I surprisingly got more than six hours of sleep last night. I don’t remember what time I went to sleep but I know it was before midnight and I woke up around 9. I would have slept more but my bladder said no. I made coffee and breakfast and when I got back to my room, my foot was hurting. I didn’t take anything because it was just a mild annoyance. I drank my coffee, which isn’t the kind I like. I wanted to use up the bag because I don’t like it as much as I like Pike and my Casi Ceilo. I will toss the bag when I go down for lunch as I don’t think there is enough for another cup of coffee.
After I finished my coffee, I couldn’t decide to read or not. I was having a conversation with my voices. Then I just started to stare off into space. This is the second day of me doing this. It has me kind of worried because I did it a lot last year before and after my father’s death. I don’t know if it is just a preoccupation glance or what. But it’s troubling me. I might send an email to my psychiatrist asking if this is “normal”. I thought about paging her but it’s not an urgent thing.
Last night, I decided to look for therapists in my area. I found three, two social workers and a psychologist. I will call them tomorrow. If I have to lie about my suicidality, I will. I just don’t want to be denied, again, because of my suicidal tendencies. All of these therapists are in Harvard Square, which makes it convenient for me to get to them. My psychiatrist is also looking for a therapist for me but I have a feeling she is going to find someone that is not convenient for me to go to. If I had a car, it would be a different story. Even though I have access to a Zipcar, I don’t want to be dishing out money every week just for therapy, in addition to my copay. I hope one of the three therapists pans out.
In a few days, my anniversary of my journey into the mental health field is coming up. Last year I had a horrible time with flashbacks of the events that lead me to seeing a therapist. I hope that doesn’t happen this year, especially as I am not seeing anyone but my psych. I love my psych but she doesn’t really do therapy with me and I will just get frustrated with talking about flashbacks and not having any ways to cope with them. It’s really difficult dealing with PTSD because you can get flashbacks with the slightest mention of things that happened. Anniversary dates are really hard to deal with.
I don’t really have plans for the day. I wanted to go to Walgreens but I forgot what I wanted to buy so I won’t be going. It’s freezing and windy out anyways so I really don’t want to go out if I don’t have to. I do plan on reading my book. I never opened it last night to finish the chapter I was on. I am going to read after I have lunch, which will be the leftover Chinese food. I ordered from a new place and it was really good, though I didn’t get as much General Gao chicken as I get from other places. It was spicy too, which was nice. The other places were mild. I am definitely going to order from them again.