Dang it!

Dang it!

I was looking over my stats and found out that I missed a day of blogging. I ruined my consecutive days in a row stats. I had almost a year that I have been blogging consistently. I am so mad at myself. I remember the day, too. It was the day that I had to leave the house early to have my appointment with my therapist and then go south of Boston to meet up with some friends. I should have blogged on my phone while I was waiting for the train. Dammit!

I am having a hard time trying to fall asleep. The game is going on so that makes it harder because I want to know what is going on. Right now they are losing. Last night they won in extra innings. There is no game today as they are off. I hate off days. It’s so boring.

I am also in pain, which is another reason why I am up. I keep going downstairs to get some Oreos. They are like potato chips to me. I can’t eat just one. I am hungry as it’s been a few hours since I last ate but it’s almost 0100 and I don’t want to eat this late. I have been craving a salami and cheese sandwich with mustard. I love mustard. Boar’s Head came out with this honey Dijon mustard that is so darn good. I love to put it on my sandwiches and hamburgers. It’s sweet and tangy.

I got the okay from my therapist to contact the grief counselor at the hospice center. I think I need extra support to deal with the loss of my father. I don’t know what else to do. I feel like I am going crazy and the PTSD symptoms are not helping. I know that my therapist can deal with the PTSD but the grief is just too powerful for us to handle. I don’t think my therapist knows how to handle it because it’s been weeks now and I still am feeling wicked sad. I know it’s not her fault I am sad but I just feel like, I don’t know, she just doesn’t get it but she kind of does? And I hate that she keeps saying it’s a “traumatic loss”. I don’t see it that way. Sure I have never seen someone die before but this isn’t a stranger we are talking about. It’s my father. Someone who I once loved dearly but through his own actions made me question that love all the time.

I don’t know how to approach this counselor. And I am not sure how she gets paid. I forgot to ask her or if I did, I forgot the answer. I still need to write a thank you to the hospice nurse. She did go out of her way that day to help us and she should be commended for it, especially as we were outside her area of coverage. She could have referred us to another hospice center but she decided to stay with us, even though it was only a mere 5 days.

I am also nervous about the doctor’s appointment I have later this afternoon. I hope I get some sleep soon or I am not going to be at my best. I will need at least two cups of coffee to stay awake. Maybe I will get a venti coffee so it will be like having two cups of coffee. I just haven’t decided if I am going to read or to write while at Starbucks. It all depends on what kind of mood I will be in. I think I will take my journal with me just in case I want to write. The book I am reading is a psychology 101 book. It’s the updated version of the one I had many years ago when I first went to college for my degree. I got my Associate’s degree in medical assisting.

I also need to call the dentist and make an appointment for a cleaning. I am way overdue for one as it’s been almost or more than two years since my last visit. I hate the dentist because I can’t stand the scraping of my teeth. I know that if I go regularly it wouldn’t be so bad but I hate going. It always makes me nervous and I have to take an Ativan to calm down. It is within walking distance to my house so I don’t have to worry about driving or being driven there. I haven’t been having problems with my teeth but I am paying for dental insurance so I might as well use it while I have it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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