vicious cycle

I have been reading my blogs. Seems at the time my NYT article was published, I was hypomanic. I would trade anything to be that way again. Being stuck in the pit of despair is just awful. I have no energy. My appetite is ravenous. I am sleepy. I have the opposite of being manic. I haven’t really left the house all day. I have been picking on the left over Chinese food and eating candy bars, in addition to real food. I just have this feeling of hungry and it hasn’t been satisfied. I have been trying to watch what I eat but part of me just doesn’t fucking care. I am worried about a friend who is sick and in the hospital. He seemed out of it yesterday when I called so I didn’t want to call him again. He hasn’t been eating for most of the month so that is very unlike him. He is the friend that I often go out to dinner with. I hope he gets better soon.

I slept kind of late today. But I had interrupted sleep. I kept waking up to change position. I sleep on my left side and my ankle would hurt. I turn over to my right and then my leg would hurt. I sleep on my back, my back would hurt. I think I need a new foam mattress topper. I plan on getting one soon as I figure out what to do with the old one. It’s heavy and probably needs to be cut so that it can be thrown away.

I am so tired that I don’t care, which is part of the problem. I am not sleeping good because I don’t have a good mattress and I don’t care because I am depressed. It’s a vicious cycle. And the toppers are not cheap. I can’t decide which one I want. I just want to sleep without pain. Used to be $100 for a foam mattress topper; now it’s over $100. And they have different ones, with pillow tops and without pillow tops. UGH. How is a person with depression supposed to decide these things?

Decision making has always been my downfall with depression. It takes me so long to decide what kind of socks I want to wear, what color jeans, what shirt/sweatshirt, etc just to get dressed when I have to go out. What normally takes someone five minutes, it takes me twenty. I just can’t seem to pick one. That is why I buy the same kind of jeans so it’s easier to pick out to wear. Course, now the problem is what fits me and what doesn’t. I have been wearing sweatpants because my jeans are a little too tight. And the more they are tighter, the more it’s harder to get the jeans looser. I refuse to buy the next size up. I just have to try and control my eating. But days like today are difficult to control when you want to eat everything in sight. Then there will be days when it’s a struggle to eat, when you have no appetite at all. All I really want to eat is Life cereal. Go back to my cereal diet and things will go back to normal. I hope anyways.

I told my mother that I wanted a brownie cake for my birthday. But I just checked my groceries, or what is left of them, and the box didn’t arrive with them. So now I will have to buy them. I am going to check to see if I didn’t put them in the cabinet where we place the baking stuff. I might have put it there so my mother knows where it is. If it is not there, then I will be pissed. Stop and Shop will have gipped me again. I didn’t get my pretzel rods but I got credited for it. If my foot wasn’t throbbing I would go downstairs and check. It’s going to bug me now. It’s probably in the cabinet.

I am so damn tired. I think I am going to take my meds and go to bed. My thoughts are becoming bad anyways. I had a hard time earlier tonight. Someone in BPD Chat set me off and I got triggered. One of the chat people was just being demeaning. It was making me uncomfortable. Like only people with BPD should be validated and if they don’t have BPD then they shouldn’t be validated at all. It was terrible. Everyone should feel validated even if they don’t have BPD. Being validated means so much to someone that is struggling with depression or any other type of mental illness. I had to leave before I said something I would regret. It was getting me feeling like I shouldn’t be validated because I don’t have BPD. And that is a suicidal trigger for me.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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