Tag: writing

air let out of a balloon

by Midnight Demon, posted in mental disorders, mood disorders, suicide

My blog views have gone through the roof. I currently am at 132 for today ALONE. I never had such interest before. I always felt that if I got at least 20 views a day, I was doing good. But never would I imagine that there would come a day that 100 people would read my blog or that a single person would read my entire blog. So I thank you because it means a lot to me.

I still feel like crap. I don’t know if I am getting better or worse. I just know that I am now taking pain killers for my throat pain as it keeps it away for a few hours until it wears off. I was taking two tablets but have now cut down to one and it seems to still do the trick. I would call for an appointment to my doctor but he doesn’t have any openings until next week. I see him anyway. I see him next Thursday. I just hope that I am better by then but I don’t think so as I am now coughing up yellow phlegm. Not a good sign that all is well. And noises are driving me beserk!! I cannot tolerate my mother listening to the TV anymore so I shut myself up in my room where it is quieter. She has to listen to it almost full blast because she is deaf and I just cannot tolerate it. My head still feels like it is underwater. I don’t think it is because of migraine activity because I don’t have a headache. I still am congested and I HATE it. I rather have the annoyances of a cough than have head congestion. Least with a cough you can take medicine for it but congestion, HA, I have tried everything and nothing works. The only thing that does that lasts but for a few hours is my nasal spray.

I talked with my therapist today. I told her I was still planning and scheming to end my life. She wanted details of my demise and I asked her why she wanted them. She gave me some bullshit about her just wanting to know. I was too sick to argue with her so I told her. I then told her about my conflict about my mother and my friend who is depending on me to be there to help her with her writing. I sometimes feel that I can put off killing myself because of these two people and then I get the fuck its and don’t really care. Plan back on. If it sounds like I am ambivalent, I guess I am. Planning your death is not easy. There are many variables you have to account for. And stupid me, I have let the one variable (therapist) in on it. Now my therapist wants me to tell my psychiatrist. I can’t tell her because I know I will be involuntarily hospitalized. If not now, then I know around the time I am to do the deed.

I was also telling my therapist today that I just feel this need to do this more than anything in the world. I don’t know why. I just know that I cannot go on like this. I am tired of always being in the dumps, being in pain, and not being able to walk more than a few blocks. I have tried to cope, to pretend that all is right and that I can make it but I am still struggling for air and I just feel my time has come to an end. I know I will leave a book unpublished but I have my blog. I hope it will be enough.

Since I have been sick, I have not had my coffee all week. Not that it matters anyways as it hurts to swallow. It seems to be all fine after I take my pain pill but sometimes it still hurts and it is so driving me crazy. I wish I had popsicles. I know those would soothe my throat. I have ice cream sandwiches but they aren’t the same.

My endo doc ordered blood work and when I brought it up to my psychiatrist, she wanted some things too. I wanted to get it done Tuesday but because I wasn’t feeling well, it slipped my mind. I am going to try and get it done tomorrow. I have to be fasting so that means I can’t have my coffee. Which is so going to suck! I can take it with me though. I think that is what I will do. Though I don’t see the point as who cares if my cholesterol is high when in less than two months, I plan on being in the ground.

sucky weekend

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I didn’t know if I would post today or not. I have been ill with a sore throat that is kicking my butt with fevers and such. Luckily the outside temp is not really brutal. It started Friday night with a sneeze and my throat has been sore since. I just got some relief with some pain pills so I thought I would write, though there is nothing exciting to really write about.

The hard part is trying to have a conversation with my deaf mother. I have to be a little more vocal and it hurts right now. I don’t understand how I could be running a fever when all I did was sneeze really hard. I guess the blow of a sneeze cannot be underestimated. I once threw my back out because of a sneeze.

I am supposed to do go with my father to his doctor’s appointment Tuesday. I hope that I can also keep my therapy appointment that day but it’s all wait and see right now. I know I will go to my dad’s appt but not sure I will have a voice for therapy.

I watched the CMT music awards tonight that I recorded from the other night. What really made my throat hurt was swearing loudly when Miranda Lambert won over Taylor Swift. That stupid bitch wins all the awards. I don’t get it. I swear by now the ballot pool is rigged so that she wins and no one else does. My poor Taylor has not won an award since Miranda has been “popular”. I can’t stand her because I just can’t. I don’t know why. She just seems like a trashy white girl and I don’t like that.

Since I have been incapacitated by this sore throat and fevers, I have not thought about ending my life. It is weird when you have a physical ailment, all your mental thoughts go out the window. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. But I’ll take it for now.

I finished my Australian Pen Pal book and wrote a review for it. I will post it on Amazon sometime tomorrow. I am too wiped out today to go through the process of reviewing. I hope it helps my friend. I am reading her other book, Ginger’s Gift, about dog companionship now. So far it is a good book. Even though I am not a true dog lover (I like dogs but would never have one to own), I can understand how challenging a first time owner would be with a neurotic dog!

Well my meds are kicking in now and everything is getting blurry so I will stop here for now. Until tomorrow!

a useless therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain

I had a pretty exhausting but good day. I had a little hypomania for most of the day but that seems to have dissipated now. I have not crashed yet but I know it is coming on. I am dreading it. Given that I already have suicidal tendencies in the forefront of my mind, it is going to be hard to get away from this crash, depending on how bad it is. I was euphoric for nearly a day and a half, the longest I have ever been in such a long, long time. But I think a migraine interfered with it since I have taken my migraine med I have been feeling calmer and the racing thoughts have stopped.

I am listening to the ball game because I cannot stand watching the game while Dennis Eckersley is announcing. So I am listening rather than watching. I like listening to Joe Castiglione. He has a calming radio announcers voice.

I gave my therapist the blog that I wrote the other night, before my euphoria. It is so weird that I wrote so darkly and then felt the complete opposite within 12 hours. I met with her today as I had my sister’s car. We did not go into overtime. This week I am meeting with her four times. I know that might seem excessive but given my mood swings, it will be good. My thoughts were all over the place while I was talking. I didn’t know exactly what to talk about as she didn’t do her homework of reading the Managing suicidal risk forward that I told her to. I didn’t even see the book on her desk when I came into her office so I know she didn’t read it. I forget now why I wanted her to read it other the fact Shneidman praises Dr. Jobes work. I was kind of hoping that she would pull out an SSF (suicide status form) but my mind was going a hundred directions at once. I don’t remember half of what we did talk about other than me feeling like superman. She wanted permission to talk to my psychiatrist, which I consented. I don’t know what she will say. She thought that since I was euphoric I would give up my idea of being suicidal but I was too giddy to say yes to that. Maybe I was feeling good because I know there is an end to my pain. Wouldn’t be the first time I felt ok after making the decision to end my life. But I also wonder if I felt good because the pain I have been feeling is finally gone for the time being. I did tweak my ankle today just stepped wrong while looking for something in my room. We talked about my pain meds being a factor but for it to last more than a day, I find that highly unlikely. I know the pain med might still be floating in my system but I doubt it would have lasted till now.

I tried to stay focused with the letter/blog. I know I talked about how I got four more followers to make it 190 right now. I am pretty proud of my blog. I know that I touch people with it. And I do get some bloggers that provide feedback. I got a comment today about what I am writing, whether I am trying to reach out to people and I am not. I am just writing to express my feelings. I am not writing for sympathy.

As I got to see my therapist today, I got to see my big teddy bear, Johnny. I miss him. He is just a HUGE cuddly teddy bear. I love him since the day he entered my life 12 years ago. I got him as a gift when I had my first back surgery. He is so big that he couldn’t fit in the bed with me. I had to put him in a chair next to me. I told him today that he would have to take care of my therapist when I am gone. My therapist didn’t like hearing this but I have been telling her for years this.

We did talk about my writing my book. I told her that I would just put my stuff on dropbox for my friend to publish. I then had to explain what dropbox was as my therapist is technologically inept. I really don’t think my book will ever get published. But from what I gather from writers is that you just have to keep writing in order for that to happen. I still want to get a good publisher like scholar or some kind of press but I am not sure I can ever hit the big leagues. I know there are some self publishing companies but I don’t really have the dough to make that happen. And I doubt I would make the best sellers list. I know my blog is successful but I don’t think my life will make the big leagues in the book world. Most people have gone electronic anyways.

I feel like I need another cup of Java I am so tired but I have been up since six this morning. It is now eight thirty in the evening. I just took my night time meds. But I can’t go to sleep just yet because I am listening to the game.

I am starting to feel like shit mentally. I am wondering if I should go back to the hospital but that just always gives me more problems than it is worth sometimes. I don’t really get the help that I need there, depending where I go. Mostly you are counseled by the nursing staff and they are ultimately make the decision on whether or not you can go, not the attending psychiatrist. You are lucky to see the attending more than 10 minutes. And that is not enough time to do any sort of assessment. They basically just ask you questions, are you safe, are you going to hurt yourself and if they questions are no for three days, they send you free. They don’t care what brought you in the hospital. Soon as you are in, your insurance company wants to set you free.

accountability

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Just had my morning coffee, Blue Java. I made it a little bit too strong as I don’t have the right scoop anymore. I don’t know what my mother did with it, but I can’t find it. Now I feel energized. I wrote two pages in my book. I felt I could write more but I needed a break from what I was writing. It stirred up a lot of emotions from last year. I can’t believe it’s been a year now that I have been out of work. I still feel the sting every time I talk about it.

A friend of mine wanted me to write a blog about friendships and being there for people. I have to say that since my departure from my job there have been people there for me but now they have withered away. I don’t talk to my former coworkers anymore, even the ones that I had gotten really close to. I guess you can say that my friends have moved away from me. I get calls every now and then but that is it. After saying hello and how are you doing there really isn’t much to talk about.

My friend was in need of talking to someone and when she dialed a few friends they weren’t available and that hurt her. I don’t blame her. I know what it is like to want to talk to someone and not have anyone to call. Least she has someone to call but when they don’t answer, that just feels like a slap in the face.

I have one friend that I can count on day or night to call up and talk to no matter what time it is. And so far he has not disappointed me. I sometimes text him first to see if he is available and he usually texts me back if he isn’t or calls me if he is. I love him and value his friendship more than anything.

But how is it that people say they are going to be there for you and then not follow through? I don’t get that. I think people say it just to be friendly and hope that no one ever calls them on it. That is just hurtful. If you are not going to be available for that important call, then don’t bother saying you are always there for them because you are not. In a suicidal crisis, that is the worst thing you can do. But my friend wasn’t suicidal. She just needed to talk to some one and no one was there for her. This makes me sad. She is a good person and I know she has some really good friends and all but how good is it if they don’t return phone calls or answer them. I know with caller ID people can just ignore phone calls now. They see who is calling and just decide they don’t want to talk to that person right now. Or maybe they are too busy to pick up the phone because they are in the middle of something. But couldn’t they just say that rather than ignore the call? I think that would be better but most people don’t think that way anymore. I know people have their lives to attend to. I just think it is sucky when you want to talk to someone and no one is there to pick up the phone.