Tired of Dealing with Bullshit

Tired of dealing with Bullshit

I realized today that since my accident on Friday, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I keep this blog or stop it, that I don’t care if I see another therapist, or continue to see my current one. I don’t care that my family takes advantage of me and thinks I can do things physically that always bring me pain. I think they have accustomed themselves to me being home all the time, forgetting that I am disabled. I am tired of being in pain every single night and being in fear of this pain because I don’t know if I will sleep. Last night I was having one of the bad nights and thought Hyde was going to come out. He didn’t but it was the perfect scenario for him to come out in. And I don’t care that he has gone under, away from my consciousness. I feel like I am out of touch with everything and I am just going through the motions. I can’t think about killing myself because why bother, I’ll just get it wrong.

Since my mother fell last week, she has asked for help with making dinner and then cleaning up. I hate cleaning up. Growing up, we didn’t have a dishwasher so we had to do all the dishes. My father had his way, my mother had hers. And when one of them were supervising, there was bound to be yelling because we were doing it “wrong” aka the other parent’s way. But my mother washes the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I don’t understand this so I just washed the two dishes and put them in the strainer. I don’t see the point of washing them just to be washed again. Doing this causes me pain. My hip acts up because I am standing greater than ten minutes. Then my foot and ankle decide to get ornery. My upper back can’t stand me doing anything so I have to sit down and rest every ten minutes. It takes a long time to get finished doing this stuff. But I have to help her because she is hurt. I did the dishes and pans tonight. I didn’t do the pan she cooked the mushrooms in because there was still a lot of oil in the pan. I don’t do oil. If I toss it, she might be mad so I just left it for her to do. Tomorrow I have to pick up my niece. I hope my ankle is feeling better by then and I can stand and walk to the school and back.

My therapist and I talked today. She was all business and willing to work with me, even if that meant finding another therapist. We walked down this path before and I am sure we will walk down it again. I was going to make a call today to a social worker in my area. I never made the call. I just can’t go through another possible rejection. I hope the business like attitude continues and we don’t really go back to where we were before.

I realized today that I have become my father. When he becomes mad at someone, he cuts all lines to them. He never talks to them again. I realized today, it’s what I have been doing to my therapist the past three or four years. Every time I get mad at her, I want to leave her. Problem solved. But she wouldn’t allow that, never has. I sent her stuff from the Suicide Summit meeting that is going on the past few days in NY City. Some of it had to do with Jobes and others were from other researchers. We talked about it and the airhead thinks that I still want her to be a suicidologist. I think Airhead is going to be her new name. What I find troubling is that she gets the information that I give her yet won’t step outside her box to actually find these places on her own. Like suicide is a one time thing. I can’t be her only client that is suicidal. Maybe I am. I have no clue. And I don’t want her to be suicidologist, just be aware of what is going on in the suicide world because it is so important in the field of psychology and others. Suicide is everyone’s business, least that is the motto of the AAS. She doesn’t have to change her entire way of doing things, just be aware of what is going on around her. I am not at the hospital anymore where I had access to current research. I am only getting tidbits from Twitter because I follow suicide prevention tweeps. And those tidbits turn into my research library. Sure I get the AAS journal, but it’s the only research journal that I get. When I was at work, I had access to all the psych journals and more. It hurts no longer being an employee anymore.