another scorching day

Another scorchering day

It’s so hot my AC can’t keep up. It’s cool in my room but not cold. Humidity is up to 47% un my room. It is muggy to say the least. I hate it. And it is only the beginning of June! Summer hasn’t even started yet. Boston has consistently gone from freezing to hot temps the last few years. I hate it. Just last weekend we had the heat on it was so cold. I didn’t go outside much today. I drank my coffee on my porch and then realized why I don’t do this on a hot day. I was sweating so much from being outside for just a few minutes. I need to take a shower and I will after I have my dinner.

I had therapy today. We discussed the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Apparently it has been in my record for some time. I didn’t know that. I am still upset about it because of the stigma attached to the diagnosis. She agreed to take it off her notes but can’t do much about what others have written. She said that I feel empty which is a major component of the diagnosis. I do at times but it isn’t all the damn time. Most of the time I feel numb and depressed. She also said that I am angry at her a lot of the time. WTF I would love to know when I have been angry at her. If she has been taking my shutting down as being angry with her, she is dead wrong. I shut down because I don’t know what to say after I have been called out. It takes me a while to recover and come up with something to say. It is easier for me to say nothing than to react.

I asked for a couple weeks break and she reluctantly agreed. I probably won’t need that long to collect myself but I need some time off for a bit. We briefly discussed getting another therapist but she said there would be no one at the institution to give me the time I need/want. For a few days I thought we were on the same page in ending but I guess it isn’t the way I think it is. I am still so fearful she is going to end on me.

Hope the T storms cool things down. It is supposed to roll through sometime this evening. It is crazy hot in the house. I think the house is hotter than outside. I got a headache and a backache right now. Hope the two aren’t related. All I did was put some toilet paper in the bathroom so was walking around the house. I got my AC on full power at the lowest setting and it’s still humid in my room. I don’t think I am going to shower today. My back hurts too much to stand even for 10 minutes. I will try and take it in the morning. I have PT in the evening. It’s supposed to rain all day.

any thoughts?

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