more on transitioning

I started the day with an unusual abundance of energy. I felt like I could face the world and was ready to take it on. That was until I had my therapy session and all bits went to hell. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to curl up in bed and not do anything.
After session I felt a little better after talking about my TG stuff. This stuff is really complicated and I feel very alone with it though people around me are very supportive of it. I am trying to get used to the pronouns and the medical issues I am having. See I go to one place and only my psychiatrist knows my issues right now because I am a “beginner”. I have not told my PCP or any other of my many other care providers. Not like they would turn me away, or they might to another “qualified” individual. I just feel that right now since I am spotting I need to see someone. I got my periods stopped by birth control pills and trust me having to take female hormones to stop my menses kills me enough. But having to explain it without crying my eyes out that is another matter. Not to mention that among my many care providers they all read each other’s notes except my psychiatrist so if I tell one, the others are going to know except I am not there yet. I don’t want it in my medical file that I am a transgendered individual or that I have gender identity disorder yet. I just am not there as sometimes it takes so much emotion that all I do is cry over it as I talk about. I guess part of it is because I hate myself so much that I just want no part of my body. I can deal with the facial hair but I cannot deal with my breasts or my reproductive system. Those are the two things I hate most about myself. I just wish I had the money to get the operation to get rid of both. To look down and not see breasts would make me happy. To actually see hair on my chest would be wonderful and not the little stubs I have now. I truly hate myself for being in the wrong body.
And this is why I am suicidal. This is why I want to end my life. I hope that by the time my date comes around I am half way to the other side or else I just end things and let things be. My parents can bury me as their daughter instead of their son. because it hurts too much to be not who I really am meant to be.