Random 935

Random 935

I woke up before dawn in pain. I took my meds and pretty much slept all day. I didn’t wake up till around 1515. I was having a strange dream, but I don’t remember it now. I ordered a burger and onion rings for my dinner. My sister was having a party for my nephew as his birthday is next week but half the family is going to Italy starting tomorrow. I won’t see my sisters and nieces for almost two weeks. I am going to miss them.

I made a few phone calls while I was waiting for my food and the party to start. I called my PCP’s office to see if my prescription was ready to be picked up. It was so I will be going tomorrow to get it. The next was to the neurology clinic. I wanted to see the doctor’s colleague and instead I got a fricken resident who specializes in Multiple Sclerosis. That isn’t going to help me! I was so annoyed. I am going to call tomorrow and request someone else that is not a resident and who specializes in CRPS. I don’t need a regular neuro, I already have one. I need someone that knows about this pain condition so I can know if there is a better treatment out there. I don’t think there is but doesn’t hurt to see a specialist.

I emailed my psych about this and she apologized for not calling me back yesterday. She said she might call me later or tomorrow. It’s been later and I still haven’t heard from her so I guess she will call me tomorrow. I just want to talk to her about taking a lot of Neurontin lately. I know it’s not helping my weight but it is helping me sleep more soundly, better than Ativan. Once I get to sleep that is. I’m just worried that I am using too high a dose as I just play with the dosing. Sometimes I take 900 mg, other times I take 1200 mg. Sometimes it’s twice a day I will take either of these dose or higher. Then there will be days I don’t take any. It doesn’t help my physical pain, just the burning that I get. But I have gained 10 pounds while using it and I hate it.

My pain in the ass aunt came over. After the cake, she was telling me how to make money by writing about her family, like I don’t know anything about books. UGH, I had to explain to her that unless you get a good PR and publisher, you won’t make a cent. She wanted me to write it. Like fucking hell will I spend the hours with her writing this book. I can’t stand being with her for more than 5 minutes. I hate her with all my being. She tries to get on my “good” side but I see right through her. Then she was telling me the story of JK Rowling and how she is a billionaire now. I laughed and asked her do you know how many publishers rejected her work? Almost all of England. She got rejected over 20 times and she persisted. I am grateful she has and the whole Potterworld is too.

Despite sleeping all day, I still feel tired. I had a rough night of pain as I didn’t go to sleep till at least 3 only to wake up a few hours later, still in pain. Now after the party, my pain is back from sitting too long. Never fails.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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