turn for the worse

Turn for the worse

I’m feeling extremely low right now. I just read a blog by my favorite actor, Wil Wheaton. He wrote about his depression and I feel so bad about it. It really sucks that he suffers from it like I do. I worry that some day he might take his life during one of his lows.

I am feeling hopeless. I got thoughts swirling around my brain about death and dying. I wish I never flipped through the book and found that stupid lethal dose table. I can’t get the thoughts of overdosing out of my head and now I have a handbook on exactly how much I should take based on my weight. It will take some calculations, but I can do it. I am so tired, just like Wil.

This has gone on for two months now. I don’t think I am ever going to feel any better. I know it’s too early to say whether the antidepressant is going to help me but I doubt it is going to work. I don’t know if I should bother taking it. I just feel so hopeless, like nothing is ever going to feel right again.

The heaviness is back in my chest again. It’s like this huge weight that presses upon me, making it hard to take air in and out. It lingers and stays put, never moving or altering it’s position. It’s just there. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate everything. Nothing brings me joy or pleasure. Food shopping is probably the only thing that I find fun. I order all this stuff and then go back over it when I am not hungry and take things off it. I ordered ribs at $17 a rack. But it’s been so long since I have had them, it might stay on my order.

I have such a strange relationship with food these days. I will either not eat anything or I will eat just small things all day and be bloated. I will crave a certain food but then when it’s cooked up, I can’t eat all of it. Even if it’s a sandwich, I will eat half and then be full. My therapist thinks my stomach has shrunk because I haven’t been eating regularly. But then, I need to lose weight so I don’t mind the give and take go round. I just wish it could be on a steady keel. Like eating small meals every day and not getting the hungry horrors any day. It really sucks.

The fatigue from the depression is the worse. I feel like I could sleep for days but I hardly sleep. Then I will have a day or two where all I do is sleep. I sometimes don’t sleep at night but I will sleep during the day. If I didn’t have to see my father today, I know I would have been in bed all day. I am just so exhausted and I haven’t done anything to warrant it. But then, being in chronic pain doesn’t help. It also sucks the energy right out of you.

I just don’t want to be anymore. I still wonder what it will be like to take my BP medication, all of it and see if it causes an event. I don’t know if it will kill me. Might make me sick and that is what keeps me from doing it. I have tried not to think about these things but being really depressed makes you think of these things. I just want an escape. I am feeling trapped, emotionally, like I am in a prison and there is no way I can break out. My heart hurts so bad. Yet it continues to beat like nothing is going on. My autonomic nervous system doesn’t know that I am dead inside.

I should kill myself. Maybe I should plan another date.

8 thoughts on “turn for the worse

  1. I wish WP had better tools for getting rid of trolls and stalkers. I unfortunately had a jilted would-be something or other-he hacked into my email and had everything copied to him. I haven’t seen him in 15 years but there are people far more nuts than I am, I can tell you that. And I know he was lurking on my blog. I wish we had some kind of control over who follows us. Anyone can just click “follow.”

  2. Do you know how to block a commenter on WP? You can send their IP automatically to the trash. I had one troll who used the computers in the library, I had to keep blocking IP addresses till I had all of them from a pretty good sized library! Unfortunately you can’t keep them from reading.

  3. i know what it’s like to feel pain with each heartbeat. believe me, i know.

    i wonder what your diet consists of, and your weekly routine (if you have any). please share, if it’s not an issue. or you can e-mail me, y’know. take care.

  4. I ordered some on my grocery order. My niece ate one of the ones I had. I don’t know why I am so down, well I do and don’t know, if you know what I mean. Plus one blogger is making my life hell by continuing to comment and call me names. I should be better than that but I am too depressed to fight it and believe what she said.

  5. Oh I’m sorry you’re so depressed….it’s such torture. The rock sitting on your chest, the pointlessness of everything…one reason I have a service dog is that it forces me to get up and take care of her needs. Otherwise I would just sit there until I starved to death. That almost happened once. This experience has totally ruined my faith. I have to stop now or I’ll go on a rant about depression…take good care of yourself. How about ice cream 🍦? That doesn’t break my depression, but for some reason ice cream always tastes good…

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