Still Shitty, but a different kind

Still shitty, but a different kind

I must have sneezed a thousand times today. It’s official, I have a stupid cold to start off the new year. I don’t know how it happened as I have been really careful, washing my hands after going out and stuff. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a chest cold because I hate that more than sneezing my head off and not being able to breathe through my nose. I feel weak at times. I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluid but I will be making a cup of tea shortly. I like drinking hot tea when I am sick. I usually just drink chamomile and honey.

For the past hour, I have been experiencing spasms in my foot. It’s causing my foot to jerk upward and it is very painful. Then I got zaps in my toes that made me jump and swear. Ativan and pain meds seem to be helping. My ankle is really hurting from the spasms as all the muscles in that area tightened up on me. I hate when that happens. It’s always my left, never my right. But then, all the nerve damage has been in my left leg.

I woke up early despite going to bed late. I was going to make breakfast but I think the thought of cooking made me sleepy so I went back to sleep. I woke up from my nap after having a strange dream. I was in my old house that I grew up in and my father was giving me a travel kit of toothbrushes and toothpaste. It was weird as it had the Starbucks logo on the little cup they provided. In the dream, I wanted chocolate or was eating chocolate, I couldn’t tell. It was just a strange dream.

I watched the OSU game today. They beat Notre Dame. It was a blow out in the first half and then they really beat them in the second half. I was sorely disappointed that the main defender Bosa got ejected for targeting. It was a dumb thing to do especially in the first quarter. He apologized afterwards. Zeke scored 4 TDs and his last one he gave the Bosa shrug. It was awesome.

I feel pretty shitty physically. The spasms wore me out and this cold is kicking my butt. Mentally, I am still feeling out of sorts. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things but I just ignore them. They want me to take a bottle of pills but I am not going to do it. I guess that is my fault they are active because I didn’t take my meds for two days. Last night they wanted me to take all my meds; I did, just one of each or two depending on what pills they were. Resisting their insistence is very tiring. I hope they go away soon. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because of them. I know they have surfaced because of the stress I have been under with the MRI and because my therapist and pdoc have been on vacation. They will be back in the office next week so I just have to hold on till Monday. I will tell my therapist about the voices but I am hesitant to tell my pdoc because I am afraid she will put me in the hospital. It’s always a slippery slope with her. I sometimes feel like I can tell her anything and everything and then there are things that I feel I should keep from her, to protect her. Or maybe to protect myself. I don’t know. I have known this doc most of my life and yet she still scares me sometimes. I guess I don’t want to worry her with my stuff.

My therapist is different. I can tell her anything and all it will do is increase her anxiety so we don’t talk about anything else. Then she will talk psychobabble about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I don’t get to talk much when she is like this. She has her own ideas of how things are even if they aren’t that way. I just laugh, especially when she tells me to increase my medicine or to take a PRN. I won’t do it unless my pdoc says I should, which would mean having to tell her that I am hearing commanding voices. Being sick isn’t helping the voices because I am more vulnerable. I should just take Nyquil and be done with it. I will be knocked out. I wish the makers of Nyquil could just market doxylamine without the alcohol and Tylenol content. It’s a nice antihistamine that is very sedating on its own.

Other than football, I did do some reading. I am up to the chapter of Rape in Far From The Tree. It’s not about child rape but about women who had a child because of rape. I am still not looking forward to this chapter and might skip it. I never skip a chapter in a book so this will be the first time I ever did so. I just don’t want to be triggered or have images in my head of women getting raped. That is not why I bought the book.

Weatherman just tweeted the forecast for the week. Seems like tomorrow might be a better day for me to go out than Monday. Monday is supposed to be really cold. I guess if I am up to it, I could go to the Square and then go to Harvard to get my calendar. We’ll have to see how my ankle feels because right now it’s in a lot of pain and I am sure the spasms are going to cause some soreness.