Category: Bipolar Disorder

shitty mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I am still in a shitty mood. It’s not as cold today so I ventured out to my father’s. It went okay. I did what I had to do and then I left. I was the mailman today as both my father and mother gave me stuff to mail. I also had an item to put in the mailbox. I just hope that my therapist gets it by next week. I came home and made a steak. I also had some cookies my mother made. Now I am probably not going to eat anything for the rest of the day. I wish my mother didn’t make the cookies. They are my favorite kind, chocolate chip.

I took a shower today. I wanted to get my hair cut today but I just couldn’t get enough energy to go. I will try and go Saturday. I need to go to UPS that day to drop off my package. It’s in the Square so I can get my Starbucks afterwards. I wanted to go today but it would be too much. I am already pooped from going out to my father’s. One outing is all I can tolerate.

It’s not cold out but my room is freezing. My feet are so damn cold. I just put socks on and I might put on my long sleeved shirt. I am debating on watching a movie rather than go to my sister’s party tonight. I just am not up to seeing people and interacting. I really just want to go to sleep. I am so wiped out. I had the longest bus ride home because there was traffic and then a person in a wheelchair came on board. That took another fifteen minutes to get him on and situated.

At midnight, or thereabouts, if I am still up, I will post my year in review. I had a good year, blog wise anyway. I really had a year filled with depression and suicidality. I was also hypomanic for a little while. My only highlight was the New York Times article that got published. I will never forget those feelings. And I have the emails to remind me.

I still need to work on my book. That will come in time. I just hope that my therapist and psychiatrist lay off asking me about my writing enough that I can actually write. I have to put some more time into developing my ideas.

venting ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle has been bothering me all fucking day. Seems every time I am close to getting to sleep, it flares up angrily, like I wanted to use it or something. Or maybe it’s mad that I am resting it. I don’t know. It just hurts and I don’t know why. I never know why. Three years and no one has been able to tell me why. They think it’s this, that, but it doesn’t change the treatment or course. I think it is a little bit of complex regional pain syndrome. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome as I do have pain and swelling. I can’t walk as far as I used to because of pain. It just sucks.

I need to go out tomorrow to my father’s. His weekly visit. I wish I could stop doing this every week but out of obligation, I do it.

In addition to this lovely irritable mood that I have been in, I think I am getting my menses. Just what I fucking need to start off the New Year. It makes me depressed and pissed off. I guess that is why I gained so much weight. It’s probably all from feeling bloated. I hate being in this body so fucking much. Another year to remind me I am in the wrong body. It totally messes with my head and how I feel.

I wish I could just spontaneously combust so I wouldn’t have to think about killing myself. Of course, planning your death isn’t the same as going through with it. I plan and plan yet I am still fucking here. A 22 year-old died the other day while swimming. Just like that he was gone. Why couldn’t that happen to me? Why must I fucking live this life I so don’t want to live? I wish I didn’t have the SSD review hanging over my head. I just don’t know if I am disabled “enough” to meet their requirements. I still don’t know if I got it based on my physical and/or mental disability. I wish I knew so I could fill in the right doctors for their consents and stuff. I just hate waiting. And I also worry that I will have to see their doctor. That will fucking suck. And I am in so much pain more at night than during the day. The depression is year round so I don’t have to worry about that. I just worry that I will be denied and then I will be screwed financially.

I wish my therapist were here. I so need to talk to her. I have been texting her but I never get a response. Of course, she is out of office so why would she respond? Nothing I have been texting her needs a response anyways. I think this is the first time that I haven’t thought about leaving her. Usually, I always plan my escape when she is on vacation. It’s my way of getting away from her permanently. But she never usually allows a cancellation. And if I do need to cancel, she wants to make up that time.

I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in a month. She had her hip replaced the beginning of December. I am scheduled to see her next Friday. It will be good to see her again. I miss her, too. We have been emailing each other. She does respond and she tells me she is doing well. It’s kind of sad that when I see her next, I will be the one with the cane. I still can’t trust my leg. I don’t know how much of it is mental at this point. I just know there is a security there and I need that. Plus, my leg doesn’t hurt as much if I have that extra support. Wish I could say the same for my ankle.

I read a horribly written blog yesterday. It was by one of my BPD chat friends. There were a ton of run on sentences. And the grammar was just horrible. I want to say something but I don’t want to offend her. I am not close to her so I am not sure she will accept criticism well.

I cannot believe that I have done nothing but lie in bed all day and my ankle is screaming at me. I so want to tell it off, like what the hell are you hurting for when I didn’t do anything to hurt you. I didn’t overuse it. I didn’t go up and down stairs a million times. What the fuck gives??

Because I was a lazy bastard, I have to return a calendar I bought from Amazon. It was way bigger than I thought it would be. I should have known that a 12×17 wouldn’t fit on my wall. It would but I would have to move it over and put another nail in the wall. Too much effort for a lazy person when I don’t need that big of a calendar to begin with. I am an idiot. I was too lazy to get up to see the SKU for the calendar I do have. Now I have to go to Harvard to go to my favorite stationary store to get the calendar I need, which is what I should have done to begin with. I thought Amazon would get me what I needed and now it didn’t. I am a lazy bastard.

too tired to care

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

It’s another cold fricken day. The temp was supposed to warm up but it’s barely 30 degrees out. I was going to go out today but I am feeling really tired. I didn’t sleep very well last night and my stupid phone kept on going off with messages and alerts. I should have shut the ringer off.

I just feel really blah and don’t want to do anything. My tolerance today is zero. I am just in a grumpy mood and I can’t shake it. I’m trying to increase my fluids today, to see if that helps my bladder situation. But all I want to do is sleep. I just can’t deal with it. I really want pizza but I don’t want a whole one. Just a couple of slices. That would mean having to walk to the pizza place and I am not up for it.

I am feeling really depressed. I don’t want to talk with anyone, much less my family members. I am just so tired and wiped out. I know part of it is the stress of the upcoming MRI and knowing the results of it. It’s all I have been thinking about. I keep thinking that the surgeon is going to tell me that I have CES again and I just am not going to be able to cope with it. My worse fear is that I will have to have a fusion. Then I was talking to my bipolar cousin and he is like “don’t let them cut you open again”. Thanks, just what I wanted to hear. Like my four surgeries have been voluntary. They haven’t, they have been under emergency circumstances. I just can’t deal with ignorant people.

I’m going back to bed. I can’t stand being awake anymore. I am too tired.

Random 678

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I finally wrote my psychache paper. It gives the highlights of Shneidman’s theory and also some of the terminology that goes with it. It’s a brief paper as I am not as verbose as Shneidman was.

I didn’t go out today because there was icy rain and snow. I don’t go out in this type of weather, unless I really have to. I hope it will melt by tomorrow so I can get my soy latte. It’s really cold out and the temp is dropping again.

One of my Twitter friends lost his son as a stillborn. His grief is palpable. I really feel for the guy. But I really don’t like him showing funeral pics of his son’s funeral. That to me is just disrespectful to the dead. It’s a closed casket, though it looks more like a water cooler. It’s sad. I just don’t understand how someone can show caskets on the web.

Other than writing the paper today, I didn’t do anything else. I wanted to read but my nose kept on running and my room is cold so I all I could think about was crawling back under the covers to snooze. I woke up really early because my ankle has been bothering me. It’s the same type of pain I always have. The weather causes me to hurt. I have been sneezing all day which hasn’t helped my runny nose. I have had these sniffles for over two months now and they just won’t go away. Just on the safe side, I took a bunch of vitamin D to ward off any infection this might be brewing. I’m also having Chamomile tea as my stomach is upset for some reason.

I have to be better about drinking fluids during the day. The only fluids that I had today was the eggnog I had after my lunch and a little milk with cereal for breakfast. I haven’t had any coffee or anything else today. I should be drinking more water but I keep forgetting to bring some bottles up when I go back up to my room. I’ll try to remember when I go back downstairs.

I have been sleepy on and off most of the day. I just can’t snap out of the drowsiness. I know part of it is because of the pain meds I took this morning. I also think it’s due to the baclofen I took for my leg pain.

I am a few weeks away from settling my student loan debt. It will be such a relief once it is gone. Then I can tackle my other loan debt and be free, I hope. It’s extremely hard to do when you on disability. I wish I could have a job but I can’t work, hence why I am on disability. I still don’t like being disabled. It has a negativity attached to it that I cannot shake. Or maybe it’s the stigma. Yet despite this, I still get looked down upon with my family, especially my parents. I feel ashamed that I didn’t turn out to be successful like they hoped. Damn mental illness and physical stuff got in the way of that. I rather would be dead than deal with this shit, this loathing that I feel.

I don’t know why I feel so loathsome. I just really hate myself because I didn’t succeed the way I should have in college. I would have graduated had I just not withdrawn from so many courses. But I just couldn’t handle the pressure of exams. It literally made me psychotic and have delusions. Now I don’t know if I can go back to the state school I was going to to finish my degree. I was eight courses shy of my bachelor’s. There were just two classes that were legit that I had to withdraw from because I was doing poorly or there was a conflict with the professor. The others, I just couldn’t handle the workload. And I was only taking two classes while working full-time. I would withdraw from the one I had the better grades in or knew I could at least get a B. I just am not that smart anymore to handle more than 1 class. I miss college though, very much. I didn’t make that many friends while I was there, but I got to know the psych department pretty well. I could never do my suicide research there for grad studies that is for sure. I would have to do some social psych dissertation that I would absolutely hate doing. Or I hope I could just do a literature review and sneak by with that. But I really don’t want to get my PhD or PsyD in Boston, not unless I was well off financially and I am far from that.

All this talk about college is making me sad because I feel like such a failure. I have a huge student loan debt and nothing to really pay for it. My transcript has more W’s than grades. Also has a few F’s but we won’t go there. I have to be the biggest loser on the planet to go so far and not collect a degree. But I got sick and it’s my fault. I have no one else to blame.