A Beautiful Mind

A Beautiful Mind

I watched this movie tonight because one of the actors also played in Stargate SG1. It has been a while since I last saw it and it is such a good movie. I could relate a lot to what the main character was going through because I have had to deal with delusions and medications and hospitalizations. I knew when I was 16 that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. It’s not always easy to take them and I have stopped them for a while only to be back on them.

Ten years ago I was in a horrible, deep, severe depression. I had stopped my meds which only made things worse. My psychiatrist asked me to do her a “favor” and it was to go back on my meds. Within a few weeks, I was feeling remarkably different. I wasn’t 100% better, but I felt like I could face the world again. I knew then that I couldn’t stop my meds ever again and I have been taking them consistently, for the most part. There have been nights where I don’t take them but they are far and in between.

I am glad that the increase in the sertraline has helped my mood and physical symptoms of depression. My appetite, I think, is back to normal. I will be placing an order for groceries next week. I ordered burgers and avocados. I am planning on making my favorite burger from my favorite burger joint. The only thing missing is the onion rings, but I can make do without. I am actually looking forward to making something to eat where before it was a chore and I had absolutely no interest at all. I should have gone up on the sertraline sooner but I like being cautious. I really didn’t want to get sick off the meds so I did the increase slowly. I just hope that I can stay at the dose for a while and it doesn’t make me sick.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I hope that I don’t stress her out because I need two prescriptions, one of which I need a hard copy because it is a controlled substance. I am not sure she has figure out how to print off scripts with the new system. I am hoping she has. I don’t know why they had to change systems across Partners institutions. No one likes this new system, but they are stuck with it, unfortunately.

I am fighting sleep. I really want Morpheus to knock me out and come take me away but he is missing. I wasn’t planning on staying up this late but I just can’t seem to relax enough to lie down. I read what I wrote in my last blog as someone left a comment that has me perplexed. I approved it because it wasn’t bad or anything of the sort. But after I read my blog, I understood the comment a little better. I didn’t realize my last paragraph had such a powerful ending. It started the movie playing again, and I don’t mean “A Beautiful Mind”. I just really can’t stop thinking about my father’s death sometimes and once it’s on my brain, I can’t get it out. I have tried distraction but that hasn’t been working too well for me lately. Music has helped. But it’s late and I don’t want to activate my brain with lyrics. I really need some classical music or something soothing to listen to that doesn’t have words that I can analyze to death. I know I should write down the “movie” in my notepad so I can finish it but not at this hour. I am too tired to get triggered by memories of that day. I know it’s there anyways but I don’t want to revisit it right now.

I bought a shirt a month ago and I just recently received it. It was in support of Michael Dorn, the actor that played Worf in the Next Gen series of Star Trek. I thought I ordered an XL. I got a 4XL that is swimming on me. I had no idea it was so huge. I like it though because it is very comfortable. Maybe it will shrink if I wash it a few times.

Well, I think the pain meds have finally kicked in from more than an hour ago. Morpheus, if you’re out there, please come find me!