Category: blogging

Saturday Blog 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Saturday Blog 2

It has been a roller coaster day. I am still patiently waiting for the editor to send me back my manuscript. I am excited and anxious at the same time.

I didn’t do much today. I had coffee this morning with my sister that ended up with me taking my niece to my cousin’s house. I had the car for a little while. I took the long way home. It was nice. I got to listen to my country music station.

I started working on my Darkness short story as I got inspiration for it yesterday before the whole appointment fiasco. I thought I could write more today as I have been feeling depressed but wasn’t able to write more than what I had written. I feel like I am repeating myself and maybe I am. Darkness is always the same, it never changes. It fills you with bad thoughts and you always have a dark cloud following you that prevents light from shining through. The bad thoughts come back and you feel hopeless.

I am not sure how I feel right now. I just want to go to sleep. The weird dreams that I have been having seem to have left me. I am not getting them as often so my sleep has improved, though I still wake up at three in the morning. I woke up at this hour this morning because I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back to my room, I was awake. I stayed up till about six. I wasn’t in pain, I just couldn’t sleep. I think that is the nice thing about my game is that you can play it anytime of day.

I am getting better at reading, though I still get restless. I am reading at least ten pages or so before I get the restless feeling. I got a book from the library about writing novels. I don’t think the book is for me because I don’t really want to write fiction. I can write short stories but I don’t want something bigger than that. And I think the collection of small writings is a good idea for my next book. Today I bought one of my favorite author’s new short story book on Amazon. I miss reading his short stories. They almost always end in a cliffhanger. I hope to write like that some day. So maybe this book that I got from the library might help with that.

My crazy cousin called me again to check in on me. I didn’t have the chance to yell at him for calling my phone then calling my mother’s phone last night. WTF. If I don’t want to talk to you, don’t call my mother! I am glad my mother didn’t pick up. I don’t know why he does this. He is just annoying. I know he has issues, but come on. Have some decency.

I think I will take a shower tonight. I haven’t had one since Thursday. I try to go every other day, but sometimes that doesn’t work out too well. I just get lazy or too depressed. I can’t believe that it will be a week till I see my therapist again. Meeting three times this week isn’t possible because I have my PCP appointment Monday and then have my father’s appointment Tuesday. It sucks. But I am determined to keep my Wednesday appointment with her. I am canceling my neuro appointment. Screw them. I will call and cancel Monday. I don’t need to see my neuro anyways. Nothing has changed. Granted I would have liked her input on whether I need a nerve conduction test but I think the answer is no. My foot doctor thinks it might be useful but I am not going to be stuck with needles to find out what I already know: I have nerve damage. And with my pain medication and Neurontin, I can manage my pain. I just got to email her, anyways, to get a refill on it.

Am I a blogger or a writer?

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

I’ve been staring at this screen for some time and I just can’t think of what to say. I am in shock today. My writing buddy’s mother passed away this morning unexpectedly. I feel so bad for her. She has dealt with so much loss. I am sending her good thoughts. I would say prayers but I don’t pray. I am not a religious person and haven’t been in some time.

I had my meeting with my pdoc and I don’t know what it is with my psych team, but all we talk about is my book. I think they are more excited than I am. I just wish my editor would get back to me before I lose what is left of my mind. The waiting is getting ridiculous. She told me the middle of March, which is now past. I am hoping to hear from her in the next day or so. Otherwise, I am going to have to do the edits, which also means I won’t have a publishing time of April. It could be May before I finish. I had started the second read through. I just have to finish it.

So tomorrow we are supposed to have a snow storm starting in the evening. I honestly don’t believe we are getting more snow. Then it’s supposed to be sixty degrees on Friday. I wanted to go out to see my therapist Wednesday but now that is not going to be likely because the storm is still supposedly going on. And I don’t drive in the snow. If I can avoid it, I will. Especially since it won’t be my car that I am driving. And I know the storm is coming, at least precipitation because my back has been aching really bad the last few hours.

Since we talked about my book the majority of the time today between my psychiatrist and my therapist, the issue of whether I am a writer came up. My psychiatrist says that I am. So I guess that settles the matter even though I don’t consider myself one. I don’t know why I am having a hard time believing that I am writer. Maybe I am just in denial or something. I consider myself more of a blogger. To me, that is what I do. A writer is someone that writes books. I write blogs, which is different than a book. When my book is published, I can call myself an author. But not before then because I don’t want to jinx it. Yea, the book is done and technically I am a writer because I wrote one book but it is not my profession like my therapist thinks it is. I don’t know if my psych thinks so. I do know that writing has helped me tremendously with my mood. It sort of is a catharsis as I could write whatever and not worry about being criticized for it. Granted I would love to have more comments on my blog but understand not everyone wants to comment. I do the same thing when I read a blog. If there is something worthwhile to say, I will comment. Otherwise, I just give it a like.

My therapist has not read my TG/suicidal mind blog yet. I am kind of nervous about it. Any time my therapist brings up my TG issues, I cringe because I don’t know what kind of feelings it is going to stir up for me. That blog was very emotional for me, which is why I passed it along. I didn’t have to but thought it might be a good conversation starter, sort of. Sometimes I don’t think things through when I get emotional. But who really does? If it is too bothersome, I can always change the topic with my writing. Lately, that has been a good subject she likes to talk about…

Saturday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, transgender, writing

Saturday Blog

I have decided to create a blog called a Saturday blog because I will write it on Saturday. Today I am really struggling. I feel like crap. I woke up early, had breakfast, and then went back to sleep. My ankle was bothering me so I had some pain killers that knocked me out until my fricken crazy cousin kept calling my house and my sisters looking for me. He was under the impression that I had a doctor’s appointment today and he was going to take me to it. I had told him I did on Monday as he wanted to get together for lunch. Monday is kind of a busy day for me. I have therapy in the morning and then see my pdoc in the afternoon. I also have to get there early to sign up for state insurance as I will need it come June. I will just take the financial worksheet that medicare gave me and see if that will suffice for income.

Although my sister told me that I don’t need to file taxes because I am under a certain amount, I feel like I need to. This is the first time in my entire adult life that I won’t be filing. I won’t be getting anything back but I just feel like I should file just in case. I know SSD filed for me and I don’t really have to file but I know I should file my state taxes but I don’t have a printer to do so. I am very anxious about it. I would go to H&R Block like I did last year but it cost me $150 (USD) to file and I don’t have that kind of money nor do I think I should pay that much when I am getting nothing back. I think I have to file my state because of the new law about health insurance. You have to prove that you have it for the fiscal year or you get penalized. I have to file paperwork because of my disability status. I rather just go through H&R Block just so I don’t have to deal with it and they know the taxes better than I do. I hate filing paperwork. I wish I could file electronically but its all complicated now with the different forms. I don’t have W2 but forms. It’s all confusing to me.

Still no fricken word from the editor. I am starting to go out of my mind. I so want to publish this book and be done with it. But like I said in my previous blog, it comes with fears. But I think I am strong enough to deal with it. For the first time ever I feel comfortable in my own skin. I still don’t like it when my mother calls me “she” but I am getting used to it. I don’t think that is ever going to change. I might feel like a he but I am never going to look like one to the outside world. It is really depressing if I think about it. I try not to but this morning I was and I felt suicidal. It didn’t last too long but it was still there. As I told my therapist the other day, if I had a chance to kill myself I would. I just still believe I would be better off dead. I mean, I am never going to be a man. I am stuck in this fricken woman’s body that I completely hate. And because I am a dickhead with money, I will never have the money for surgery to remove my damn things on my chest. I have thought about going to Mexico or some other country to get my breasts removed but then I thought, what if I developed an infection because the surgeon just wanted the money or I am left badly scarred. But then I have thoughts of doing it myself and what kind of job would that be? I know there is an organization in my area that deals with LGBT issues. But I am so afraid that if I make that step, there is no going back. And I also am afraid that I will have to make that commitment to myself. But I am just not there yet. I am afraid that they will have these weird requirements to get the hormones and stuff. Like I will have to lose weight or work out to build muscle but I don’t want to do stuff like that. I am not a weight builder. I never was interested in building muscle I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard and a full mustache. But no matter how baggy my shirts are these things on my chest always sticks out. I know it is worse with my weight and I am trying to lose but it is just so hard. I want to try and lose another fifteen pounds but that will take some doing. Trying to control caloric intake is so difficult, especially when you love sweets and potato chips. I try not to buy but my mother does and there goes my will power. Like this morning I had chips while making my egg sandwich. Granted I was looking for pizza from last night but there wasn’t any left over, or if it was, I don’t know where my mother put it in our full fridge. She has a bunch of left over food and I just don’t like eating leftovers.

So tonight, my crazy cousin invited me over for dinner. I am debating taking a shower. My ankle has already yelled at me once today for standing too long. I don’t want to take more pain meds today because I will just go back to sleep. I just had a cup of coffee so I am awake now. But take a couple of pills and I will be down for the count. He is making sausages and potatoes. I haven’t had that in a while. I try to stay away from sausages because my cholesterol is a little bit high right now. But I know it is high because I have not been as mobile as I have been. Soon as the weather becomes nicer, I will start a walking regimen. If I can tolerate walking around the block a couple of times, I might venture further out. But it all depends on how I do. So far I know my limits and it all depends on if I am in pain or not. I know I have to wear my AFO more. I don’t like wearing it but it’s the only way I can walk without feeling more pain than without it.

just a person interested in writing stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, writing

I am writing earlier than I usually do because I got hit with pain and I am not sure what is going to happen later tonight. I might be too groggy from pain meds to write.

I’m listening to the same 228 song playlist of country music that I have been listening to for the past few months, if not the past year. It helps to listen to the mix because although I have a lot of country music, I also have Daughtry, Goyte, and Train mixed in. Just recently, I added Martina McBride because I miss hearing her voice. She has some really good songs.

I got an email from a friend of mine today. She complimented me on one of my blogs she saw on Linkin. I don’t know what blog it is as I don’t usually put my blogs on that sight. I think it was the Darkness Short Story but I am not sure. I remember “sharing” a post but I just can’t remember which one it is. It frustrates me when I can’t remember. Anyways, I replied asking if she could let me know what blog it was as I have no clue. I also answered a few questions that she had. She wanted to have a meet up and I think that would be fantastic. It has been a few years since I last saw her. I hope we can meet up, but after my book so I can sign copies.

Still no word from the editor. I am becoming more and more anxious as I wait, patiently, for word that she is working on my book. I have been waiting four months so a few more days should cause me fretfulness. I don’t think I can breathe until this project is done. I have tried working on other things to keep my mind off it, but it has been for naught. Even reading has eluded me. I can’t get into the book I am reading and I used to love reading. Or I do read and I find myself “editing”. I never was this way before. I just want this book to be out and then I will deal with the consequences. I know it isn’t going to be in the New York Times best list or even the Boston Globe, and I am not expecting it to. I just want this process to end and to be done with the waiting. I will feel so much better once this person reads it, gives me suggestions/edits so I can load the thing on to the format template and go from there.

Because of March Madness, a local radio station is having a similar “bracket” except instead of basketball, it is the battle of the bands. I foolishly signed up for notifications so I can vote, not realizing they are posting like every fricken fifteen minutes! In every post, they also want you to go to their website to vote there as well so you can win $1000 (USD). I never win anything so I am not signing up. I spent my last two dollars on a scratch ticket hoping I would win something, and I lost.

My writer friend sent me something on suicide attempt studies last night. She thought I might be able to write about it in my blog. But unless I feel strongly about the article, I don’t really write about it. Most of it is just a “DUH” experience for me anyways. But this week’s SPRC (Suicide Prevention Resource Center) had a call for papers. I might enter one of my papers in the journal they are asking for, though my paper is kind of short by about 3,000 words. I don’t know if they will accept it. And I don’t know if you have to be in academia to enter. I don’t hold a faculty position nor am I a researcher at a facility. I am just a person interested in writing stuff. I might try it, just to see if it gets accepted.