Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Morning Blog

My day had started at 0330. I woke up thinking about weird things and then having a conversation with them with the voices. I was up for a half hour before my ankle decided it was going to flare up on me. I took some meds and wrote to a friend as I didn’t wish her a happy new year yet. She is a dear friend who also has the same condition as me. We have been friends for at least 11 years now. Strange how that works. She is worried about my upcoming MRI and what will it show, too. I haven’t had anymore thigh pain the last few days. So maybe the herniated disc went back in place and healed on its own. The doc said it could do that. That will be a load off my shoulders if that is the case. It’s one week till I have the test.

I made breakfast. My mother made some bacon and I made some scrambled egg. I was going to have a burrito but I don’t know what I was thinking, I made toast. No burrito today. I am definitely going to have a burger for lunch with mashed potatoes and gravy. I think I will kind of make like a Salisbury steak. The burger tastes like it as it has onions and stuff in it. It’s made my by Ball Park. I love their hotdogs and now I love their burgers.

I didn’t make coffee today. I am still sort of sick so I made a cup of tea, black caffeinated. I will need at least three cups to equal one cup of coffee but it’s something to keep me away. I hope I don’t nap again. I keep thinking today is Monday. The holiday on Friday just messed me up. I have to shower sometime today. That is one of my goals for the day. I also need to start taking stuff off my bed so I can change the sheets. I also need to fix the bibliography that I have for the folder that I have of research articles on suicide. I have 4 more to add. I haven’t decided if I am going to just tack them on or rearrange the whole folder. Might be easier just to tack them on than rearrange everything. Damn. I just thought that I should have bought another magazine holder for my journals while I was in Harvard yesterday. I need another one for this year’s journals. I don’t know where I would but them but at least they would all be together. I also have to think about whether or not to be a member for AAS for another year. Only reason I am a member is to get the journal articles so I can keep abreast of the latest research.

For the first time in a year, my book sales for the month of December were zero for both paperback and kindle. I have stopped promoting the book on Twitter. It took some effort to come up with a sales pitch that would be contained in 140 characters. After a while, I just got bored with it. Some would like it but not buy it. With my depression being so bad during December, I just couldn’t put forth the effort. I’ll try again sometime this year when I am up to it. Self-promoting is very difficult.

Saturday Blog 40

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was going to order pizza but now I don’t have to because my mother is making it. She makes good pizza, though I love the dough more than the sauce and cheese. I got a calendar but it isn’t the one I wanted. They were out of them. I thought about ordering it on Amazon but I didn’t want to spend another $35 just for free shipping. I got a calendar at the Coop for $7 and I will make it work. Right now it’s too long and needs to be moved over so I can have access to my light switch. I really didn’t want to put another hole in the wall but seems I have no choice. While I was at the Coop, I saw a nice leather pouch with the Harvard logo on it. I so wanted to get it. I also wanted to get a knitted hat but refrained. I kept my hands in my pocket and just kept walking.

I got my Starbucks soy latte. Today was not the day for specialty drinks. I have been having the gags most of the day. They will come on suddenly and without reason so I think I am getting a migraine. My head doesn’t hurt yet, but I am sure it will later this evening.

I plan on watching a movie tonight. Last night I watched the Goonies. Ridiculous movie if I ever saw one. I really don’t get the appeal of the movie. I will watch Pretty Woman tonight. I love Richard Gere and Julia Roberts. It’s one of my favorite movies.

I almost didn’t go into Harvard today. I saw the bus home and almost decided to take it and go home with just my latte. But I pushed through the tiredness and trudged on. I went to my favorite stationary store and realized I forgot the pen I needed a refill on. So I bought some more V-Ball pens and another notebook. They didn’t have my calendar I wanted. They had every other calendar but the one I was looking for. A lot of pretty ones, too. But they were too big for the space that I needed it. Doesn’t matter now as I need to move up the nail and make another hole in the wall.

All I had to eat today was a pop tart. I couldn’t finish the second one. I have no appetite today. I am trying to drink more fluids so on the way home I bought some mineral water and a coke. I know I will drink the water. I can’t drink that much soda like I used to. I usually have a few sips a day until it’s gone. I plan on making a cup of tea when I am done with this blog. I need something warm to drink. I still am sick. I still have pain in my ankle as well. It didn’t help that while putting on my PJs my ankle turned. Luckily, I was standing by my bed or I think I would have fallen.

I entered a reading challenge this year through the website GoodReads. I finally finished the book Far From the Tree but for some reason it didn’t register in my challenge. Maybe it takes a day or so to do it. One of my friends suggested that I read “Game of Thrones”. I told her I already tried and failed to read it. I am just glad I didn’t buy the book set. It was just a weird book. I am going to try and read “Explorations in Personality” by Murray. I started it a few weeks ago. It is very dry reading but interesting. I keep calling the biases of the experiment but back then, you didn’t have diverse populations. It was mostly white people and middle class. The study that I am reading is about white undergraduates. Harvard wasn’t that diverse in the thirties. Book reminds me of the book George Apley. I never finished that book either because it was wicked dry reading and kind of boring. I hope to read Murray’s book as a tribute to Shneidman. That is my goal for 2016.

Still Shitty, but a different kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Still shitty, but a different kind

I must have sneezed a thousand times today. It’s official, I have a stupid cold to start off the new year. I don’t know how it happened as I have been really careful, washing my hands after going out and stuff. I just hope this doesn’t turn into a chest cold because I hate that more than sneezing my head off and not being able to breathe through my nose. I feel weak at times. I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluid but I will be making a cup of tea shortly. I like drinking hot tea when I am sick. I usually just drink chamomile and honey.

For the past hour, I have been experiencing spasms in my foot. It’s causing my foot to jerk upward and it is very painful. Then I got zaps in my toes that made me jump and swear. Ativan and pain meds seem to be helping. My ankle is really hurting from the spasms as all the muscles in that area tightened up on me. I hate when that happens. It’s always my left, never my right. But then, all the nerve damage has been in my left leg.

I woke up early despite going to bed late. I was going to make breakfast but I think the thought of cooking made me sleepy so I went back to sleep. I woke up from my nap after having a strange dream. I was in my old house that I grew up in and my father was giving me a travel kit of toothbrushes and toothpaste. It was weird as it had the Starbucks logo on the little cup they provided. In the dream, I wanted chocolate or was eating chocolate, I couldn’t tell. It was just a strange dream.

I watched the OSU game today. They beat Notre Dame. It was a blow out in the first half and then they really beat them in the second half. I was sorely disappointed that the main defender Bosa got ejected for targeting. It was a dumb thing to do especially in the first quarter. He apologized afterwards. Zeke scored 4 TDs and his last one he gave the Bosa shrug. It was awesome.

I feel pretty shitty physically. The spasms wore me out and this cold is kicking my butt. Mentally, I am still feeling out of sorts. I keep hearing voices telling me to do things but I just ignore them. They want me to take a bottle of pills but I am not going to do it. I guess that is my fault they are active because I didn’t take my meds for two days. Last night they wanted me to take all my meds; I did, just one of each or two depending on what pills they were. Resisting their insistence is very tiring. I hope they go away soon. I really don’t want to go to the hospital because of them. I know they have surfaced because of the stress I have been under with the MRI and because my therapist and pdoc have been on vacation. They will be back in the office next week so I just have to hold on till Monday. I will tell my therapist about the voices but I am hesitant to tell my pdoc because I am afraid she will put me in the hospital. It’s always a slippery slope with her. I sometimes feel like I can tell her anything and everything and then there are things that I feel I should keep from her, to protect her. Or maybe to protect myself. I don’t know. I have known this doc most of my life and yet she still scares me sometimes. I guess I don’t want to worry her with my stuff.

My therapist is different. I can tell her anything and all it will do is increase her anxiety so we don’t talk about anything else. Then she will talk psychobabble about why I am feeling the way I am feeling. I don’t get to talk much when she is like this. She has her own ideas of how things are even if they aren’t that way. I just laugh, especially when she tells me to increase my medicine or to take a PRN. I won’t do it unless my pdoc says I should, which would mean having to tell her that I am hearing commanding voices. Being sick isn’t helping the voices because I am more vulnerable. I should just take Nyquil and be done with it. I will be knocked out. I wish the makers of Nyquil could just market doxylamine without the alcohol and Tylenol content. It’s a nice antihistamine that is very sedating on its own.

Other than football, I did do some reading. I am up to the chapter of Rape in Far From The Tree. It’s not about child rape but about women who had a child because of rape. I am still not looking forward to this chapter and might skip it. I never skip a chapter in a book so this will be the first time I ever did so. I just don’t want to be triggered or have images in my head of women getting raped. That is not why I bought the book.

Weatherman just tweeted the forecast for the week. Seems like tomorrow might be a better day for me to go out than Monday. Monday is supposed to be really cold. I guess if I am up to it, I could go to the Square and then go to Harvard to get my calendar. We’ll have to see how my ankle feels because right now it’s in a lot of pain and I am sure the spasms are going to cause some soreness.

Happy New Year 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Happy New Year 2016

Happy new year to my blog readers. I don’t feel particularly happy. Damn depression is just awful. Taylor Swift came out with a new video and I wanted to share it because I think it’s one of her best videos yet.

Someone read a blog that I wrote about stigma and ice cream. I think I am going to include it in my book even though it’s less than 500 words. There’s an important message in the blog and I think it will be cool to write it in my book. That is one page down. Another 148 to go.

I wanted to be asleep by midnight but that didn’t happen. I was catching the scores of the Bama game. They killed the Spartans 38-0 and will advance to the National Championship game. I was hoping OSU would be playing that game but it wasn’t in the cards. OSU will be playing today at 1300. I can’t wait to watch the game. I have been looking forward to this game for a month now.
I had a cup of chamomile tea to try and ease my worries that I have about a relationship that I need to end. It’s not really a relationship, just a friendship that I don’t feel comfortable with any more. I wish my therapist were here so that I could talk to her about it. I also have been listening to Mary Chapin as she soothes me. Her voice is so calming.

I have been feeling really shitty still. My leg isn’t any better going down stairs and I am very worried about what they will find on the MRI. I am also worried about who will take care of me now that my PCP is gone. I am fearful that I just will be pushed aside or not taken seriously. I have to make an appointment with the new doc so that at least we know each other. I will have to do that on Monday. I am just afraid that I will have to wait a long time to see her. I just had a physical with my old PCP so I can’t even see her for that. I don’t know what I will see her for. Maybe I will just say a hi visit so she can know me? If I want her to fill in some paperwork that I will be needing, she has to know me. I really am mad at my old PCP for leaving.

I know it’s late but I feel like having a cheeseburger. I didn’t have dinner, well I did. I had a bowl of cereal. But that was hours ago. It’s almost 0100. I should be sleeping instead of having a burger. I got to learn self-control. I am really surprised my night meds haven’t knocked me out. I really hate that I am still awake because I know that I won’t fall asleep until after 0200. Think I will read Far From The Tree. I was hoping to finish that book by the end of the week but the damn depression ruined those plans for me. I hate when the depression affects my ability to read.

Hope all of you had a safe and Happy new year.