Saturday Blog 45

I emailed my psychiatrist the blog I wrote last night before bed. I haven’t heard anything so either she hasn’t read it or is not concerned. I had weird dreams last night. I also woke up around 0330 in pain. That was so much fun. Luckily I was able to get back to sleep but I feel really groggy.

My hopelessness is still kicking around. I had emailed a friend about my current mental status and she wants me to stay on the medication. She also told me I am not useless like I feel I am. She is a good friend. We both get each other.

I am still in pain after I woke up about an hour ago. I really need to rest my ankle so I won’t be going to the hospital today. My sister can visit him if she needs to. I know she is stressing out too.

One of the weird dreams I had was of me being back in the hospital, except the hospital was my house that I grew up in. It was weird because I was in pain so decided to go to my room to get some pain meds. I decided to take three pills in the dream. I didn’t give a fuck because I was angry. In the same dream my sister pissed me off because she told me to “buck up”. I yelled at her and told her not to ever tell me that again.

My mother is making chicken cutlets tonight for dinner. We haven’t had cutlets in a long time so I am glad she is making them. I just hope I can eat a few. My appetite hasn’t been to great today. I wanted to make eggs this morning but I went back to sleep and didn’t wake up till 1400. I made a French bread pizza for lunch. I barely finished it. Now all I want to do is go back to sleep.

While I was waiting for the pizza to cook, I watched a little baseball. It was weird because we were playing to cardinals and both teams were wearing red jerseys. Right now, the sox have the lead. Hope they don’t blow it. They have lost their last 10 games in a row. Not a good feeling.

I feel really depressed and exhausted. My thoughts are still slow. Last night, talking to the voices was painful. I would start a sentence and then stop in the middle of it because I couldn’t get the words out. I hope the sertraline can do something for this symptom of depression because it is so annoying.

I got to wash my pants and sweatpants some time today. I will need clean clothes for next week as I know I will be traveling to the hospital and then to my father’s apartment when he gets out. They are my favorite clothes right now so I really need to wash them. I also need to shower. I never had a chance to shower last night like I wanted to because the pain in my ankle got so bad. I could barely stand to take my meds last night. I keep my night meds on my bureau because it helps me to stretch after sitting for so long on my bed. I wouldn’t want to keep them on my night stand because it’s too tempting not to get up.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Saturday Blog 45

  1. Xeno says:

    sounds like a normal dream, idk

    i knew someone who was on sertraline. wishing you well…

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