just a blog about nothing important

Just a blog about nothing important

I’ve been sleeping for most of the day. Only time I have left my room was to use the bathroom. I haven’t eaten anything but a protein bar and I think that is all I am going to eat today. I just got no appetite. I am in pain so I took some pain meds. I ended up taking my trilafon late because I didn’t wake up till after 1500. I don’t care, as long as I take it, that is all that matters.

I keep having heavy thoughts. I see my psychiatrist in two days. I haven’t emailed or spoken to her since last weekend. I wanted to share my blog with her that I wrote last night but it was password protected and I didn’t want to bother her with that. I could have just pasted the blog in an email but I didn’t feel like doing that either. I just feel like I am in a rut that is going downhill and I can’t seem to stop it.

My mother is playing her idiotic dice game that is aggravating the shit out of me right now. Nothing like hard dice hitting a glass table top. The sound is annoying. Wish she would just go to the living room and watch her TV shows. She had called me asking what I wanted for dinner and I told her I would make the hot dogs that I didn’t make last night. I might make them later if I feel like it. I really don’t want to leave my bed right now.

I keep thinking about what I plan on doing next week. A lot needs to be done. I just hope I don’t chicken out. That will really suck. I guess a lot depends on how my appointment goes with my psychiatrist this week. I talk with my therapist next week but it will be our last session. I have decided to end things with her because she is in no position to do so. She wants to have at least three sessions to terminate and I don’t see the point of that. I miss seeing someone weekly but I don’t want to be in therapy. It sucks not talking to someone every week, other than my psychiatrist. I wish my psych could be my therapist. Then I will have it made. But she doesn’t do therapy.

I am fretting over my decision that I have made in the coming week. It is not a sure method and I have my doubts that it will work. I am scared though. I would go into detail about it but I think I will just write in my journal my fears. I have been meaning to write in my journal every day since the start of the year but that hasn’t worked out too well. I have skipped a day here and there or sometimes more than that. Doesn’t matter. I have my blogs that I have written every day, sometimes a few times a day.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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