busted jeans and other news

Busted jeans and other news

I didn’t want to get up this morning, not at all. I felt like calling my psych and telling her to forget the appointment but I got up anyways. I went to Starbucks and had something to eat along with my mocha. Starbucks rewards has a promo going where I earn extra stars for buying mochas. No problem for me as it’s my favorite drink. I then tried reading a research article but my brain wasn’t in it. I was reading but not taking in the information.

I went into town to see my psych. I had to use the bathroom and my zipper busted on me. I couldn’t believe it because it was a new pair of jeans. I was so pissed. I had to make sure I covered myself pretty good with my sweater. Thank god it was long enough. When I came home, I called a tailor place down the street for me. They can fix it for $10. Beats buying a new pair of jeans. I will go there tomorrow and drop it off.

When I got back to the Square, I went to Chipotle. I wanted a burrito. My mother is making fish for supper but I didn’t want it. The burrito was good, though I got guacamole everywhere. I love guac.

My appointment went well. I told her of my ups and downs the past few weeks and also about the pain I have been in. I also told her about my urinary incontinence and she thinks me seeing a urologist is a good idea. She doesn’t know if they can help, other than putting me on another pill to take. I don’t know either. I know I can’t stop the regimen I am on because I need my meds. If I stop my antipsychotic, I will become psychotic. If I stop my pain meds, I will be in a lot of pain. Catch 22 and I don’t like it. I might just have to suck up getting boxer pads so I don’t have to worry about leaking so much. It’s nearly every day now. Sometimes I am aware of it and other times I am not until I go to the bathroom. I don’t feel myself go. Never have because my nerves don’t function properly. Just sucks. My psych said there are male depends so I will look into that rather than diapers. Diapers have been the only thing that I have seen so far. I will ask my support group where they get their incontinence stuff.

I took a shower without too much difficulty after I ate the burrito. I am glad I wear mostly black boxers. It’s raining today and it’s causing me to get a pseudo-migraine. I have a low level headache that is like a migraine but isn’t. I get it whenever it rains. Fricken sucks. I just took some ibuprofen to try and quiet it down. The shower helped a little bit. I haven’t needed my pain meds for most of the day. I hope this is a good sign that I won’t be tortured tonight. I really don’t want a night of pain like I had last night.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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