first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan

Freezing day

It is cold out, very cold. It is in the single digits. I woke up around 5 in pain. My foot was throbbing. I had to use the bathroom but couldn’t move. I guess I didn’t have to go bad as I went back to sleep. I woke up around 0830 and needed to go. I checked on my mother and was worried as she was sprawled out on her bed. She was having trouble getting up. I helped her up and then used the bathroom. My foot hated me. It felt like it was being crushed. My ankle was telling me to fuck off, too.

I managed to make coffee and breakfast. Just eggs and toast. I didn’t want anything more elaborate but then my breakfast is usually just eggs and toast anyway, unless I buy bacon. It’s been a while since I bought bacon. Maybe I will next week when it is slightly warmer out. After I finished eating, I checked on my mother if she wanted a cup of tea or anything. She didn’t so I went upstairs. I read Facebook for a bit and then Twitter. The orange buffoon was calling himself a genius for winning the presidency. Sometimes I swear he still thinks he is campaigning. Every other day he has something to say about Hilary and how “crooked” she is. Meanwhile 9 million children will have no healthcare, some schools can’t afford heat, and the poor become poorer but it’s totally “okay” that the rich become richer. Dumbass.

My pain just shot up in my foot. This isn’t good. Maybe I will watch Money Pit again. That movie is a good distraction. I would like to read a chapter or two on my baseball book. I haven’t touched it since Monday. I want to try and set a limit on my social media time. I am finding it hard though. It provides me with a needed distraction throughout the day. I got the radio playing as silence was driving me nuts.

Just heard on the radio that a woman in New York wanted a $1 scratch ticket but the cashier rang her up for a $10 one. Not wanting to make a fuss, she paid it and won $5 million. Lucky.

Don’t know what is more distressing. That I have severe suicidal thoughts at night and forget about them in the morning or having the thoughts themselves and not acting on them when I don’t want to live. It also is distressing the severity of realizing I had such thoughts. I don’t recall having severe pain last night so not sure why I was in such despair. I know I wanted to write about it but decided to sleep instead.

Pain has been high most of the day, in spurts of a few hours. Last night my cousin called me. I just hear his ringtone and it annoys me. It was 2130 and he wanted to talk. I wanted to sleep. I was tired. But to him he said that I was frustrated, irritated, etc. I told him, no. I wanted to go to bed. He then told me to call him today when I woke up. I told him I sometimes am up at 7 did he really want me to call him? He said no, around noon would do. I literally was on the phone with him for a minute and thirty seconds. Like what the fuck! Don’t be wasting my time having me call you just for you to tell me you go things to do and you got to work tomorrow. I don’t fucking care. If he calls tonight, I am letting it go to voicemail. Some days I don’t mind talking to him but lately, he just has been annoying as fuck. If he doesn’t get a hold of me, he calls my mother. Or he’ll call my mother to find out where I am, like why can’t he call me? Why does he have to bother her? I hate that!! He acts just like his mother, my mother’s sister, who I can’t stand.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

4 thoughts on “first Saturday blog of 2018, 6 Jan”

  1. ug. stupid man calling for all of a minute. what temp is it in boston? is it in boston the worst of the weather is? I heard on our local news the temps were up to minus 40!

  2. Some parts of Boston are flooded. I don’t know what/where they are going to put the water and other cities in Mass too. A town on the cape (cape cod) got hit pretty bad.everything was underwater.

  3. You heard correctly. Where I am it is -20C. I found a nice conversion calculator on my phone for my UK/Europe friends and Canada/Australia. The dry air is killing my nose. My cousin called again, 2 minutes this time. Like what the fuck. Drives me crazy.

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s