Category: blogging

Saturday Blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

It’s Saturday blog time!

I have been trying not to obsess about the sales stats as things have been slow. I got a new buyer today that is selling the book for less than what my book costs and lower what Amazon is offering. It’s a seller I am not familiar with but if they sell my book, I don’t care.

It has been a stressful week. I have been paranoid the beginning of the week but am now settling down. I have had to take increase doses of PRNs (take as needed meds) to keep me from going to the psych emergency room. I got to meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and she was excited about my book. She is my biggest support. I don’t know what I would do without her.

It’s a nice day outside but it’s cold in the house. I am under three blankets and am about to put on a long sleeved shirt. My mother made cookies today, choc chip, my favorite. I hope I don’t eat them all today. LOL Tomorrow is Easter and we celebrate it. I don’t go to church or anything but we have a family dinner.

I don’t know why, but I have been drowsy all day today. I woke up at 11 and have not done anything, other than eat cookies. I did have lunch of fish and chips (fries) while watching the ball game. I also finished making out the customs forms for my shipping out my book overseas. I have two going to UK and one going to Switzerland. I think I might have one going to South Africa but my friend hasn’t emailed me yet on how he wants to proceed.

I unfriended a long time friend last night. He was annoying me and I don’t know what I did but I seemed to piss him off too. Before it escalated any further, I just unfriended him. It really hurt to do that because I have known him for such a long time. But I can’t take sarcastic, rude remarks from him anymore. Funny I am writing this, and “What hurts the most” by Rascal Flatts comes on the radio. It could be that I am overreacting. It has been a long stressful week for me.

This time last week, I was probably sleeping and waiting for approval for my proof to come in. I had not published on Kindle yet, that would come a day later. Amazing how fast a week goes. And I had a HUGE accomplishment to make the week special. Now my book is available in paperback and I have seen the paperback in someone’s hands so I know it is real. I have two proofs that I am not sure what I am going to do with it. I will probably put them somewhere safe. A friend from Mexico gave me this box that smells nice so I might place it in there if the books fit.

I also need to work on my signature. I think that will be my task for the week.

An Accomplishment

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression

Today was a somewhat good day. I did something that I haven’t done in almost five years. I took a shower, then got dressed, and went out. Normally, the shower alone takes a lot out of me and I need a nap. But not today. I feel a sense of accomplishment in doing these three things. I wasn’t out long. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. I wanted ice cream but they didn’t have the flavor I wanted. Bummer. So I got a bag of chips and a Pepsi instead. Not what I wanted but still satisfied my junk food urge.

I have been in a down mood the last few days. Yesterday, all I did was sleep. The high of my book being out has come down. I know it has only been a few days but people aren’t buying, or maybe they are and the stupid stats thing is wrong. It can take up to a month to get the stats sales. So in the meantime, I am trying not to obsess about it, but it gives me something to do as nothing else seems to interest me. I just feel really down. And my brain is like “excited” in a hallucinogenic way. I have been taking my meds but there were a few days I skipped my dose. I wonder if it is catching up to me know. I just feel really paranoid, like I am constantly being watched. I hope it goes away and voices don’t spring up.

The book I am reading about breakout novels is not helping me calm down. It is making me want to write more on my Darkness story but I don’t know what to write. I feel like it is done and it is time to move to my other stories. But I feel like it is too soon to get another book going. I want to relish on my first one for a while before starting the formatting for my new book. The other stuff has been written, I just need to fine tooth comb it to make it perfect. Who knows, maybe it will do better than my first. I just did a Google search and I am on page three. Granted my blog is the majority under the search terms “midnight demon cauda equina). But like anything on Google, you need to type specifics in order for it to be on the first page.

I haven’t had any overseas sales, yet. I am hoping to get them soon as I just posted to my support group again. I also have my writer friend that I am hoping to help spread to her survivor networks. She tried to post on FB and failed because most of the people were at the AAS conference. She said she will try again after Easter.

I am hoping this book does well. I have gotten two good reviews but they are my editor and my cousin. I am thankful they wrote but not sure they really count, but I will take them. It took a lot of me to put this book out there. My second proof has not come yet. The first did and it is crap, of course. I am so glad I looked at the formatted template where they had the copyright page because I totally didn’t put one in. I just worry that someone from somewhere is going to say that I plagiarized the CAMS and Aeschi work that I wrote. I tried really hard to write in my own words as possible but things like the SSF being what it is, I have to explain it in detail. I just can’t say Suicide Status Form and leave it at that. No writer can do that.

Ramblings 68

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Got an email at like 04:00 saying my proof (2nd) was ready to be shipped. I have been up since six. I got maybe five hours of sleep and woke up again in pain. I took something for it but didn’t fall back to sleep. Then around 11:30 my mother calls me and yells at me for not telling her about the book. Her sister called her to congratulate her, not me, about it. My mother was clueless, obviously. I was waiting for the proof (1st) to show up and show her I was an author as she has no idea about the cyber world. And trying to explain what a Kindle is, well, it would be hard. We talked about it at dinner tonight. I told her I was going to surprise her when the proof came but it hasn’t come yet. I told her I sold 4 copies so far. Not bad for first few days.

I am totally spent. I went out to get my mocha and came home exhausted despite having the caffeinated drink. I nearly fell asleep on the bus ride home. I closed my eyes for a few and when I opened them, I was nearly at my stop! Guess it was more than a few minutes!

I had therapy today and didn’t want to talk. She wanted to talk about the book and how I feel and yada yada. I just wanted to talk about nothing to do with the book. I am tired of the book. I spent three days on this book on little sleep! I don’t even know what day it is anymore. I read my comp book today and the last entry was the 3rd of April saying I still haven’t heard from my editor. Man, that was 6 days ago!! And already, I am a published author. (You can get the book through this link if you have Kindle. Book isn’t yet available as a paperback.)

Amazing how things have changed in a few days time. Yesterday I was jubilant, today I am yucky. I just want to sleep but I am denied, even with drugs (legal kind). I just want a good sleep, a restful sleep. But I have been so anxious and nervous, that has been nearly impossible for me to relax. Plus, due to my fuck its mindset, I haven’t filled my pill box for the week. I just have been taking my most important pill and instead of all my pills. I don’t know how many days I have missed. I am going to try and take all my meds tonight (not the whole bottle, just the pills). Maybe then I can get some rest. I know I haven’t taken my mood stabilizer all week. And I don’t remember the last time I took my anti-psychotic. That is probably not good but the voices have not amped up so I think I am good. I just hope I really sleep tonight. I am not planning on doing anything tomorrow, except possibly have a session with my therapist. I am going to need the extra support to deal with my father’s issues on Friday. I really hope that he doesn’t have to go into the hospital. It will so suck because his care is so complicated. I rather have him in where I used to work so it is easier to get to him. But then I really want him at the hospital closest to his home so I don’t have to worry about parking fees. But his primary doc changed location and hospital affiliation to one I despise. I just hope the medication works and he feels better by Friday. Then it will be a load off my mind.

ranting blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Having a pissa of day, literally and figuratively. Sox lost their opening day game. It was a pitchers duel throughout the game. Hard one to lose but unfortunately, Lester left a pitch up in the zone and Cruz blasted it. Costly mistake but it happens.

Then I find out my cousin told my mother where I was today. Normally I wouldn’t friggin mind but I hate it when she asks me fifty million questions about my doc appointment that took forever. I told her I just want to be on medication and as long as it took care of the pain, I was fine with that. She said I had the wrong mentality and then got pissed off at me when I said it was a realist mentality. If she only knew how much medication I take, she would shit a brick, and that doesn’t include the supplements I take. I take more than she does. But she is on insulin so that is ok to take. WTF I don’t get it.

I called my cousin and cussed him out because he told my mother. All because I wouldn’t answer the damn phone. He called me four fricken times while I was waiting for the doc, I shit you not. Sorry if my profanity is getting to you, there will be more swears and if that offends you, I suggest you move on to another blog for today. I am in a pissed off mood and I swear like a sailor when pissed. My cousin apologized. I know he is anxious about his concerns and stuff that I won’t get into here but still, why the hell should he call me four fricken times?? Pisses me off. Then to tell my mother. That just blows it.

The doctor didn’t have anything new to say except see a ankle specialist. Fuck that. I have seen a ton of them and they all said the same thing. Nothing is wrong with me but they can’t find out what is causing my pain. So the hell with them. I told him my pain is less so he cut my medication. I don’t need more than what I have already and we went longer than 30 days in seeing him. I should be fine but today I did too much and I know I will need some meds. Ain’t no doubt about it. We went through the whole speel about my mental health and how my family was and shit. The appointment took forever. My blood pressure was high and so was my pulse (again). But they always seem to catch me just as I walk through the door so I am still hoofing it to the office. Plus I have to walk down the hall to his exam room so that extra blood flowing. He thinks the high pulse rate is because of my pain. Whatever. Long as I got a normal hearth rhythm, I really don’t care. AFib or Atrial Fibrillation runs on my father’s side of the family. Nearly all his family members that I know have it. None on my mother’s side. But then, her side has the mental illness. Afib is an abnormal rhythm disorder in which the heart beats faster than it should. Medication is used to control it and sometimes a pacemaker is needed.

My father just called me. Looks like he doesn’t have an appointment with his doctor like he thought he did because his doc is not going to be in the office tomorrow. Just wonderful. I get to reschedule his appointment but I still got to take him for his blood draw. He was supposed to go today but I figured since he had the appointment it could wait. Fucking A, just to make my life that more difficult. As if I don’t have my own health issues to worry about, I got my father’s to keep track of, too.

Still no word from the editor. Every time my phone goes off for an email notification, I get excited but it’s not her. Guess editing is taking longer than I thought it would. But the night is still young. She could email me later. I like that she also reviews the changes I make after she sends the edits. So I have that going for me. If I ever hear from her. Fuck, this isn’t a long fricken book, just about 52,000 words. She has edited books way longer than that, or so she has written about. Hurry the hell up already!! OK rant over, for today at least.