Agony

I got an email from my pdoc today. It was in response to the last email that I sent her, which seems like days ago now. I still am feeling crappy and I told her I was stuck in the black hole of depression. I left out the part of killing myself this weekend, which I might not go through with anyways. I got a lot of supportive comments last night and today with my last blog and that made me feel a little bit better. I was worried that someone was going to send cops after me, but they didn’t. I wrote a thank you comment and stated that my mood had shifted, which it has. My pdoc asked if I wanted to come in, which means in her terms go into the hospital but I told her I was seeing her tomorrow. I just hope that I remember to leave the house early.

It is going to suck tomorrow as I did too much today and my ankle is hurting me. I really need a rest day but I thought I could handle walking from my sister’s work and taking the bus home. I had the worst bus ride home. I thought I smelled because I forgot to wear deodorant, but it was nothing compared to this bus! I also was debating getting my haircut today so I can feel a little better about myself. I decided to get it, even though it meant walking a few more blocks home today. More pressure on my ankle than it wanted. And now I am paying for it.

I saw my godmother today. She is 89 and is not doing too well. For the first time since I have known her, she cried three times because she felt bad that she couldn’t do anything like she used to. She has to have someone with her all the time because the chance of her falling is great. I feel really bad. She got diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease a few weeks before her last birthday. She didn’t seem to be shaking as bad as the last time I saw her. But what got her upset was that she can no longer read the numbers to call people. I don’t know if it is because of her cataracts or just old vision. It was sad to see her sad.

I took my father for his doctor’s appointment. Three hours later, we leave. I was beyond pissed. No one was in the waiting room so I am not sure what the fuck the problem was. I hate my father’s doc with a passion now. He is always late, more than my own doctors, and he is just internal medicine! He isn’t a specialist! With specialists, you sort of expect that you are going to be waiting. It just really put me in a more cranky mood than I was in.

I am still struggling with typing today! I have misspelled so many words, it’s not funny! And it is pissing me off! But I am struggling with my suicidality still. I still want to come up with a will and write people letters on what to do with my demise. Problem with this, is that I don’t really know what to write. I keep procrastinating about it, so I guess that is a good thing because I can’t die if people don’t know what to do after I die. I am thinking of having my friend be the person to call my therapist and psychiatrist that I am gone. Thing that is killing me is that I know it will kill my therapist and psychiatrist to have me suicide. I have been with my therapist for more than 10 years and my psych 20. That is a long time to be with someone. And my psych deserves more than just a phone call. What exactly do you give someone when you are going to kill yourself? I don’t have a date set in my mind like I usually do. This time will just be random. And it’s not like I know what I am going to do to kill myself with. That is bugging me more than anything.