this is the pain that never ends…

This is the pain that never ends…

I have been in pain all damn day. My tolerance for it is slowly diminishing. I haven’t been too active today but it doesn’t care. I did manage to take a shower, which my back didn’t like. It kept on cramping on me. I am ready to call UNCLE and take my strong pain pill. I take my meds in about 45 mins so I will decide then whether or not to take it. I just came up the stairs so my foot/ankle are angry with me.

I got the tail end of BPD chat on twitter. I met another transgender person so I followed him and he followed me back. He is also a writer, which is cool. I hope we can become friends. It would be nice to have another TG person to talk to about the issues we face.

I read a little more than a chapter in the Robert Lowell book. He has an interesting history dating back to the Mayflower. I love reading about people that have such detailed ancestors dating way back. I don’t know much about my lineage. And unfortunately, with my father gone, there is no way of knowing. I know I can go to like but it’s not the same when it’s handed down from generation to generation. There are a lot of cousins in Italy and France that I know of but they don’t know me and I don’t know them. It’s kind of sad. I don’t speak either language so that makes it harder to keep the lines of communication open.

I have been tired for most of the day. I have so far avoided taking a nap. It will be bed time soon so I can go to sleep then. I hope I can sleep. Pain is usually the number one reason to keep me up more than my thoughts. And the way my ankle and toes are feeling right now, I doubt I will be able to sleep. It’s a gnawing type of pain that goes right into my bones. And I just realized I haven’t done my med box for the week. SHIT! I totally forgot. I guess I will take them on the fly tonight and then fill it tomorrow. I can’t stand too long to fill the box. My ankle will kill me the way it’s hurting right now.

Other than calling three therapists tomorrow, I have no other plans. It’s supposed to be warmer so I might go to Starbucks to write. I have to get a frappucino to complete my stars reward. Tomorrow is the last day as I forgot to get one on Friday. I like the rewards because you get to get free stuff faster. I also need to get some coffee for the house. I got half a bag or less of Pike so need to get it before I run out. I love Pike coffee. I used to get their breakfast blend coffee but I think I am just going to stick with Pike as I am so used to it. When I don’t have it, I can tell right away that it’s different. I hope the spring brings in new flavors of their Reserve coffees. I haven’t seen one that I like yet. I got an email from Starbucks the other day that had notes of apricot. No thanks! I like apricot as a fruit, not in my coffee.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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