Anniversaries of sorts

I have been up early and just took a shower after debating it all morning. I feel fresh and clean. I also don’t feel like a scrub. I have been going to the bathroom all morning so I needed to shower to feel like a human again. I don’t know why I went so much. I haven’t had any stimulants like coffee to make me go. I hope I don’t go anymore. The pain is unreal.

I’m listening to Linkin Park. I love their music. It really helps when I am in a sucky mood. I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how I am doing. I told her about the voices telling me to do stuff. I was expecting a response but haven’t gotten one yet. I know it’s the stress of the MRI that is making the voices act up. Once I pass this stress and find out that I am okay or not, the voices should simmer down. Least I hope they will.

I have a party to go to at 1400. I really just want to go back to sleep. I am not up to seeing family members and socializing. I don’t really have to get dressed as I just have to go to my sister’s apartment on the first floor. Maybe I will empty my recycle bin and make an appearance and then leave. I am glad my father is not going to be there. One less stress to deal with. I came from my sister’s, who asked me to throw something in the recycle bin. I just had my slippers on and it was very wet on the porch as it’s a stormy, rainy day. I guess I will wait to empty my bin for another day. My slippers were almost soaked and are now drying on a radiator.

Today is my therapist and I’s anniversary. We have been together 15 years. I will definitely bring it up when we have our session Tuesday. I can’t believe that we have been together so long. We have been through some very difficult times, numerous suicidal episodes, and a few joyous moments. She always believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. She still does. I trust her more than anyone in the world, aside from my psychiatrist.

Course, with this anniversary means that next month will mark the 15th anniversary of me getting CES for the first time. I hope I don’t have it for the third time in my life. I really won’t be able to deal with it. It’s just traumatizing to go through the surgery, stay in the hospital, and then go through rehab. I just won’t be able to take it another time. The 2nd time I got it, I was numb to it. I was so distanced from it that I had a delusional/dissociative episode while in the hospital. I wasn’t emptying my bladder so while they were catheterizing me, I was completely out of it before passing out. I really don’t want to go through this a third time, especially if this means a fusion. I will be cooped up in the house if we get bad snow storms. That will just hinder my progress.

I am so scared of the results of my MRI that I will be having tomorrow. I have been drinking a lot of fluid today and will continue to drink until I have my scan. I think the drinking has helped my cold as I don’t feel as congested.

My thigh is hurting me. I really don’t want to do anything today. I am glad I don’t have to go out as it’s just gross out. But I rather have rain than snow any day.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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