Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Sunday Blog 15082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, CRPS, depression

Sunday blog 15082021

I had a lot of things to do today as I listened to the ball game. I did my med boxes for the week, putting in the right pills for prep on Wed. I then made a little bag up to make sure I had enough caths and pads for after surgery. I think I am going to have some bottles of Gatorade on a shelf near my bed so I don’t have to bend down to pick them up. I ordered tacos for dinner. I am still waiting for them to be delivered.

I took a shower with the special soap I need to use. It is very liquid and does not lather well at all. I just took a quick shower. I can’t use the soap on my privates so I had to use regular soap. I feel better now that I am showered and my anxiety is a little less. I just need to empty my recycles tomorrow. I was going to do that today but I don’t feel up to it.

I listened to 8 innings of the Sox before getting too anxious about showering. My back flared up but it settled down once I sat down for a bit. They won 6-2, sweeping the O’s. They are off tomorrow and then play the snakes in the Bronx. They play two games but there was talk of a double header so I don’t know. My calendar doesn’t put in rescheduled games, which really sucks.

I think I am going to read tonight. I haven’t read anything in weeks. I have been really bad at scheduling time to read a book. I mostly just read Twitter, which lately has been depressing me because of all the virus cases and anti-vax idiots. It just hasn’t been fun lately. I try to get the pets and animals pictures so it can have some brightness to my day.

Tomorrow I go for my Covid test. When my med alarm went off this morning I thought today was Monday. I am so fucking nervous about everything. I think I will need an Ativan before my night meds. I just washed the new clothes I bought. I have to wear female underwear because I need to wear a pad for a week or two after surgery. I am not ok with this as I find it demoralizing but a pair of boxers doesn’t hold a pad so I don’t have a choice really. It won’t kill me to wear them for a week or so. I am listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter’s One Night Lonely album. It calms me down to hear her voice.

The tacos I ordered came cold and were not so great. Last time I order them. This is the second time they arrived this way and an hour late. I might have a yogurt. My leg is flared up from all the standing I have done today. I just took some meds. My lower back is aching so I took some Tylenol, too. I got to call my PT place to find out if I can see my PT if the Covid test isn’t back yet. Last time it took a little more than 24 hours for me to get results. Each PT visit they ask if we have a pending covid test or had a test within the last 24 hours. I don’t think it will be applicable to me because a doctor ordered it for my surgery not because I am having symptoms. I have been careful to wear my mask all this week and the week before when I go out. I just hope I can sleep tonight and not be up all night because I have to be up early to get ready for the test before leaving the house. I will have Starbucks on the way home because dammit I deserve it!

a fantastic Saturday 14082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

A fantastic Saturday 14082021

I went out with friends this afternoon for lunch. It was a good time. We had some laughs. I will see my friend on Wed when she picks me up after my surgery. It was great seeing her today while I wasn’t under the influence.

I came home in time for the game. Sale pitched well today with 8 strikeouts. The Sox are currently winning 14-2 in the 5th. Last night my radio’s batteries died so I didn’t hear the rest of the game. I was lucky to find the cord today so I can listen to the game today.

My ankle started to flare up on the way home. It is still bothering me. I plan on taking my night meds soon so I will take my BT meds with it. I have been drinking a lot because I sweat a lot today. It was very humid and hot on the walk home.

I came home exhausted. I am really struggling to stay awake. I thought about having a cup of coffee but it was 6pm when I looked at the clock. Much too late to have a cup. I made it to the end of the game so that has to count for something. I am still awake. I probably will be for another hour or so and then go to bed.

I just plan on resting tomorrow and to pack my bag for the hospital. I just need to make sure I have catheters and pads. I plan on wearing PJ shorts so I am comfortable. I will take an Uber to the hospital. I have a few appointments before surgery. I have my final PT appointment Tues. I go for Covid testing Mon and in the afternoon I have therapy.

I am a little nervous about after surgery, like how many times will I have to cath. I want to stay hydrated so I am sure I will be going to the bathroom quite a bit but that also means going up and down stairs a lot. I might bring down some bottles of Gatorade and just sit on the couch for a bit in between to rest so I don’t go up and down so much. I have no idea what the weather will be like but the house is always too hot for me, even with the ceiling fan in the living room and sometimes my mother shuts it off because she gets cold. I have Ensure to live off of for a bit. I don’t have a full case. There isn’t time to get one and I don’t think I will be needing one.

change of linens

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Change of linens

I had no appointments today so decided to change my linens on my bed. It took me an hour to clear off my bed and then another hour to change the sheets. My back was in agony. I then decided to shower and forgot a change of clothes so wrapped myself in the towel and went up to my room. It was so much cooler to get dressed than the bathroom. I forgot to put the vent on so it was hot.

I decided to update my laptop with updates and it took forever. I was glad I did it when I didn’t have any zoom meetings to attend. I got wicked tired from waiting. I want to take a nap but am afraid I won’t sleep well if I do. I want to listen to the Sox game tonight.

I have been trying to drink fluids because I have been sweating a lot and have such a headache from the heat. The heat is not helping my energy levels. I only had one cup of coffee today so I am kind of sluggish. Changing my bed was the high priority today because tomorrow I am going out with some friends for a lunch date. It should be fun.

My ankle flared up a half hour ago. I tried to ignore it while I laid down for a bit because I was so tired but it is still hurting me. I am going to take my night meds early along with BT meds to quiet it down. I know I did too much on my feet today. Now to listen to the Sox.

having a bad day 12082021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Having a bad day 12082021

I woke up three hours after my med alarm went off. I just shut it off and went back to sleep. I wasn’t in a good mood. I was wicked tired and moody. I went to have my coffee but my mother needed help with her phone call because she couldn’t hear the lady on the other end. It took twenty minutes to get sorted and I am still waiting for the damn email they supposedly would be sending me.

I had an hour to kill before my therapy appointment and decided to call my cell company and find out why I am still being charged for my second line. Turns out they have no record of the call I made a few weeks ago when I canceled it. Took an hour and 10 minutes to sort out. I was late for therapy and I was not happy about it. We talked about the upcoming surgery and how nervous I was about it. I will have family around but whether or not they will help me out is another matter. I told my mother today I was having surgery and she said I was making a mistake. I got really upset. I hung up the phone with her.

I had my uro appointment and that was even more depressing. To avoid straining, I am to cath all the time now, every three hours or so. Just fucking great. It’s either I do this or have pain when I void. I will cath but that doesn’t mean I am happy about it. She said straining isn’t good for me and I agree it isn’t. I am to follow up 4-5 weeks after surgery to see how I am doing.

I ordered roast beef from my favorite restaurant for lunch. It was very good. Better than the last time I had it which was last year. I was disappointed I didn’t get onion rings with my order even though I ordered them. I got fries instead. It was still good. I am having a cousins zoom meeting tonight. I am hosting so I need to wake up. I might have a cup of coffee as I am kind of dragging right now. I just want to go to sleep.

Sox are fricken losing to the Rays. They have a shitty pitcher pitching so he gave up three runs. I still think Fenway is cursed.