I spent most of the day wondering what to write today. I thought I would play with my dragon software that has been laying idle now for a month but had a yearning to listen to Garth Brooks so nixed that idea.
I have been reading the book “writing the breakout novel” by David Maass. Though I never attempted to write a novel, he is giving me ideas for my next book. I am thinking of writing about the most traumatic point in my life but fictionalizing it. I think I can do it. I don’t know if I can write a book about it, maybe a short story, but who knows. I will outline the chapters and such. This book helps with all of that. I could have a breakout novel or novelette.
On another note, been stewing on this all week and I finally can’t hold it in anymore. I have had trouble with my left ankle since 2009/2010. I can no longer stand for long period nor walk long distances like i used to. The reasons for this is not clear as every single test (xray/mri) has come back normal. The only thing that my doc still refuses to believe to this day (and I brought it up to him on Monday) is that I have nerve damage that flares up when I do too much because my ankle becomes fatigued. Because of this, I have gotten an AFO in 2011, took 2 bloody years to figure out that when I am fatigued, my ankle goes from a scale of 1-5, a 4 to a 3/2. AND HE STILL REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT NERVE DAMAGE IS CAUSING MY PAIN. He thinks I haven’t found the right doctor yet. I have seen 10 of them over the course of 2010 to 2012, specialists from orthopedists, podiatrists, physiatrists, you name the specialty and I have seen them. But because NOTHING shows on the xray/MRI, they don’t want to treat me. Frankly, I know what is causing my pain as long as I don’t exert myself but that is hard to do. Just doing normal activities, standing to make an egg for example, will tire me out or standing to take a shower. I finally got disability but my doc thinks I could be more functional! Yea, if I could go back in time and fix my CES and not see the damn chiropractor! I am just so frustrated, actually beyond frustrated.
So when I bring up the fact that I have nerve damage in my foot and weakness, he brushes it aside as if it is nothing to think about. HUH??? But he still writes out my pain medication script and for that I am grateful because otherwise, the day he doesn’t do that is the day he signs my death certificate, far as I am concerned. My therapist and psychiatrist know this. Actually, I think my psychiatrist knows what is causing my pain but psychs don’t prescribe narcotic meds. It is a shame. Because if she could, and I wouldn’t have to deal with my PCP idiot, I would be a lot happier. I wouldn’t have to go through the rigmarole every month. There isn’t a doctor out there that wants to help me anymore that knows about nerve damage and weakness. If there was, I am sure I would have found them by now. I have seen at least five ankle specialists alone but because nothing shows up on the Xray, they just think I am fine. Well, I am fine. The damage is not in my tendons or bones per se. It is with the muscles that support my tendons and bones. When those muscles weakens, I start getting fatigued. The more fatigued I get, the more I try to walk improperly and that in turn causes me pain. I just wish my doc could understand this formula but nope. It has to be a PHYSICAL structure that is causing this. I am starting to think that if he were a psychiatrist, he wouldn’t believe I have depression because he wouldn’t be able to see it. Same thing. How I wish weakness (physical or mental) could show up on an X-ray. Maybe more people could be helped.
Right now, after all the little walking I did to get my mocha and a half gallon of milk, I am hurting. I have therapy in two hours and I am contemplating taking a pain med. But I am in a messed up mood anyways, so what difference does it make if I take it or not. Pain will only get worse and I rather deal with this level of pain than see it get worse.
midnightdemons7 
So sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, my several invisible chronic illnesses and pain are different. They can’t be seen, so getting the doctor that will go the extra mile to actually try to figure out the autoimmune disease that is causing all my other diagnosed illnesses, is damn near impossible. I’ve been to so many doctors and all they all say is that I have some autoimmune disease that is attacking my organs and causing all these other diseases, but they won’t do anything more than the regular lab work they do for a physical. Really? I’m going to try one more doctor and then I am done looking for, wasting my time and money I don’t have trying to find this doctor. I know she/he is out there, but I can’t find them. I have an appointment with a new rheumatologist in August and if she won’t do anything more to figure it out before it’s too late, so be it. I’ll then be done and just attempt to carry on in this agonizing pain. I do have fibromyalgia, but I have so much more than that. I have a lot of the symptoms for Lupus. I get copies of all my medical and lab work records and I’ve read an entire book on Lupus. I don’t want to have Lupus. What I want is a proper diagnosis so I can get the proper treatment and possibly live a “better” life. I wish you the best on your journey and just know that you are not alone with this very frustrating problem. I really hate it when I break down and go to the ER and, not always, but a lot of the time I’m treated like a drug seeker. Really, people? I have all the drugs in the world, right here at home. I don’t abuse them or take more than prescribed, ever. All I’m looking for is a proper diagnosis and pain relief. Being permanently disabled at my age sucks. I wish I could get up every day and go to a job like everyone else and make some real money. Disability, I am very thankful to be receiving don’t get me wrong, but it only pays about what I was grossing in one week for the month. Paying for my insurance through this so called affordable care act is costing me 555.95/mo. just for myself. Affordable? Hmmm………….just wondering whose idea of affordable that might be? anyway that leaves me with very little money, if any, each month after paying for my insurance and the few other bills I have to pay. My prescriptions and co-pays have to be paid by someone else. Sigh………………….I’m very lucky and thankful to have this other person to help take care of me, but it really does something to one’s pride after being very self sufficient all my life. Ok, I’m just rambling now. didn’t mean to write a chapter for a book. Good luck to you.
Peace,
Tammy:)
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