Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Saturday Blog 28082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Saturday Blog 28082021

Last night I bought some soup that was Panera and it had ginger in it. I reacted so I took some Benadryl. I was out by 8pm. I have been listening to the Sox all afternoon. Game is in the 10th inning now as they have been knotted at 2 since the second or third inning. They have had chance but no good hits until now!! JD hits a 3 run homerun 5-2 lead. OMG fucking awesome. Sox win 5-3 in the 10th. OMG the bottom of the tenth had me going…

I still have this stupid infection and I can’t help but think I have accidently infected my bladder because of the gook that is on my skin from the discharge. I am going to have start using the cleansing wipes to really clean myself before inserting the catheter. The problem is the urge to pee doesn’t always allow me time to do this so I have been voiding more, which is good I guess. I have been peeing frequently and I can’t do anything until Monday. These weekend infections so suck. I stuck taking pyridium to try and control the urges to pee. It is still painful to void as I am straining.

I didn’t do anything today. I was told to limit my activity because of the abdomen pain which I still have. If it gets worse I am to go to the ED. It has been the same for most of the day so I have just sat and listened to the game. I finished one of the antibiotics yesterday. I am still taking the gross one. I still have to take it till Thursday I think.

My brother in law’s sister passed away yesterday. It has been a rough time. I also found out a dear friend passed away yesterday as well. I am not sure when he died but news of it made me sad all day and then when I got my sister in law’s news, I was more distraught. There won’t be services for her. She will just be cremated.

It was finally cool today, windy as hell but cool. I finally turned my AC off for the first time all week. I wish the temps could stay like this. Yesterday was brutal. I got my haircut and did some shopping at the grocery store. I didn’t get anything heavy. I am still under restrictions for the next 7 weeks.

Pic of animal

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Here is German Shepard DOTUS Major Biden

another day of recovering from surgery

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Another day recovering from surgery

I wanted to go to Starbucks today but after I had my coffee and started coloring, I felt weak and tired. It is over 90 degrees so I decided to treat myself to Starbucks rather than go out to get it. Only when it was delivered I realized I forgot to order a pumpkin scone. They already have their fall items out. The scone is my favorite along with their pumpkin bread. I am hoping tomorrow is cooler so I can go out, even if it is a walk around the block. I just realized I forgot to mail my ballot so will need to go to the post office tomorrow.

I have a wedding to go to next Saturday so I booked an appointment with my barber for next Friday. Mid-morning appointments tend to go fast so I am glad I booked in advance. I ordered a new shirt, belt, and tie for the wedding. I have a pair of dress pants that I will just throw in the wash. I just don’t know what I will do about my catheters. I don’t have a small bag that is stylish enough for a wedding. I hope by next week I am back to wearing boxers and not pads. I am still having discharge but it is getting less with each passing day.

I had to look up some appointments as they are not in my calendar. I came across the notes from my surgeon for Monday. In the notes was the path report for my reproductive system. Apparently I had endometriosis. I wonder if that was why I was having cramps nearly every month since being on testosterone. I feel better that it could be that rather than my bladder. I am still having cramps and pain but it is much more mild than it was yesterday. The real pain that I have is my thigh. I don’t know why I am having so much pain there. I haven’t done anything that would cause it. I might take some gabapentin if it continues as I am sure it is nerve pain. I wish there was a stretch I could do to stretch it out some but with my lower leg being not as mobile as my right it is difficult to do it.

I see my psychiatrist next week. Feels like ages since I last saw him. I have been in contact with him with the patient message system. He has been responsive. He is a good guy. My psych thinks highly of him. She hasn’t been my psych for almost three years now but I have known her for thirty years so I still call her my psych. I don’t think that will ever change. I still keep in touch with her, more than I write to my psychiatrist. I have never met him in person because of Covid so I don’t really know what he is like. I think telehealth is something that is going to happen for some time and I don’t think is going to change in the near future.

Sox had an ugly loss last night. Pitching fell apart as usual. At this rate playoffs seem hopeless. There is a month of playing left and if the pitching doesn’t improve it doesn’t look like they will be playing in Oct.

post op day 7 hysterectomy

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Post op day 7 hysterectomy

I really hate this infection I got. I am leaking discharge and it smells bad. I had my pad covered when I got up this morning so I really wasn’t in the mood to deal with therapy. And the antibiotic is terrible. I have to swallow it quick before my mouth fills up with bitterness. I woke up with pain today and it was not really bad but it woke me from my nap later in the day as well as my bladder that is on a two to three hour schedule. Driving me fucking nuts. Doesn’t help that I have a UTI. I am just a mess and aggravated.

Therapy went good. I got validated about my past abuse and it felt good. I felt like I made some progress today. We spent the session talking about the abuse. She asked what I was going to do between sessions and I said go to Starbucks. She hesitated about this. She asked if I was well enough. I said I was. It will be good for me to get out of the house and into some routine. I can’t carry my backpack because it is too heavy but I can carry my journal. I also said I would shave and shower. I did and now I am wiped out. I am just feeling out of sorts right now. I don’t know if it is the heat or the infection. I am not running a fever. I just feel rotten. It is 90 degrees out right now. I hate it so bad.

Tomorrow is supposed to be hotter. UGH. I will freeze in Starbucks though. It will be good to go out. Other than going to the hosp Monday, I haven’t left the house. My room is the only room that has AC so I tend to stay in my room all day when it is hot out. I could go for a mocha right now. I would have ordered it from UberEats but it was kind of late and I didn’t want the espresso to keep me up.