Post 1755

Post 1755

Before I left for the hospital, one of my lights blew out. I decided to change both bulbs at the same time so that I could gauge when they needed to be changed next. I didn’t realize how bright two 60 watt green lights would be. They are the ones that are energy efficient so not your typical 60 watt bulbs. I sometimes have to change to my single lamp as the brightness is overwhelming.

I had therapy today. We got caught up with the hospital and where I was. I talked about how triggering the essay I am writing is. I am not sure I will type it up today. I am kind of in a somewhat okay mood and don’t want to feel sad by reading or remembering what happened. I told her about the fall I took yesterday as I am sore today. My left thigh and right knee hurt. I think I might have sprained my right foot but it’s not bothering me like it did last night. I really took a dinger from that step. There should have been a warning there was a step. Usually they paint the step so you have some warning. Nope. Unreal. I am just glad I didn’t break anything or hurt myself. I would have been at the bottom of a stairwell where no one would have seen me.

We talked for a half hour into session and then I thought time was up. I didn’t realize we still had like twenty minutes left. We talked about the grief a little bit and about how I don’t have happy memories of my father. It wasn’t like he made an effort to be a part of my life and I didn’t make an effort to be a part of his. I don’t know who lost more. My therapist said that I will always grieve the loss of a dad that I never had. I think that is why I haven’t cried a good cry since he died. I kind of wish he wanted to buried in the ground just so there would be some closure and maybe some visitation. But all we have are ashes. It’s not the same thing.

I wrote to a friend that I think the increase in sertraline is helping with my depression as I am eating better and have interest in baseball again. Past few days, I have been watching or keeping tabs more with the Sox. I don’t think I told my therapist this. I still am in awe that I watched a complete game (entire 9 innings) this weekend. I also watched 11 innings the following day. Sox won both games. I missed Don and Jerry very much. Jerry was there but the new guy, Dave, doesn’t have the chemistry, yet. I am used to Dave being on the radio. I haven’t listened to the radio since the end of last season. They have a new guy announcing the play by play. I think his name is either Tim or Jim Neverett. I am just glad Joe Castig is still announcing on the radio. I like him.

I am glad I was able to take what I normally take in the morning rather than what the hospital was giving me. I was still sleepy because I woke up at 0500. I had to pee. It took a little while to get back to sleep and then I was done for. I tried taking a nap around 1130 and then panicked thinking I overslept for my appointment with my therapist. I didn’t. I am glad I am waking around 0500 rather than 0300. Those two hours of sleep mean so much. I also went to bed later than I did when I was in the hospital. While I was in, I went to bed before 2300 most nights. It was rare for me to be awake past that hour, even if I took an evening nap. Unlike when I take an evening nap at home, I am up till 0200.

Just came up the stairs from my sister’s apt and my thigh is thanking me severely. On my bad foot, I didn’t realize I stepped on some paint chips. They were stuck to my foot where I can’t feel. I am glad I checked my feet for debris before putting them in my bed. I am just going to rest for the evening as much as possible. Stair climbing and descending hurts too much. I must have really pulled a muscle when I tripped over that step. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow so I can lay low. I should have laid low today but I wanted a mocha so bad. I was feening for Starbucks after a week of not having their coffee or lattes.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Post 1755

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    glad your home. that fall sounds nasty. glad you can rest today. xxx

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