It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

It’s 0500 and I can’t sleep

I woke up about a half hour ago because I had to tinkle. Then I checked my messages on my phone. I have been following in which the writer wrote, intensely, about her therapy experiences. I haven’t heard from her in a while so just figured she go busy in the “real world”. Turns out, she has decided she isn’t going to blog anymore so she has a more “real” connection to her therapist and her friends. That is fine, if it works for her but I will miss reading about her therapy struggles and experiences.

It got me thinking about my blog. I have written consistently every day for the past year. Some times I write two blogs a day, sometimes more, depending on my mood and my pain levels. I need this blog because it helps for me to write. Sure I can journal my experiences but I know there are people who suffer from my condition and I know it helps them feel less alone by reading my blog.

I know that if I was working, I probably wouldn’t be blogging so much. I probably wouldn’t have time for it as I would be so exhausted I wouldn’t be able to write. But I feel connected to the blog world because I write every day. I might not get comments from different people but when I do, I enjoy them. It makes me feel like I have a purpose with my writing, that I do connect with people. I check my stats and know that people from around the world read my blog nearly every day. I like that.

It’s raining out. I hope it stops later because I really want to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication. I won’t have enough for the week to put it in my weekly pill box. It’s one of the things that I need to do today is fill that box up. I have gotten quicker at filling it so it’s not a hassle anymore. I think when I am tired it’s more of a hassle. But it’s got to be done because I need to take my meds for the week.

After I came back to my room from the bathroom, my foot started acting up. Now it’s really acting up. I hate when it gradually works it way up to a crescendo in such a short period of time. It drives me crazy because it take a while for the pain meds to work and in the mean time, I am in agony. I hope the pain meds get me back to sleep.

I was wrong about the Nebraska and Ohio State game being a nail biter. It was more of a blow out. OSU won 62-3. The Nebraska quarterback got hurt. His head hit the grass like a basketball and was knocked out briefly. I doubt he is going to play next week. I bet he has a concussion. I feel bad for him because he was a good quarterback. And it was obvious by the score his backup didn’t play so good.

I don’t know if the Pats are playing today. I have to check the schedule. I should download it on to my phone but there are only 6 games left in the season so I am not sure it’s worth it. I haven’t really watched any games all season from beginning to end, just catching a quarter here or there. Football doesn’t interest me as much as baseball does. I only watch it because it’s a sport that I like watching after baseball season. Only thing that sucks about football is that it’s played once a week. The media builds the hype around the games and then it either lives up to it or not. Drives me crazy.

Think I am going to try and go back to sleep. Thanks for keeping me company.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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