Tag: suicide ideation

still struggling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling with the depression. I feel like it is strangling me at this point. I still don’t want to go to therapy but my therapist is persistent and talked me into a session tomorrow, our normal time. I had cancelled it but, of course, she kept it open. I just feel like I can’t get a grip on this thing. I just want to do nothing.

I really wanted a cup of coffee today but there was no cream at my sister’s. I was bummed. I could have went to the store to buy it but found reasons not to. I had to take a shower today as I didn’t take one in almost a week. I did, then tripped over the towel I was using and tweaked my back. I have been hurting ever since. Now I really don’t want to do anything. My mother has been bugging me to get eggs. I will tomorrow, or try to. Depends on how I feel tomorrow. Maybe I can get my starbucks coffee and be a little happy about something.

I have been listening to music to try and help my mood. So far the playlist is on all my songs so it has been helpful because there have been songs I haven’t heard in a while. Some of the songs have meaning, others are just upbeat enough to take me out of the misery for a little bit. I keep trying to fight the depression but it’s tough. Seems like whatever I try to do, it backfires on me and I end up feeling 10 times worse.

I got rudely woken up this morning by my doctor’s office. Because I have a UTI, they were calling to see if I improved. I was so mad because I was in such a sound sleep. I didn’t return the call but the nurse was persistent. She called me again. I told her I was fine. Still having spasms but they are less. Hope this course of antibiotics works. I see my PCP Friday so we’ll see. Thank god the leaking has stopped. I was getting worried there for awhile.

I also see my psychiatrist again on Friday. I don’t know why I need to see her again. It’s not like she can do anything for me. She just wants me to ride out this depression and I can’t stand it. I am very frustrated that there is nothing to do when I get like this. The suicidality has subsided a little bit but I still feel like there is a black cloud following me. I just feel so hopeless and why bother with treatment. It just sucks. I really hate feeling like a piece of shit all the time. I wish there was a medication that worked for me.

hopeless about writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, writing

I met with my psychiatrist today. I told her everything that I have been feeling the past two weeks. She wants me to take off writing for a bit and see how I feel. I don’t know if I can go that long without writing a blog. But if you don’t see one from me every day, know that is why. That I am recharging my batteries so to speak.

I had a dreadful day. My ankle acted up on me and my urine culture test came back positive. I have a urine infection. YAY. I get to take antibiotics for the next seven days. I think it’s good too because I am starting to get the chills and that isn’t good. I would get the antibiotics now but I don’t feel like it. I have to take it twice a day anyways so if I start tomorrow, it’s not going to be that big a deal. I have my cranberry juice to keep me hydrated.

I tweeted about my book today, like I have been doing the past two weeks. I have become addicted to twitter again. It’s much more interesting than Facebook. I am following a bunch of therapists and doctors and it is really interesting to read their tweets. I miss being in the medical field.

I told my psychiatrist I don’t know why I should take my medication other than potentially getting worse. Some how this raised a red flag for her so I get to see her next week instead of two weeks. Great. I don’t feel like seeing these people and they want to see me. I am very hopeless. Why can’t they see that? I just don’t get it.

I also think that people haven’t been buying my book because it is too depressing. It’s hard to write hopeful stuff when you don’t feel it. I got as much from my psych today. It’s making me want to give up trying to sell more books. I added the link to my popular blog but have not gotten any clicks on the page. I guess people just want to read the chapter and not the book. Yesterday I got 25 hits, today 20, so far. I am sure I am over 2,000 hits total for this blog entry. I wrote a lot about stuff, personal stuff. Maybe I was too personal. I am having a hard time with this. Not that I wanted to be a millionaire with this book. I knew that wasn’t going to happen. But I just wanted to sell 100 copies and that isn’t going to happen I guess. It is kicking me really low. I just feel like a failure. But maybe when my second book comes out, I won’t feel that way. I am trying to work on it but it is so difficult with this depression that I have. I can’t do anything. Everything hurts. Even holding a pen is heavy to the task of writing. I use the same pen I always use and for some reason, lately it just feels so heavy. That is why my psych thinks I need a break from writing.

I don’t know what to do but to write a little every day. Not writing is going to be weird. Maybe I will take the weekend off and see how that goes. Guess this will be the first Saturday Blog that I will be missing.

one highlight on this bleary day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

So, in case you didn’t know, there is a bug in Internet Explorer browser that might lead you to hacking by assholes. So I have been using Chrome for all my online activity. It is kind of a pain because I am used to having two browsers open and I can check my two MSN accounts simultaneously. Now I cannot do so. I have to sign out of one to get to the other or use my phone for my email. Bugger. I hope that Microsoft fixes this soon because I really like using my laptop for email than my phone.

Went to the doc today because I think I have a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection). I have a trace of it so they won’t treat me until the culture comes back on Monday. Fucking great. I am just supposed to drink cranberry juice while my bladder is having spasms. Just great. And I am leaking when it spazzes so this is just so fucking wonderful. And, the best part, is that of course my doc is on vacation! EVERY single time I need him for something, he is on vacation. I should have just said the hell with going but I feel so miserable and I know I don’t feel right. I am just so pissed I wasted my time today. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I see tomorrow, to let her know. Course seeing her tomorrow is also going to be a waste of time. I don’t know why I bother see her. She isn’t going to have the magic answer to cure me of my depression. She might help with my mood a little bit by seeing her but when I leave it will go too. I am just do depressed I don’t want to do a damn thing. And tomorrow is an early appointment. Which means, I got to get up earlier than usual and get out of the house. Just great.

I had my iced coffee today. It was the highlight of this bleary day. I really enjoyed it. Long as there was one thing today that made me happy even though the rest of the day sucked.

Black hole of depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I have been meaning to see my PCP for the past few days because I think I might have a UTI. Today it was on my mind but I never made the call. I will try again tomorrow. I just don’t want to deal with an idiot and my doc knows the situation I am in so I know he will understand more than one of his colleagues. Trouble is, I don’t know if I can see him. He might not be available and then I will be screwed. I have an appointment with him next week but I fear the longer I wait, the worse I will get. I am already starting to feel really crappy. No fevers or anything but just run down. I hate dealing with this. And then if it is not a UTI, I am going to wonder if my back is starting to go. That is my huge fear.

I still am in a hopeless depression. I swear it gets worse with each passing day. I am just so tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just sleep and not wake up until it passes? Or just not wake up at all. That would be my ideal plan. I just feel like I am stuck in a black hole of some kind that is sucking all the hope from me. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, it never works. I feel so useless.

I had a few arguments with my therapist today. I told her that I hate her. I didn’t want to see her anymore and that next week would be our last session. All got ignored. She didn’t like the idea of quitting while I was in the throws of another suicidal depression, so she is not going to let me go. She is such a bitch. I don’t know how many times I told her I hated her. But she just ignored me. That made me even more mad. I told her I didn’t want to talk. We agreed that we will meet once next week. I hope she keeps that. Sometimes she will say something like that but then “forget” and call me. She still wants me to go out there to sign her book. I haven’t figured out when I am going to do this. If I had the money for gas, it would be no problem. I would just borrow my sister’s car and go out there. But I am broke and what money I have left I have to save to ship out my books to the UK. I told my therapist I would text her like crazy and she is ok with that. She is a weirdo.

My psych answered my email that I sent at like 2-3 in the morning. She wanted to see if I saw my PCP. I told her I slept late and didn’t call. I then asked if she had any magic pills as my pills suck but she hasn’t responded. I also told her I am in a black hole, that I am beyond hopeless. I don’t want to go on with treatment anymore. What is the point? My therapist said that if I stopped my meds, I would be worse. Probably. I just hate being so down and tired all the time.

Tomorrow I need to cancel one appointment and make another. Go to the post office and ship my book to the UK. Then, I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t feel like going for coffee. I don’t feel like writing. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. Today I did a lot as I was waiting for UPS to deliver my books so I was going up and down the stairs constantly. My ankle is not happy with me right now and probably won’t be the rest of the night. Oh well. I just need to clear off a shelf on my bookcase to put the books in.