I have been in a depressive funk for the past few days. It started with a CES accident and has not let up since. Most days I do not think I have CES because my symptoms are minor and the burning in my legs have dwindled for the past week for some reason, maybe because I have gone back on my mood stabilizer. Well the mood stabilizer has done nothing to stabilize my mood. I have gone off the deep end twice and have thought nothing of killing myself for no good reason. Anything that doesn’t go my way I am thinking of ending my life.
It started before New Years so I can’t say with certainty the holidays brought it on. Now I am dealing with voices. They are a low mumble right now. I hate them more than I hate being suicidally depressed. I think I might end up in the hospital if I can’t get the voices under control. I kind of stopped my meds last week because I was getting horrible side effects. Now I am back on them but it is going to take a couple days to work up to a therapeutic dose.
I had to reblog one of my blogs because it got spammed really bad. I was getting spam messages almost every day that had nothing to do with the content of what I was saying. It was depressing because it is a paper I worked hard on for the past few years. I know the blog world doesn’t think much about academic papers but I know I couldn’t get this published anywhere so a friend said to blog it. I have gotten good reviews from friends about it. I have gotten nothing since the reblog.
Yesterday I had 50 viewers on my site. Not bad as my average is usually 17-20 but no one left me any comments…
Yesterday I went out to read and lost the book I was reading. It fell out of my bag and left me really depressed. It is a book about suicide and I was getting to the “good” part of what the underlying cause of my suicidality is. I feel like such an idiot for losing it (I forgot to close my bag after putting it back in). I suppose I could go to the bus stop tomorrow and see if anyone has turned it in. Most likely someone just threw it away. The thing that really stinks is that it is an autographed copy. I got the book when the American Association of Suicidology was in Boston for their annual conference. I have ordered another copy on Amazon but it is a paperback and I had the hardcover. I like hardcovers better than paperbacks. It is so depressing.
I must have thought a million times to page my psychiatrist or my therapist because my mood has dropped twenty degrees in the past 48 hours. I just don’t know what to do. I know part of it is because I still have my menses which I shouldn’t have. It is messing me up with the whole transgender thing. I am a male and should not be getting menses. I am in the wrong body. I am so upset I have thought about cutting to soothe myself but I don’t want anyone to see my scars. I have little ones that will harp on it like a bat out of hell. And I don’t want to worry my family so I suffer. It’s not like talking about it is going to help anyways.
midnightdemons7 