Tag: suicide attempt

second blog of the day 15-May-13

by Midnight Demon, posted in CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain

Second blog of the day:

Normally I would be sleeping by now as it is after midnight but no such luck. This is the second night in a row that I have been up because of pain. I just took a ton of meds and hope that it knocks me out soon. I am tired of being in pain for the past 72 hours. My ankle has flared up on me tonight and I don’t know why. That pain calmed down and now I am dealing with nerve pain. I feel like my foot is in a vise and my toes are killing me.

And I don’t know if because I have been hunched over on the computer for so long, my stomach hurts. I can’t seem to “straighten” out to make it stop hurting. Lying down only makes it worse.

I just wrote a journal entry about my plan. I am no longer depressed, just suicidal. There is a difference and me being this way is a little more dangerous. Because I just don’t fucking care anymore. They say pain changes you, well mine has. I have been in constant pain and there is nothing to do but stop it. Yet the meds I take have to go through the voices in my head to justify taking the meds. I know it sounds silly as I am just fight with myself about it. The voices know that I am in pain but yet they hope that I overdose on my meds. That is why I have to be careful. If pushed by them too much I might give in and take a handful of meds that I really didn’t mean to. I just hope I fall asleep soon. I hate being like this. I can’t say that I am a happy person because I am not. I might appear to be to other people but it is just a façade. I have to make the appearance that I am ok even though I am not.

My therapist wants me to make the trip out to Framingham to see her. She says we need the connection. I just think that she wants to keep me in her office so she can keep an eye on me. But I don’t want to drive out there. I know it has been a while and I really should go but I just don’t feel like it because it just takes sooo many spoons to go. I have to shower, get dressed then take a bus to my sister’s work, walk three blocks to my sister’s work all for a fifty minute appointment? It takes more than that just to get my sister’s car!! And the drive can be anywhere from 45 mins to an hour and a half, both ways. Just doesn’t seem like a good idea given my pain cycle at the moment. I do miss seeing her and my teddy bear Johnny. He is a HUGE bear that I got when I was in the hospital when I was first diagnosed with CES, Cauda Equina Syndrome. That was 12 years ago. And then I got two little bearista bears that I got from Starbucks, Bucky and Amelia. I didn’t want Bucky to be alone so I got Amelia for him. They stay with my therapist, mostly to comfort her while I am gone. Hehehehe. Ok pain meds slightly kicking in now.

I was twittering with the Prez of the AAS (American Association of Suicidology) tonight about how the words suicidology and suicidality are not words Microsoft word recognizes. So he sent a twitter message to Bill Gates. I hope that he makes some noise because suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US. I will be part of these statistics soon. That is all that I am, a statistic. I am nothing more than that to the world. I cannot believe that I am going to kill myself soon. And I am happy about it. I know that my pain will end. Thing is, though I have a date and all, I don’t have a plan. And that is troubling me because how can I kill myself if I don’t have a plan. I have a few ways I can do it, nothing that I will blog about because I don’t want to trigger any one or give someone the idea of how to do it.

I could experiment with some things but I just don’t have the energy for it. Besides, if I experiment and succeed too early then people are not going to be ready for my death. I just realized that I have to write letters to people to explain why I am doing what I am doing. I don’t want there to be a “why”. I know that there will be but I want to lessen it. I also know that there will be some questions about why didn’t my treaters to enough for me, but that simply is not true. They have tried to help me but I am just too hopeless for them. There is no medicine that can help me. And talk therapy has helped me stay alive for this amount of time but I am tired of talking. I am also tired of being in pain all the time. And the talking only helps when I see my therapist or blog/write about it. And I know to some I must sound like a whine bag or something because all I talk about is my physical pain of my ankle that no one can help take away.

Unless I hit the lottery or they find a cure for nerve damage I am stuck in pain and debt. Both of which hurt me very deeply. I just can’t ever get ahead with my debt because of I am no longer working anymore. I can’t even order out for food anymore. I know that sounds like a whine but I like ordering Chinese once in a while. And now I can no longer do that. I like ordering pizza and subs. Can’t do that anymore. I am not a good cook so I just have what my mother makes which isn’t the healthiest of choices because she likes to fry everything. Even vegetables. She will make say asparagus and then she will fry them the next day. Don’t get me wrong, they are good, but they aren’t healthy.

I have been trying to stick with the Special K diet in which you eat two bowls of cereal for breakfast and lunch and then have a sensible dinner. That is a fail. My stomach has been messed up since my bowels have been backed up for a week that I can’t think about eating and when I do, it is not for a bowl of cereal. And that is another reason why I hate myself, because it hurts so much to go to the bathroom. For the past few months I have been having nerve pain in my anus and rectal areas. Sometimes sitting is so painful I just want to scream. And there is nothing really I can take that makes it better. Vicoden barely touches the pain, if at all. I can’t go through life like this. No more, I have had enough.

this life would kill me…

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt, writing

The Boston Bruins have won the semi finals to advance to the Eastern finals. In Overtime. It was a spectacular game. I didn’t watch one second of it. I just had to turn on Facebook and Twitter to learn of the hits and misses. It was awesome. I can’t watch hockey. To me, I rather watch golf. It is the most boring game to me.

My Sox were off tonight. A travel day to the Trop in Florida. They will be playing the Tampa Bay Rays tomorrow.

My friend who gives me ideas sometimes for writing thinks I should write about suicide in the spring and baseball season. I think I have already written about it. But I almost told her that this was my last year. I have given up and there is really nothing no one can do about it. I am just going through the motions of living just to fool everyone around me into thinking I am ok. I hate having these dual feelings, the ambivalence about living. I just know I can’t go on. If I could, I would try something now but it will just mess up my plans for later on this year. I just don’t feel the timing is right. Not that the timing is ever right. I just have it in my head about this certain date and I got to make sure that things are set before this date. I might try in a month or two to leave this world but I am not sure. The ambivalence is just killing me, literally. I want to die but I don’t want to live. Maybe if I survive this, that will be the name of my book.

I have been writing about the Aeschi model and the CAMS model for the AAS blog that I write for. I feel like I have the basics down pat but I am stuck on the specific details about it. But then it is not an exact science. People have died even though they have followed the Suicide Status Form to a T. I still feel like trying to prevent suicide is a tricky business. You can’t take away that person’s option. Once you do, it is treacherous territory. But working with a suicidal person is risky. You might get them out of the water this time, but not be so successful the next. It take a constant vigilance and effort to deal with a suicidal person. I don’t know how my therapist does it. I feel like if I kill myself I will let her down. She traps me into living and I hate her for it. But like the song by Thompson Square, If I didn’t have you, goes. “This life would kill me if I didn’t have you.”

not all disabilities are visible

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain

I was coming home from Davis, riding on the bus and these two women were saying how young people (aka me) doesn’t have respect for disability or older people anymore. UM, hello. I was sitting in the disabled seat because I AM disable you fucking idiots. Just because you might not see it doesn’t mean I don’t have it. It got me really upset and if I had my cane I would have bopped them off the head. It kills me when I can’t give up my seat on the bus like I used to because it hurts me to stand and plus, the current bus driver was speeding and stopping short at every stop. I would have hurt myself if I had to stand. So excuse me if I chose to sit.

I already was in a bad mood. I only got six hours of sleep and had to get out to get my coffee because Isla Flores was calling my name. I just had to get out of the house today, even though it ended up down pouring rain at times. I had to get out anyways because I had to pick up my prescription.

I wrote another nasty letter to my therapist in the wee hours of the morning, basically telling her that I am going to die and there is nothing you can do about it. I thought of writing out the letter as a blog so people can see where my mind goes at night but it is too frightening to go back there. I wrote a lot of morbid thoughts trying to defend my decision to kill myself because of my pain. I came close to revealing my plan or at least my date but I refrained.

I don’t know why I am in a rotten mood. It is spring. No more snow and winter storms. I should be semi-happy but I am not. I know part of it is because of the pain I deal with every day. But mostly it is because I am just an unhappy person. I have never felt contentment for more than a few weeks in my life and I have never felt no suicidal feelings at any point in my adult life. I have always felt like I should be dead or that I need to die. After almost thirty-eight years of this, I think that being in the ground six feet under is a welcome.

don’t failures always fail?

by Midnight Demon, posted in suicide, suicide attempt

Had a bad night. Right before going to bed I decided to write my therapist a letter. I don’t know what possessed me to write to her at such a late hour but I did. It started off ok but then the more I wrote, the more I got upset. I starting thinking about how my life would be better off if I wasn’t in it. Then I started off saying that there is no point in being in therapy anyways if I was just going to take my life. And what is the point of therapy, why do I continue to go on knowing that I am going to take my life anyways. This time there is no doubt about it. I plan on taking my life sometime this year because there is no way I am going to live another year of being in chronic physical and emotional pain. I just can’t do it. I know there are people out there that have the same condition as me, who have the same degree of depression, who have no reason to go on. They might be down on their luck and everything that goes with it but they will get better with time. I also know they endure because suicide, although appealing to them, just doesn’t seem to be the answer for them or maybe they have tried and realized they are better off suffering. I don’t know. I just know that I am done. I am done trying to sort out my life knowing that I am a failure in everything I do. I might fail on this last bid to exit this world but at least I can’t say that I didn’t try hard enough this time. I have been planning for years and if I don’t do it now, then I might as well just stop saying that I am going to kill myself when I know I’m not. I want to be dead, why is that hard for people to understand. I know there are people in my life that will have no clue why I’m suicidal, but I am hoping these blogs will help them understand that I am just a loser who fails at everything I do. I should be places right now, have my degree and be on my own, making the kind of money a degree brings. Instead my illness has robbed me of that and so much more. It has destroyed my credit history and I really don’t care much anymore because I will be dead. Least I hope I will be. I might fail because I am just a failure and don’t failures always fail?