know. If you are reading this and would like a copy of my book, please comment and tell me. Maybe that will sway me…
a longer blog: breathing hurts
Longer Blog
I have been trying to nap the last few hours. I got the review approval from Amazon but then I realized I forgot to put in my references so had to go through the entire process again. Now I am waiting for another approval to get a proof. I am surprised the editor didn’t pick up on that, but then maybe she isn’t too academic like I thought. This book isn’t academic in the least but I still reference a few books to stress my point.
I told my therapist the other night that I planned on taking some medication tonight. I am struggling with resistance on doing so. Taking the meds might kill me or give me a heart attack as I am very sensitive to this drug. Just 0.25 mg will cause my heart to race. I told her I wouldn’t do it but didn’t promise I wouldn’t. I just feel so awful. I know, my book is about to be published. I should be feeling the opposite but I am not. I feel like I am never going to get out of this rut that I am in.
One thing that I have learned about the book “Writing The Breakout Novel” is that people read books through word of mouth more than reviews. So I just need a thousand people to spread the word on my book so I can be a millionaire. LOL Doubt that will happen but, you never know. I hate feeling nervous. It is not helping with the feelings of suicidality. I have tried everything today to try and chill. Music, Ativan, TV, and reading. I started reading “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” and finally got back to it. It’s a weird book. I have trouble reading old novels and let’s face it, “Uncle Tom” is not new. It was written before the Civil War by a female which is unheard of in those days and sold more than 100,000 copies. I just have a problem with the language of the book as sometimes I have no idea what the author is trying to say. It’s southern Afro-American dialect and that can be tough. I had a friend that used to clown around speaking that way and I could never understand what she was trying to say. She was from Georgia.
But the good news is that I can still use my tablet even though it is not hooked up to the Sprint network. Course I never used it on the network. I always used the wifi settings.
I took my night meds early tonight because I didn’t take them last night. I just hope I don’t have breakthrough bleeding because I took my pill late. I woke up at 1:15 am from a nap because yesterday was such a crazy day. I didn’t think I was going to sleep that late, but then I started working on formatting my book and I didn’t go back to sleep till six this morning. I was literally burning the midnight oil. But that what the demons do to me. They keep me up most of the night.
The hardest thing that I had to write was the description of the book. But I am proud of it. I don’t know why I still want to kill myself. I guess it never really goes away no matter what success you have in your life. If you feel like ending your life, it doesn’t matter what people think of you. Sometimes, family will hold you back but they can only do that for so long before you start feeling like a burden to them. I just can’t seem to get out of this rut that I am in and I am trying. I haven’t felt hopeful in weeks. I don’t feel depressed. I just don’t want to live. Breathing hurts and I want it to stop.
midnightdemons7 
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