I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 5 and decided to make pancakes. They came out really good. I then fell back to sleep. When I woke up, I moved my ankle the wrong way and it caused intense pain. I had to take a strong pain pill, which made me dopey. I fell back to sleep for a couple of hours and then I was up. I wasn’t feeling good but I wanted to venture out. I caught the next bus to the Square to have my espresso.
As I was full of pancakes, I just had a snack at Starbucks with my espresso. I wrote in my journal and then I started to get dizzy. I couldn’t remember if I had taken my regular pain meds and I took them at Starbucks as I think I was going through withdrawal. Within a half hour I was feeling better but really tired. I got my coffee for home and then went to CVS to get some overpriced cereal. I then waited for the bus and came home.
It took me a little while to settle down but I finally was able to nap before dinner. My mother wanted me to make spinach but I never did. I rested and did sleep a little before my mother called me to say dinner was ready. I’m still feeling tired and feel like I can nap again but it’s getting late and if I do, I might not sleep tonight, which would be bad. Last night I took my meds early so I could sleep and tonight I think I am going to do the same. I have found that if I take my meds early, I am usually asleep before midnight.
The therapist that I called yesterday has not called me back. I don’t think he is going to. If I don’t hear from him by tomorrow morning, I will move to the next name on my list. I mostly picked males from the website for therapists because I want to try something different. Most of the therapist that I have seen have been female. I only had one male. We’ll see how this goes. I might have to see a female, if I can’t find a male. Right now I am just getting frustrated because no one is calling me back.
Ankle is really hurting so I might have to take the strong pain pill again, which means my sleep will be fucked up again. I don’t know why it messes with my sleep. Pain meds usually make you sleepy so I don’t understand why this med causes you to have sleep interruptions. It is so frustrating. I seriously just want to die rather than deal with this bullshit. I am so sick of being in pain every single day, at all hours, whenever it feels like flaring up. I can be active or non active and I will still hurt. It makes no sense whatsoever. And the type of pain I feel varies. It’s never the same in the different parts of my ankle, foot, and toes. I was trying to describe it to my psychiatrist as she was interested and I had to tell her it was sometimes physical pain, sometimes nerve pain, sometimes I just hurt and can’t describe it beyond that. Depending on the type of pain determines what kind of medication I take to relieve it. Unfortunately, it takes time for the medication to work, which further frustrates me because I want relief now. That is why sometimes I become so suicidal in those moments because I have to wait for the pills to work and I just don’t want to wait.