I had my appointment with my psychiatrist today. I was really nervous about seeing her because of all the blogs I sent her about my death dates, feeling suicidal, etc. Then she tells me she has been so swamped she hasn’t read anything. Fuck, are you kidding me? I understood because I know she is a busy doctor and the new system isn’t making her professional life any easier. I was just disappointed because I had worried for nothing and now I don’t see her for a month. She didn’t get to read my “good” blog. I was really looking forward to seeing a smile on her face today because of that blog and it didn’t happen. Rotten luck. I guess she didn’t read my emails either because she didn’t say anything about CBT and I completely forgot to tell her about it. Speaking of which, I was hoping to hear back from the intake today about it and I haven’t. I guess I will sometime next week.

My ankle gave way while I was at Walgreens. As it is pumpkin season, I was hoping they would be selling cans of pumpkin but they didn’t. I really wanted to make my pumpkin cake this weekend. I will have to go to the grocery store tomorrow, if my ankle is cooperative. I told my doc today that I was in pain and now it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do anymore. It just flares up just because it can. I had to take a strong pain pill last night and I took one again when I came home. I am running low but it’s the weekend so there is nothing I can do about it. I have to wait till Monday to request it. I just hope my regular pain pills are enough. The idiot secretary didn’t book me for exactly 4 weeks out for my next pain management appointment so there are going to be some days where I might run out. I am trying to ration what I have so that is why I am taking the strong pain meds.

I went to Starbucks early today. I got a pumpkin scone and my espresso over ice. I don’t know why you have to order it that way and not say iced espresso. It’s the same thing. I wrote in my journal that is coming to an end. I think I have like 3 pages left. I was hoping to complete it today but it didn’t happen. So there are a few pages that are blank. I will start the new journal next week.

I have been feeling depressed since leaving my psych’s office. I guess I feel hurt that she didn’t read the stuff I sent her. I guess it’s both good and bad that she didn’t read it because she would have been worried and now she doesn’t have to be, least until she reads them. I texted my therapist about today. I told her that I wanted to die because of my ankle pain. It’s getting to the point where I am spending more days in the house than out of it, which is depressing me further. I just can’t seem to trust my ankle anymore for anything. I am going to get a brace and see if that helps. I got to do something or maybe go back to the AFO.

I just finished the last of my Oreo thins. Now I have no cookies until next week. I do have my molasses cookies so that is something but they are not the same as Oreos. My mother wants me to go to Walgreens tomorrow to get her eggs. We’ll see how that plays out with my ankle. I might not do anything tomorrow except rest. I can’t keep going pretending that I am okay to do stuff because my ankle gets so angry at me all the time. This has to be the third weekend in a row that I have been in severe pain. It’s messing with me and I am paying the price.

I saw my oldest niece as I was coming home from Walgreens. She seemed upset so I tried talking to her but she didn’t want to talk because she didn’t want to cry. I told her okay, we’ll talk later. I gave her a big hug and then walked home and she went on her way. I can only imagine how my death will affect her. It’s killing me thinking of her losing me. It reminds me of the quote by Kay Redfield Jamison, “Often only a sense of responsibility to other family members or concerns about the effects of suicide on their children keep some people alive who otherwise have a strong desire to [die by] suicide” (Night Falls Fast, p 93).


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