Tag: writing

random 11 on the 11th

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I feel really unmotivated to do anything today. But I did return my one phone call and they are going to pick up my car tomorrow morning. I know my brother-in-law will be happy about that.

I was going to go out today but I had coffee at home so there is no reason for me to go out now. I will be going out tonight as I have my Aunt’s 90th birthday party to go to. I really don’t feel like going but I am her godchild so I need to go. And I have to take my father and sister so there is no way I can get out of it. My aunt will be very disappointed if I don’t show. I suppose I will have to shower now that I will be going out. I should do this after my blog in case it wears me out and I need a nap. I don’t know why a shower is so exhausting to me at times. But I guess when you have chronic illness, any type of physical activity if going to wear you out. I don’t shower for very long, in fact, I have timed it to be around 10 minutes. Not very long at all but it still wears me out at times.

I had therapy today. Again, my therapist wanted me to write a “positive affirmation” blog about myself. Or even a letter to her. I was going to write it on Sunday night, but I got too tired after all the good things that happened. I thought the good feelings would last but they didn’t. Sunday evening I noticed that Amazon had me as one of their favorite books of the year. It is no longer there anymore but I snapped a picture of it to prove it was there! If those of you that are reading this have a Kindle, my book is now on sale for just 99 cents. Here is the link.

We didn’t spend too much time talking about the affirmation part of it. I felt good knowing that my book touched someone Sunday night. Apparently, I have my intro to the book on my blog. If you want to see it, click here. I never knew this guy had struggles with suicide, but then, not too many people wear signs that they struggle, myself included. I tweeted him that he wasn’t alone and he said he would buy my book. I hope he does and I hope that it helps him in some way.

That was another thing my therapist pointed out to me today, that I am creative. I don’t think of myself as creative. I really have to focus if I want to be creative. And the thing about self-promoting my book is that I am going to have to be creative in 140 characters or less. I have 7 days to let the world know that my book is 99 cents. And I can’t use the same tweet over again. Silly, I know. I can have the same message on Facebook but Twitter knows when you use the same message. So trying to come up with several different hashtag combos and wording is going to be a challenge. So I guess I am a little creative but again, I have to be focused to come up with stuff and my brain doesn’t have the knack right away to come up with sayings. It is usually after the fact that I come up with a good line.

Something is going on with my phone. When someone calls me, the phone doesn’t show the number or person calling until like 3 rings into the call. It is annoying me. Like today, I was all into Twitter as Garth Brooks just signed up for his account and the phone rang but I had no idea who it was until the 3rd ring. It was my therapist and I was kind of off guard as I completely lost track of the time. For 2 seconds I was wondering why she was calling me, interrupting my Twitter scrolling and music playing. I had Luke Bryan playing and was really into the song when she called. I hate when people call during a good song! LOL Or I will get a few text messages during the song. Annoying! But I guess that is the price I pay when I listen to music on my phone.

We also talked about technological stuff. I had to explain about Twitter chats to her as she has no idea what they are about. It is a good thing because she wouldn’t be able to keep up. The tweets were crazy Sunday night. I had looked into another browser and when I came back, there were 20+ tweets that I had missed. All within a span of a few minutes! I know there are a lot of people that join the chat. I think one week we had over 65 people. Insane! You really have to be a fast, proficient reader to keep up. And then my phone was blowing up with all the RTs and favorites or mentions. I keep forgetting to shut my ringer off.

Looks like my father wants to make a “late” appearance at the birthday party. Just fucking great. Me navigating in dark is not so well and I know it is going to be pitch black come 5 pm tonight. I hate driving at night. If it was just me, I wouldn’t care but with my father, my nerves are on edge because he has his own “way” of getting to where we are going. I unfortunately am not that familiar with driving from his house to my aunts. It is going to be nerve racking that is for sure. Too bad I can’t take an Ativan.

Pill boxes and writing

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, depression, suicidality, writing

Just finished filling the pill box for the week. Because I take pills in the morning and evening, I had two to fill. Usually, I just fill one and the other is just take what I want or remember to. I take at least 10 pills at night, not counting my pain pills or PRNs. I don’t know if they help my mood lately but I take them anyway.

I tried writing today. I got a little done, changed a few paragraphs/sentences. But didn’t write anything new. I don’t know what my problem is. The stuff is there, but it just won’t come out. Maybe I am thinking too hard. I don’t know. But I got to get some writing done soon. 2015 is around the corner and I would like to get at least 50 pages done by mid year. Right now I don’t have squat.

I made my coffee wrong this morning. It is way too strong. I don’t understand how I did it as I used the same coffee/water ratio. I drank only a quarter of a cup. It was all that I could stomach. Totally put a dent in my day as I was so looking forward to a nice cup of coffee today. But I knew if I forced myself to drink it all or most of it, I would pay with severe anxiety later on today. But the little I had, took the cobwebs out of my head.

Tomorrow I am getting out the house, even if it kills me. I need to go to Starbucks. I think a change of scenery might be what I need to write what I need to. And unlike my writing partner, I am not bent on page limits or time. She writes at least three pages a day on something and maybe spends an hour or two working on it. I don’t have those restrictions. So why do I have such difficulty writing?? I think it might be that I don’t really want to do it. I have no direction so I don’t know what avenue to write and I don’t want to write one way and then my partner says, no, go this way. Course it is all a matter of interpretation. It is just so frustrating because she is not working on the book right now and I rather have something for when the depression hits and I can’t do shit. It takes a real effort to try and write when I am feeling unmotivated and depressed. That is why my book so long took a year to write. I don’t want the same thing happening to this book.

I guess I should move some shit around my room so my brother-in-law can take my AC out of my room before it starts to rain again. I hear there is supposed to be snow this week so I need to get it out. Sucks having a depression that doesn’t make you want to do things. But mostly it has been my pain levels lately that have determined what I do and don’t do. Which is why my writing is so important to me. If I can’t do anything else, least I can write, but that hasn’t been the case. And it is driving me crazy.

random 432

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

Seeing as I am up and will soon take a nap, I thought I would write a little bit. My day has been productive. I went to my niece’s school to drop off her violin and then went shopping for my powerade. I underestimated how heavy the load will be. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. And I just realized, I never wrote a blog for yesterday. Guess I will have to write one later, if I feel up to it.

I had therapy yesterday morning. I was really sleepy for most of the day. I actually slept most of the afternoon as I wasn’t feeling well. Bozo was in rare form yesterday. She still wanted me to write an affirmation blog about myself. She should know by now that I never write about myself, least not in a positive way. I just am not comfortable with it. I had an anxiety attack while talking with her about it. I don’t know why I got nervous talking to her. She then said that it was because of “conflict” that I was having the anxiety. I don’t know what that means. We talked about how I felt like I was letting her down by not doing this assignment. I nearly almost always, do what ever her little brain thinks of. But I have a problem with this assignment because I don’t think I am a valued member of society anymore. I feel rotten. All I feel is down and depressed. Nothing really helps my mood. I thought the antidepressant was working but I think it stopped. I don’t even know if it is doing anything but keep the weight on me.

It is cold in my room and it is going to get colder. I still haven’t removed the AC in my room. It is probably still wet from all the rain yesterday so I really don’t want to bring it in until it dries. I hate feeling cold, even though I love it better than heat. I rather be cold than hot, but not freezing cold! I have to put on slipper socks because my feet are getting really cold and my ankle is already whining.

I watched the CMA awards today. I didn’t turn into a Miranda Lambert night as I thought it was going to be. Kasey Musgraves won and the entertainer of the year award was presented by Garth Brooks, won by Luke Bryan and I cried tears of joy, literally. I was so happy for him. And it was great seeing Garth again. I miss seeing him on stage. I hope he will come back to Boston soon. I would surely love to see his concert. I also love the fact that people actually counted how many dresses Carrie Underwood wore during the show. It is too funny. I am like who cares or she changed again, big deal!

I should have made coffee today. I am so tired that I can go to sleep. I don’t know why I have been so tired lately. Last night, I was all achy and felt like I was catching a cold or something. Today, I am just sleepy. Probably from hauling all that powerade home. But I am set for the week and I was glad it was on sale for less than a dollar. I got more for my money, though I really wanted to buy some oatmeal so I could make oatmeal pancakes. I used the last of it and my mother nor I have not replaced it. She did buy the individual packets of oatmeal but they are flavored so I can’t really cook with them. So frustrating because I love the pancakes. It is such and easy recipe, much like the one my mother makes. Actually if you take out the oatmeal and add another ½ cup of flour, you will have the original pancake recipe. But looks like my mother is making pasta with sauce tonight. Maybe I can get her to make pancakes tomorrow morning.

I sent my therapist my last blog post and she didn’t read it. I was going to ask her if she did, but I knew from our conversation that she didn’t. I don’t know why that bothers me but it does. I know she probably didn’t check her messages before we spoke, which is most likely the case. I wanted her to know how bad I was doing and my explanation of why I couldn’t do her assignment. I am not doing it out of deviance. I really think that I have no positive qualities worth writing about other than being smart. But being smart only gets you so far.

I have not been to Starbucks in almost three weeks now. I really need to get back to my routine of leaving the house and getting coffee every day. I knew buying coffee for home was going to make me more of a hermit than I was expecting. Some days I don’t even make coffee. I don’t really “need” it but it is nice to have at home. As long as I have cream, I am all set. I will try and go out tomorrow. I miss the atmosphere and the smell of coffee being grounded. Nothing beats that smell. My coffee still smells like being freshly grounded. It’s so hard going out because I no longer have a coffee that I like at Starbucks and my latte drinks are really expensive now that I can’t really stand paying nearly 5 bucks for one. But I know they are expensive because milk isn’t cheap anymore.

Random 747

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally got a hold of my psychiatrist via email. She wants to meet at the same time I am to meet with the new ankle doc. Great. Doesn’t look like I will be seeing her this month. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. I don’t have that many to fill this month because I spent all last month filling them up and then some. I am hoping to afford everything and still be able to pay my bills.

Ankle and foot are really hurting today. I thought I would have a day of not having anything to do with him but my sister wanted me to bring him something as she was unable to. So now I am hurting. Friday I have to watch my niece. Which involves me picking her up from school. That should be fun. But I am not going out at all tomorrow so I am hoping I can sleep all day. It would have been good to see the ankle doc tomorrow but the damn idiot had an emergency so had to reschedule. I am not happy about this. I had psyched myself up for the appointment and now I have to wait another two weeks. What a let down.

My game came back online finally. It was having problems loading so I couldn’t play for almost a day. But I kept myself occupied with other things, mostly crappy writing. I haven’t written in my journal in a long time. It has been at least a week since I last wrote. I should update to the current events but I really don’t want to. It’s like it is fine when I am bored but if I am not bored, I just don’t do it.

I drank again today. I am glad I did because I was able to nap. My therapist was flipping out and wanted me to tell my “prescribers” that I am drinking. Um, that is a no. I am not telling anyone that I am drinking and I am not going to tell her anymore that I am doing so. What is the point if she is always going to harp at me. I don’t think I am doing anything wrong. The only person I am hurting is myself. I am not a driver anymore so it’s not like I am drinking and driving. I just have a few shots of gin and I am good for the day. Nothing wrong with that. People drink all the time. And I am a limited drinker. When I get tired of drinking, I will stop, on my own, without any intervention. I have been doing this for years.

Why am I drinking? Because I can’t stand my father. It is how I cope with him. It always has been this way since I was a teenager. He would supply the alcohol and I would get buzzed. And that is all I do. I drink to get a little bit buzzed and then I relax a bit. I don’t drink to get drunk, unless I have a really bad day or I am hurting really bad. And besides, alcohol has been the only “drug” that I have not tried for my ankle pain. The alcohol makes me forget about the pain for a little while.