flipping tired

Flipping tired

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 5 and decided to make pancakes. They came out really good. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it caused intense pain. I had to take a strong pain pill, which made me dopey. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours and then I was up. I wasn’t feeling good but I wanted to venture out. I caught the next bus to the Square to have my espresso.

As I was full of pancakes, I just had a snack at Starbucks with my espresso. I wrote in my journal and then I started to get dizzy. I couldn’t remember if I had taken my regular pain meds and I took them at Starbucks as I think I was going through withdrawal. Within a half hour I was feeling better but really tired. I got my coffee for home and then went to CVS to get some overpriced cereal. I then waited for the bus and came home.

It took me a little while to settle down but I finally was able to nap before dinner. My mother wanted me to make spinach but I never did. I rested and did sleep a little before my mother called me to say dinner was ready. I’m still feeling tired and feel like I can nap again but it’s getting late and if I do, I might not sleep tonight, which would be bad. Last night I took my meds early so I could sleep and tonight I think I am going to do the same. I have found that if I take my meds early, I am usually asleep before midnight.

The therapist that I called yesterday has not called me back. I don’t think he is going to. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow morning, I will move to the next name on my list. I mostly picked males from the website for therapists because I want to try something different. Most of the therapist that I have seen have been female. I only had one male. We’ll see how this goes. I might have to see a female, if I can’t find a male. Right now I am just getting frustrated because no one is calling me back.

Ankle is really hurting so I might have to take the strong pain pill again, which means my sleep will be fucked up again. I don’t know why it messes with my sleep. Pain meds usually make you sleepy so I don’t understand why this med causes you to have sleep interruptions. It is so frustrating. I seriously just want to die rather than deal with this bullshit. I am so sick of being in pain every single day, at all hours, whenever it feels like flaring up. I can be active or non active and I will still hurt. It makes no sense whatsoever. And the type of pain I feel varies. It’s never the same in the different parts of my ankle, foot, and toes. I was trying to describe it to my psychiatrist as she was interested and I had to tell her it was sometimes physical pain, sometimes nerve pain, sometimes I just hurt and can’t describe it beyond that. Depending on the type of pain determines what kind of medication I take to relieve it. Unfortunately, it takes time for the medication to work, which further frustrates me because I want relief now. That is why sometimes I become so suicidal in those moments because I have to wait for the pills to work and I just don’t want to wait.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to flipping tired

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    thinking of you my friend. I know its difficult. pain sucks. sending all the love and support to you. xxx

  2. Mari says:

    http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4414077
    I am having a hard time with loss right now and read this. I thought of you and what you say about those who say you need to get over things. I felt like this could easily replace the word grief with depression or pain. In fact you could even have grief over the illnesses or the loss of life as you know it. Regardless I thought this spoke to what you often write about. We all have to journey through our trials in our own way and time. Thinking of you often!

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s