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Category: blogging
Songless
Songless
I usually have a knack of finding a song that somehow relates to me. But since losing my job and country radio changing their tune to more of hip hop/rock, I have yet to find a song. I have listened to old songs, and they somewhat resonate with me. But nothing new. I do have a radio but don’t really have presets like I do a car radio. And the instructions came in Spanish (I kid you not) so I really forget how to make a preset.
My therapist keeps asking me if there is any new song in my head. There are but none that resonate with me. Like there is a Luke Bryan song that I like about finding someone on the last night of spring break and the heartache that brings. It is called “Night One”. I am waiting for Terri Clark to come out with her new album but it is going to be a while. In the mean time I stuck without a song that I can write about.
Sleepy Saturday
I have been sleeping on and off all day. I think the increase in my mood stabilizer is causing me to feel really tired. Only thing that I have done today is go pick up my prescription. I am planning on taking a much needed shower but haven’t worked up enough energy yet. Funny how I don’t do anything and I run out of spoons so quick.
I still have been procrastinating this paper that is floating around in my head. The reason why I have been putting it off is because I know it is not going to be a long paper. It might be a page or a little more, if I stretch it out. I know I am going to write more about what I know than what I don’t.
Today was pretty warm and we are currently having thunderstorms. I love thunderstorms. I used to walk in them when I was able to walk. I miss walking in the rain. I really miss walking. People take it for granted until they have an injury. I have a permanent injury and I doubt I ever will be able to walk more than a few blocks when I used to be able to walk miles.
I really hate being this tired. I know part of it is the depression. I even lost interest of being on the computer. I go on but I don’t do anything. I scroll on FB but I hardly click on my game rewards. My neighbors are not doing the same missions as I am. I have gotten so behind because I really just play once a day. Some days I don’t even do that. I have lost interest in so many things. I hardly read the books that I have started. I tried going back to “Far From The Tree” but it doesn’t hold my interest for long. I think if I am still this way in June, I’ll go to the hospital like my psychiatrist wants. Maybe it will snap me out of this funk.
The first openly gay player in football has been drafted by the Rams. I wonder how that is going to go. One of my friends from high school predicted he would be 254 and he was really selected as 249.
One of my favorite players from the Nebraska Huskers got picked to the NY Jets. Too bad he is playing for a sucky team. He is such a good player.
a writing ramble
A fellow blogger wrote a blog today about “why write depression every day”. It got me thinking about why I blog every day. Most of my post have to do with depression or pain or some combo of the two. It’s very rare that I don’t write about my feelings of the day, unless I am on a specific topic.
I write every day because it makes me feel better. Blogging is the one tool that I use to express myself. Sometimes it is received favorably, other times, not so much. But I don’t care that much for the likes or comments anymore. I just write anyway. It takes me out of the dark hole that I am in and brings me closer to the light. Writing has helped me deal with the darkness more than therapy has in the last ten years. I like that I can write and express what I feel, no matter how dark, and I find that I am not the only one. Others have feelings like I do about being depressed and suicidal.
Last night, I was talking with some people on the SPSM chat on twitter. It was very interesting. I would love to have Jobes on twitter but I don’t think he will ever be for it. The talk was how to get more therapists in to social media. And that is a tough thing to do. Hell, I have a therapist that is against email so how am I going to get her to twitter? Probably not. There was no specific topic about suicide just about how to spread social media out to mental health professionals. It was an interesting discussion.
The one topic that I am hoping to get around to one of these days, is transgender and suicide. I think it is a hot topic that needs to be addressed by professionals and is just getting ignored. All my therapy always focused on my abuse history but if they saw me, they would have known that I am gay and that I was hurting because of it. Asking questions, in the right way, to a transgender person can be life saving. I wish someone had asked me rather than me coming to the realization 30 years later. I could have had treatment a lot sooner and I could have been happier. Now I am stuck in a body I hate and that I still want to kill. It just isn’t right. Even though my psychiatrist has known me since I was 17, she still thinks of me as a “her”. I almost died when she called me a “girl” at our last appointment. I don’t know if she is baiting me to correct her or she just is ignorant. I have been thinking of writing her an email about it but I don’t think that will solve the problem. I think I am always going to be a “female” in her eyes.
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