A Beautiful Mind

A Beautiful Mind

I watched this movie tonight because one of the actors also played in Stargate SG1. It has been a while since I last saw it and it is such a good movie. I could relate a lot to what the main character was going through because I have had to deal with delusions and medications and hospitalizations. I knew when I was 16 that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life. It’s not always easy to take them and I have stopped them for a while only to be back on them.

Ten years ago I was in a horrible, deep, severe depression. I had stopped my meds which only made things worse. My psychiatrist asked me to do her a “favor” and it was to go back on my meds. Within a few weeks, I was feeling remarkably different. I wasn’t 100% better, but I felt like I could face the world again. I knew then that I couldn’t stop my meds ever again and I have been taking them consistently, for the most part. There have been nights where I don’t take them but they are far and in between.

I am glad that the increase in the sertraline has helped my mood and physical symptoms of depression. My appetite, I think, is back to normal. I will be placing an order for groceries next week. I ordered burgers and avocados. I am planning on making my favorite burger from my favorite burger joint. The only thing missing is the onion rings, but I can make do without. I am actually looking forward to making something to eat where before it was a chore and I had absolutely no interest at all. I should have gone up on the sertraline sooner but I like being cautious. I really didn’t want to get sick off the meds so I did the increase slowly. I just hope that I can stay at the dose for a while and it doesn’t make me sick.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I hope that I don’t stress her out because I need two prescriptions, one of which I need a hard copy because it is a controlled substance. I am not sure she has figure out how to print off scripts with the new system. I am hoping she has. I don’t know why they had to change systems across Partners institutions. No one likes this new system, but they are stuck with it, unfortunately.

I am fighting sleep. I really want Morpheus to knock me out and come take me away but he is missing. I wasn’t planning on staying up this late but I just can’t seem to relax enough to lie down. I read what I wrote in my last blog as someone left a comment that has me perplexed. I approved it because it wasn’t bad or anything of the sort. But after I read my blog, I understood the comment a little better. I didn’t realize my last paragraph had such a powerful ending. It started the movie playing again, and I don’t mean “A Beautiful Mind”. I just really can’t stop thinking about my father’s death sometimes and once it’s on my brain, I can’t get it out. I have tried distraction but that hasn’t been working too well for me lately. Music has helped. But it’s late and I don’t want to activate my brain with lyrics. I really need some classical music or something soothing to listen to that doesn’t have words that I can analyze to death. I know I should write down the “movie” in my notepad so I can finish it but not at this hour. I am too tired to get triggered by memories of that day. I know it’s there anyways but I don’t want to revisit it right now.

I bought a shirt a month ago and I just recently received it. It was in support of Michael Dorn, the actor that played Worf in the Next Gen series of Star Trek. I thought I ordered an XL. I got a 4XL that is swimming on me. I had no idea it was so huge. I like it though because it is very comfortable. Maybe it will shrink if I wash it a few times.

Well, I think the pain meds have finally kicked in from more than an hour ago. Morpheus, if you’re out there, please come find me!



People often hit plateaus in varies areas of life. Whether it be losing the last 5 pounds in weight loss, running, or just writing.

Besides these things, there are those that are more personal. You might hit a plateau in a relationship, in therapy, or medication wise. That is where I am at now. I have a plateau with my meds.

At first I started feeling better. Always a good sign when you are feeling crappy. But lately I feel that even though I can go up on my medication, I feel that it would probably do no good. I have reached the point in a short period of time and I feel frustrated about it. I feel like here we go again with yet another med. But unlike other meds, this med is keeping me stable despite making me feel 100% better. It is maybe making me feel 85% better and that is a lot considering all that I go through mentally. Oh, just to let you know I am talking about psychiatric medication and not something else.

I have hit these plateaus with many drugs. Usually when I do, I start slipping within a month. But with this drug I am not feeling that way. I feel ok but not ok in the sense of euphoria. Just and overall feeling of contentment. But given the circumstances of the moment, I am convinced I am suicidal but it is not because of the meds. It is because of other factors that cannot be explained. It is because I have a nerve condition I cannot tolerate. I have mental illness and it drives me batty. But not as bad as my nerve condition get me. I just want to die and no one can see that. No one can see how much I hurt. But I go along with the charade of feeling fine and happy because I don’t want to worry friends and family. I can’t tell them I have a broken heart and that I am dying of humility and loss of dignity. That is what I go through on a daily basis. And right now this is at its peak despite the meds making me feel better and be on a plateau. This is what the face of being suicidal is like. Everything seems normal to the other person but inside you are dying. Wanting to make them see that you are not ok. But you are the winning actor in the play and cannot show emotion. And so that is what the play is about. Feeling high on the mountain but feeling also like you are dirt.