Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

pre-op and Starbucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Pre op testing and Starbucks

I had a morning interview today about chronic pain and depression. I was being interviewed to see if I would be an advocate for an organization call Vote for Cure. I agreed to become one to advocate for chronic pain in Massachusetts. It involves writing letters to editors and to members of Congress in support for those suffering from chronic illnesses and mental illness.

I then went to the hospital so I could drop off a urine specimen for pre op testing. So far my urine is clean so there should be no problems for surgery. After the lab, I went to Starbucks for a mocha and a sandwich. I ate there and then hurried to catch the bus home. I was listening to Taylor Swift’s new song Renegade that is out by Big Red Machine. It is a very cool song. I love it.

My sister called me this morning to confirm going out to dinner tonight with my cousin. It should be fun. I just got to make sure I am hydrated because it is so fricken hot out and I was sweating pretty bad on the way home. I don’t want to get a headache again. It is very hot out. I hate it so much. It is going to be hot the next few days. I talked with a friend yesterday and she wants to have a get together before my surgery. I told her that was fine. We will be going to my favorite Thai food restaurant in Boston. I told them I will meet them there as I am north of Boston and it will not make sense to get me and then go back to Boston. The T is right there that I can take and the bus runs like every half hour on Saturday.

Sox lost again last night. They are on a losing streak right now. It is very depressing. They are playing the Rays who have taken over 1st place since we are down. We are in 2nd place currently but will easily slip to 3rd if we keep losing. It has been very stressful to see this happen. I personally think Fenway is cursed as their home record isn’t so great this season. They seem to be better on the road than at home and they are home the next 10 or so games. There are only 47 games left in the season. We need to start playing better and win more games if we are going to be in the playoffs. Hopefully with Sale coming back off the injury list we have a better chance.

PT and groceries

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

PT and groceries

My PT was like 20 minutes late for our appointment. She was running behind and was doing a procedure on a patient so she was just late. I had it virtually because my legs were hurting too much to walk. We had done a few exercises after I gave a recap about how I was doing. I told her how I was sitting and she wanted me to put a pillow under my calves so they are supported. I have been doing that and I feel more comfortable this way. I am not getting as much shin pain as I was getting.

I had a shitty time sleeping. I tried having a nap and failed. I had my groceries delivered by the time I decided to get up. I brought up four bags of Gatorade. Each bag had like 10 bottles in it. It took a while to bring everything up. I was tired and sweaty. I had Chipotle for lunch and I am still full from it. They gave me a lot of food. It was so good.

My back is bothering me so bad but I am resting. I don’t think I am going to take the remaining two bags up tonight. I got contacted by someone doing research on chronic pain experiences and the person will be calling me tomorrow morning.

I took my night meds early. I hope to be sleeping before 9 tonight. I am paying attention to the game remotely through the MLB website. I am in a lot of pain from dragging the Gatorade up the stairs. My neck hurts and my back is still hurting despite resting. I might have to take some BT meds with Tylenol. I can’t take NSAIDs like ibuprofen because I am so close to surgery. I am so frigging tired. I hope I sleep tonight without waking up at all. I am having stabbing thigh pain so I just took some gabapentin. I know it is nerve pain. I think the next time the shot is up for my left, I will just give it to my right instead and then wait. Hopefully time will heal this flare up.

therapy and self-validation

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, COVID19, CRPS, depression

Therapy and self-validation

Today has been a day. I had woken up around 330 because I had to pee. I made sure my bladder was empty and didn’t drink anything after I cathed around 2130 so in the 6 hours I had made urine and it had to be emptied. I kept on having weird dreams about going to the lab to drop off a urine specimen and the first sample was robbed. When I went to give another one, all the bathrooms were locked. You needed a key code to unlock it. I woke up groggy and hung over. I didn’t want to get up but I wanted coffee before therapy so I got up. I really need to start getting up when I wake up, as long as it isn’t between the hours of 12-4a. I am willing to get up at 4 if I know I can nap, which I usually can.

Therapy went a little stressful. We continued our conversation from last session about self-care and coping skills. We spent the entire session talking about how to use coping skills and such. I told her that my sister invalidated me and there is no way in fucking hell she is ever going to have compassion for me being disabled so I got to learn self-validation to overcome the feelings. It is something I am to work on till our next appointment.

After session, I took a shower. It was much needed as I was all sweaty and stinky. I shaved and trimmed my hair a little bit. I did the right side better than the left. The shower caused me so much pain. The shaving caused my arms to flare up so washing my hair caused my upper back to cramp up. My feet were bothering me or cramping because of me shift weight on them. The shower mat doesn’t cover all of the shower floor so I had to be mindful of where I stepped or I would slip. Drying off I almost fell forward as I almost lost my balance. It was not a good experience. I was exhausted and needed a little nap before heading to the pharmacy to get my meds. It was ok resting but I didn’t sleep.

After the rest I went to the pharmacy. I did ok getting there but on the way home I was short of breath. It got worse as I walked home. I tried to slow my pace down but it didn’t matter. I got within three houses of mine and had to stop to rest. I took the mask off so I could breathe better. After a few minutes, I continued home and then rested on my front porch. The mail came so I sorted it as I sat down. Once I could breath again at a somewhat normal pace, I went into the house and went up the stairs where I lost my breath again. I washed my hands like I always do when I come home. I had dropped off my sister’s mail at her apartment and then took a bottle of water which I immediately downed. I rested in my kitchen for a bit, trying to recover. I was thankful my mother was in the other room so I didn’t have to talk to her. Once I finished my bottle of water and was breathing normally, I went upstairs to my room. I cooled off as I was sweating from the exertion and heat.

I had a cup of coffee and some yogurt after my shower but after the trip to the pharmacy, I was really hungry so I ordered Chinese food. I wanted my Kung Pao dish that I have been ordering lately. It is the same restaurant and I get it reordered from UberEats. It was awesome and now I am just going to rest the rest of the evening listening to Taylor Swift. I think I am going to color in my coloring book for a bit as there is no game tonight. I am wicked tired but I don’t think I can sleep. I have surgery in 9 days. I hope it helps these cramps that I have been having the past two days. It has been awful. I go for my urine test on Wed. I ordered my groceries so I will have them delivered tomorrow afternoon. I want to make sure I have enough Gatorade because I won’t be able to lift things for several weeks after surgery. I just re-read the post op instructions and it will be six weeks before able to lift anything greater than 10 pounds. Which means I won’t be able to do the weight exercises like I have been doing. Damn. I also can expect to be tired for up to 4 weeks after surgery. Great. I will be taking a lot of naps I guess.

a hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A hot Sunday

It’s hot and sticky today. I’ve stayed in my room except to use the bathroom and have meals. I just finished watching the Sox blow the lead against the Jays and am not happy right now.

I woke up around 0130 to pee and was up for a bit afterwards. The sleep thing said I had five hours. This is the second time the app has shown me this and I have had to pee so I think I really need to make sure my bladder is empty before I lay down to sleep. Might not help as the body produces urine anyway but if I know my bladder is empty and I don’t drink anything then I have a possible good chance of sleeping a full night.

I only had one cup of coffee today so right now I am feeling wicked tired. I am listening to the rest of Hamilton. I started listening to it the other night but couldn’t finish it. I want to take a nap but am afraid that if I do I will wake up in the middle of the night again. I have such a headache because of the heat. I wish I could take some ibuprofen but I can’t because of surgery coming up. I am having a hysterectomy done as a gender affirming surgery. I don’t have to worry about an unexpected period or PAP smears anymore. I am having cramps today and I still don’t know if they are bladder or uterine. It bugs the crap out of me that I hurt and don’t know why. I will know soon enough.

I have a busy week this week. Most of it is getting prepped for surgery. I see the uro NP on Thursday to discuss things. I just hope post op I will be ok. I have enough caths to last me through the month should I have to cath every couple of hours until I heal inside. I have therapy tomorrow. I am kind of anxious about it because I don’t really want to talk about trauma. I have just one errand to do tomorrow and that is to pick up my meds when they are ready. They would have been ready last week but the pharmacy was short a few pills. I haven’t done any PT today. I am not feeling up to it because I got such a damn headache right now. It is taking every ounce of concentration to continue writing this blog.

I have to shower tomorrow. I should shower tonight but I think I am just going to take my night meds and sleep. Next week I will have to shower four days in a row and with the antibacterial soap as a prep for surgery. I tend to have more energy in the morning so I think I will shower then. I am listening to Taylor now. All her songs. I cannot wait for Nov 19 when Red (Taylor’s Version) is out. 30 fricken songs. Going to be amazing.