in search of pancakes

In search of pancakes

I woke up at 0300 wanting pancakes. As I walked down to the kitchen, I wasn’t feeling up to it. I made a bowl of cereal instead. I was still under the influence of pain meds and neurontin. After I had my cereal, I went back to bed. I slept until 7, then 9, and I finally got up around 11. I had a headache and felt hungover. I needed coffee. I thought about going to Starbucks but I couldn’t see myself getting dressed and going out. I wasn’t feeling that great.

I made coffee and still wanted pancakes. I never made them. I figure I could talk to my mother about making them for supper. But then I saw chicken on the counter so I knew pancakes were not going to be made. I took my coffee up to my room and then played on my laptop, reading Facebook and Twitter. I wanted to take a nap but dinner will be done soon.

My pain came back when I came back to my room. It was nice to have at least two hours being pain free. It’s not horrible pain. Just enough to tell me I have an ankle and foot. I had emailed my psychiatrist as I got wicked upset last night. The pain was out of control and I decided to double my dose of the strong pain pill to get relief. I didn’t care that it was going to interfere with my sleep. I just wanted relief. And it did interfere with my sleep as I was up every two fricken hours.

I called one of the three therapists today. I couldn’t call all three as I just wasn’t up for it. My former therapist texted me back about the billing issue. She said there was some paperwork that I needed to fill out. I told her I never got the paperwork so she is going to mail it to me. I don’t understand why I have to fill out this paperwork as when I first got Medicare they were processing her claims okay. I don’t know what happened after that as I never got another statement from Medicare about the claims they were billing. I didn’t think much about it until now. I just know I am not paying her anything until this gets straightened out.

I am really exhausted and I haven’t done anything today except make coffee. I haven’t eaten anything. I just plan on stuffing myself with chicken cutlets for my one meal today. I am kind of sad I never went to Starbucks because I just lost my stars reward. I am sure there will be other chances to get rewards. Tomorrow I think I am going to get a roast beef sandwich at Kelly’s or maybe a cheeseburger at Five Guys. I will decide when I get there which restaurant to go to. Course it all depends on my pain level because it’s a walk to get there. The weather is supposed to be warmer than today so we’ll see. I haven’t had Five Guys in a long time. I used to go there all the time when I had a car. I miss having a car, sometimes. I don’t miss driving in traffic that is for sure! I still have my Zipcar account but haven’t really used it at all in the last few months. I should reserve a car for a couple of hours just to drive around town and shop or something. I need to get Sox PJs as the ones I have are wearing thin. I can’t find them online. I need to go to Target or Walmart to get them. I miss shopping but it tires me out. Much easier to shop online.

Hope tomorrow I am up for making pancakes. I am so craving them.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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