I am not doing well. I have been hearing voices all day and not my usual ones. I spoke to my therapist about it and she wants me to take medication. I don’t want to take more medication. I haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist on what to do. Then I made a call to one of my doctor’s offices because I needed a refill only to find out she is no longer in the practice and I need to see someone else because it’s been two years since I have been seen. I have three weeks of medication. There is no way I can be seen quickly. I have to call tomorrow because the office is closed now. The new doc is not going to know the circumstances as to why I need this medication to stop my menses. I am going insane so I took a lot of Neurontin, not enough to kill me but enough to knock my ass out, least I hope it will. I am tired of being conscious. This doctor didn’t have the decency to send out a letter saying that she is leaving. I am so bullshit. I hope I don’t have to go through the new doctor routine because it could be months to be seen. I am just so pissed off. First it was my PCP, now it’s my repro endo doc. I might have to go to my PCP’s office to get a refill if I can’t be seen quickly. I don’t know what I am going to do. I am going nuts and the voices aren’t helping. They want me to kill myself. I haven’t told anyone this. I eluded to my therapist about it today when I talked with her but didn’t get into specific details.
I was really tired when I talked with my therapist today. I just didn’t want to talk to her at all. She kept on harping on the fucking needs and shit. That is all I remember about our conversation. She wanted me to take the trilafon a couple days in a row and I knocked her down. I am not going to take it. She asked me why and I told her I don’t need it. She asked if the voices are stopping me and I told her yes. They are scary this time and I am not going to fight them. Let them say what they will. It’s not like I haven’t heard them tell them to kill myself before.
I have been hot and cold all day. I think it’s because I am sleep deprived. The Neurontin will fix that. I should sleep at least 12 hours, least I am hoping to. I will have the hungry horrors tomorrow but oh well. I just hope I can get up early late morning to see my father and do what I have to do without too much trouble. I have to go to Stop and Shop and pick up one of his medications. He doesn’t know about it so that is why I have to go. I hope he doesn’t need bread because the last time I went, they were out of it. I went too late.
I made plans, tentatively, with my friend for a dinner date at a Thai restaurant. He is busy this week and next so it will be the following week but he doesn’t know when. He will call me. That was the 3rd phone call I had to make today. I will order Thai food tomorrow. I don’t know how fast these pills are going to work. Sometimes an hour, sometimes more. It’s always hard to gauge. I am already sleepy but that is because I have been sleeping most of the day. I didn’t make coffee or tea like I wanted to.
So my nervous doctor isn’t at the clinic anymore. Dammit man. If I had known, I would have called sooner for a refill. I am so nervous about it because the reason I am on the pill is because of my suicidal tendencies toward my menses. Even now I am suicidal. It’s in check, I am not going to do anything drastic but I hate having to deal with my menses. It’s just another reason why I am a woman. I hate being a woman. But I can’t tell them this because they are not TG specialists. I really have PMDD, pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder. That was when my suicidal stuff was unchecked and I would be in a suicidal rage whenever it got close to my period. I had no idea why. I still don’t. Then when the bleeding started, I would be “normal”. Since being on hormones, these rages have stopped. But the feelings of wanting to kill myself haven’t. It depresses me that I have to go through this every couple of months. Some months I am okay with it and others I am not. This is one of those months.