I had therapy today and it went okay. We didn’t talk about anything we didn’t talk about yesterday. She wanted to know more about my “Purpose” blog, but I changed the subject. I have a knack of throwing her off a subject and only if it’s really pressing to her does she come back to it. She is concerned about my REM sleep as it happens very quickly. I don’t know why I can go to REM within about 35 minutes of sleep but I do. Today, for example, I took a nap at around 1110. By 1140 when I woke up, I had a dream. I don’t remember what the dream was about now but it was again, weird. I kind of wanted to tell her about my dreaming about my father but held back. I will one day, if it become more troublesome. Right now I am ignoring him in my dreams so it’s not like I am doing something or he is.
While I was at Starbucks, I was listening to a Rascal Flatts song about a father that had been estranged from his daughter for like 30 years. He then calls her when he is dying and then they both “forget the past”. It set off flashbacks to the last four days of my father’s life. He just deteriorated that quickly. His breathing had changed Friday and he was dead on Monday. Images kept flooding my brain, mostly of how he looked and had, in his last day, a glassy appearance to his eyes. I’ll never forget the look or the sounds he was making.
I texted my therapist that I was having flashbacks and if it would be okay with her to talk to the grief counselor. I think if I see the counselor, it will free up more time for other things to talk about in therapy. I just feel like all we do in therapy lately is just talk about my father. I know he was a big part of my life and he is gone now but there are other things going on in my life, too. Like managing my time, self-care, and handling my illness. I am seeing an ankle surgeon tomorrow for the boney formation that is near my Achilles. It is kind of freaking me out because I think I will have to have surgery to remove it. I know I will have to have an MRI before anything is done. But I am just worried that the stress of surgery and what it will do to my “bad” ankle if I have to put weight on it because I don’t think I can bear weight on my “good” one. It’s going to be tricky. I will weigh the benefits and stuff. But I just don’t want to damage the Achilles further, if it is. X-ray doesn’t show soft tissues so I don’t know if this bony formation has. I know she isn’t a medical person but talking to her about this anxiety is what therapy is about.
I know talking about my father is important too. I just think talking to someone specific about grief might be helpful and let me deal with it more. It’s been almost two months and I still haven’t cried or grieved him. Days I don’t have therapy, I just space out. It’s affecting my writing because I am just so sad. I want the sadness to go away and I don’t know how.