awful night of sleep

Awful night of sleep

I tried to go to bed at a decent hour last night but a family member was having trouble and needed to talk to someone. We were talking until the late hours and then I couldn’t sleep because I was worried about them. I spoke to them this morning and they made an appointment to see a doctor today. I am happy about this. Least the doc can try and figure out things and refer if need be to the right resources.

My foot wasn’t bothering me until I decided to go out. Figures. Walgreens had some tissues on sale last week and they said the stock would be in today. I went and there was an empty shelf and no stock anywhere to be seen. I bought some vitamin water as that was on sale. I like the pomergranate stuff. I am really bad on drinking water. Yesterday I realized the only thing I had to drink was the coffee I drank and some sips of my Powerade for my meds. I just don’t get thirsty and forget to drink. Plus if I drink too much, then I leak so it’s a catch 22.

After I left Walgreens, I thought about catching the bus to the Square to buy some burgers. I bought the rolls when I ordered my groceries but haven’t bought the meat yet. I totally forgot yesterday while I was waiting for the bus. I didn’t have the patience to wait because I didn’t have my headphones with me. I just came home.

I am starting to feel discouraged because no therapist has returned my phone call from yesterday. I know it’s still early in the day and they may call this afternoon but I am so tired of waiting. I don’t get why people put themselves out on websites if they aren’t taking new clients. They should at least say so on the site so people know not to call them. I am just in a bad mood today.

I took a senna last night and it was not a good idea. I had loose stool again today. Now I need to be careful when I fart. I feel like an idiot. I am glad I am going because I was backed up for a while so all that stool is now out of my system. Least I hope so. But the cramps are the worse. I won’t be taking the senna tonight.

My room got wicked hot last night. I slept mostly with the covers off me. When I did put the covers on, I sweated. It was either freeze or sweat. There was no in between. I wanted to open the window but it was raining so I didn’t want water to come in. Today is better so I might open it later. It’s a nicer day though it’s cloudy. I like cloudy days. They feel more comfortable to me than sunny days. My sister is going to California for a few days because she needs the sun and warm weather. She and my other sister are going to Italy in June to see my relatives. I won’t be going because I don’t have the money to go. My nephew was thinking of going but it was too expensive for him. I can’t wait for the pics. I hope the weather is good for them during that time.

I started reading Huckleberry Finn last night as I wanted to take a break from Robert Lowell. I read a few chapters. I think I will read more tonight. Now that I have my bed cleared off, I asked my brother in law to help me remove the foam topper for tomorrow’s trash day. I hope he has time to do it. I would like to change my sheets.

I made coffee when I got up but I haven’t had anything to eat yet. My mother is making chicken for supper. I might have the left over Chinese food that I ordered last night. I am getting hungry. I really want a burger. Tomorrow I am going to buy them and make them at home! I am determined to do this. Otherwise, the rolls are going to go bad and I wasted my money.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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