Category: blogging

Fears about my book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

Fears about my book

I thought I would write about the fears I have about my soon to be published book. The editor finally got back to me and I am next in line. I am hoping this means a few days. I am so nervous it’s not funny. I know the book is good and just needs some tweaking.

The fears I have for my book is the reaction my family will have when they read it. I didn’t go postal in the book about them but it is more like “how can you write that” type of thing or “why didn’t you tell me”. I am very fearful that word is going to get back to my mother about my transgender issues and that is not making me feel any better about myself. I don’t know what I will do if she does my ultimate fear and kick me out of the house. I am hoping the financial security I bring in is enough to stop her from doing this. But you never know.

Another fear I have is that my book won’t be well received and I will get hate reviews or people will think I am a freak. This in turn might cause me to wish I was dead and make me again think suicide is my only way out. Dealing with my identity has been a struggle all my life. Any type of rejection and I am bound to think about suicide.

Another fear I have is that the book won’t sell at all, just a handful of copies. I know that is unlikely as I am estimating at least fifty in the first month of its release. I know people in my support groups are going to buy my book so that is some consolation. Then I have the opposite fear, that the book will do really well and I am taken off disability because I made too much money. Again, my estimates are no where near the max and I am going to go slow in releasing the book. But I don’t know if Amazon does its own advertising or promotion. It would be great if my eBook is like 0.99 cents. But overall, I really have no idea how my book is going to be priced. I am estimating it to be $15 USD. It could be more or less than that. I just don’t know. It will be the final stages I am guess I find out, when I am close to hitting the publish button.

Another fear I have is about formatting. I did a dry run and found that I had several errors. Fun to find that out now. But I don’t know how to tweak it when my editor is done or if she will help me with this stuff. I haven’t asked her yet. If she says no, I am left on my own. I figured out how to get it to be “clean” text to place in the format template. But I don’t know how the real thing is going to look like. I think you can get a sample copy, which I am definitely going to do before mass production of the book. I think that will be good so I can make changes. I think this process will slow down my publishing date of the first week in April but who knows, the editor and I could still be working on it for that length of time.

Well I guess that are all the fears that I have.

Pink Rectangular Pill

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

It begins with the shakes. The creepy crawly feeling that you hate. You are not shaking but it feels like you are. All the side effects of the one pill that keeps you sane. Small price to pay for if I miss a dose or don’t take it, I end up in the hospital because the psychosis strikes with a vengeance. The voices have gotten worse as I get older. Luckily, there is something I can take to stop the quivering and restlessness that I feel. But I have to wait till it takes effect thirty or so minutes after I take it. Thirty minutes is a long time when you are feeling like you are crawling in your skin. It drives you crazy. Sad part is that I am not even tired despite today being a long day for me. I watched a movie for the first time in months and actually had the attention span to watch it beginning to end.

The small pink rectangular pill. That is all that makes me sane and crazy at the same time. And it sucks being like this, this crawling in your skin type of feeling. I rather deal with the elastic ball type of feeling where I am being stretched out. That is more tolerable. But I can’t pick which side effect I want. I rather have none but, like I said, it’s a small price to pay. And as long as this isn’t permanent, I am good. I think tonight it started when I noticed the increased in saliva production. I have been drooling a little bit for a while but it stopped too, for a bit. This is the stuff I go through that no one really knows about except for my therapist and psychiatrist. No one else really understands when I say I feel like a rubber ball being stretched out. That I feel like I can’t stand being in my own skin. I have not felt this way in sometime. But then I also have been lax in taking my other white pill to counter act these side effects. I only take them when I need them so if I am not having side effects or feeling symptoms of PTSD, I don’t take it. My doctor trusts me with this judgment. She is not a pill pusher like some docs are. We have a good relationship.

When I feel this way, I can’t help but think bad thoughts. Thoughts that are self destructive. Thoughts of how I wish to be dead. Thoughts that if I only had killed myself before now I wouldn’t be going through this. I still don’t know what my purpose is in my life. It’s not like I am an aspiring country singer. I just am struggling with mental illness. And that is a battle I don’t wish upon no one. It is difficult dealing with these thoughts and feelings when you feel so crummy. It makes the world seem dark and gray. But then my world is dark and gray even on a bright sunny day. It’s hard to see anything else when you have a black cloud trailing you all the time. But that is what depression is. Only dark gray skies can be seen. And within this darkness there is no hope. That is the toughest part of this illness is feeling hopeless all the time. You try not to let it get to you but it sinks into your veins and you have no choice but to accept that things are never going to change. Sure you might be happy that one day but it never lasts. Too bad that pink pill can’t help with that.

Alka-Selzer and therapists

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I nearly just had a heart attack…not a real one just an OMFG YOU GOT TO BE F*N KIDDING ME one. I started word and instead of it loading right away, I got an install thingy, meaning it had to reinstall itself. HUH?? I know I uninstalled office 2013 earlier in the day, but that should not affect 2010, should it? Well, crisis averted because it seems to be working.

I have had a rough day. I again spent most of my session talking to my therapist about writing. Apparently she thinks I should be working on another book, like now. My first one hasn’t even been edited or published and she wants me working on another. Well, that’s a NO. I don’t think she gets that I am not a writer. Sure, I blog and I think I am good at that, but I am not a writer per se. Anyway, all this stress about writing books is making me want to drink. I would actually drink but my stomach is doing flip flops after the burger I had for lunch and my head is spinning because I haven’t worn my glasses for a couple of hours. HELLO Alka-selzer. Because isn’t that what you take when you have a headache and stomachache? I actually like drinking it. It is fizzy and usually tastes good. And it works fairly quickly.

Tomorrow I get to deal with my father. Got to take him for his blood work. I called him today and he was a little irate. Tough shit. I know if I was him, I would opt for a different medication but unfortunately he is (well, will be) 82 and has liver problems so it is kind of limiting what meds he can be on. So I have the aggravation of dealing with him every week for his blood test, unless I hear back otherwise. Did I mention I hate my parents this week?

I usually don’t deal with them on a regular basis. But since I have been getting up early, before 9 am, I have been dealing with my mother. She hasn’t learned that don’t talk to me before I am fully awake yet. So when she tries to have conversation with me that early, I am usually in a pissy mood. I am not a morning person. Today wasn’t so bad because I was actually really awake when I woke up from another weird fricken dream. I don’t remember it but think it had something to do with farms. I made coffee today that was a little stronger than the cup I made the other day. It was good but unfortunately, once I brought it to my room, aka freezer, it got cold really fast and I couldn’t finish drinking it. I had half a cup and that seemed to do it’s magic. It got me working on one of the manuscripts that I have been crafting…and I found that I repeated myself multiple times. UGH. Each time, I worded it differently so that made editing soooo much easier, NOT. I talked about it in therapy. Wrong thing to be talking about. She didn’t understand my dilemma. It didn’t piss me off but it just annoyed me because we were again talking about writing, rather than other stuff.

I don’t know what exactly I wanted to talk about today so I just let her lead me to what she wanted to talk about than what I wanted to talk about. We also discussed writing a book about my therapist experiences. That would be one interesting book. I have had 12 therapists over the course of a ten year span. She is number 12, and she almost wasn’t. After number 11 left me, I wasn’t sure I was going to go back to therapy. I was tired of therapists leaving me. Granted not all 12 left me. A couple I fired, but the majority moved on from their practice and so left me behind. It hurt every time. And that is a big hurt when you are trying to let someone in, you do, and then they leave. Moving on is harder because it just closes you up more. Today, my therapist can’t imagine her life without me in it. And I can’t imagine my life without her, though there are times I wish I could sever the connection. But after 13 years of dealing with her, I think she is a permanent fungus. There is no cure for her.

Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Aggravated

Last night I heard the beep-bloop of the TiVo indicating to me that my show was being canceled. I thought it was a mistake because I know my mother wouldn’t cancel one of my shows. She usually goes to bed around eight and the show was recording at eight. Found out today that she did fucking cancel the recording and my Bones episode didn’t get recorded. I am beyond pissed. After dealing with my mother yesterday morning, her waking me up from a sound sleep, she had the audacity to tell me today that I am sleeping too much. WTF. I can’t take living with my mother anymore. She is driving me nuts with the TV being loud. I cannot believe she told me that. SHE has no idea what my sleep has been like lately. And I got practically no sleep the night before so of course I slept most of the day yesterday. It just pisses me off to no end because she is just a bitch. She doesn’t think she is one but she is. And she is so inconsiderate. Like when she says jump I am supposed to say how high. Fuck that. She asks me to do anything, it’s not happening. My monthly payment to her is going to be lower this month because fuck her. I pay the cable bill. I am behind on it anyway so I can justify not paying her half my check.

I was in therapy today and we talked about my writing. She wants me to continue writing my connection piece and she thinks my “write the pain” blog should be included in the book. UM, I don’t think so. The book has nothing to do with pain. Sometimes my therapist is a loony tune. I swear we spent the majority of the session on my writing and my book. Still no word from the editor on when she will be working on it. I swear when she tells me she is, I am going to be popping Ativan every hour. I am going to be a wreck. The editor has been having some problems so I think there is going to be more of a delay. But if she doesn’t get back to me by the end of the month, I swear I am going to ask for a refund. I will take my business somewhere else. I can’t be waiting forever.

I went to the post office today and then went to my sub shop for a couple of slices of pizza. Now I am hungry again and I want a burger. Think I will just make a bowl of cereal. I know I am hungry because I didn’t have my usual breakfast of a fried egg and toast. I could make that for my dinner tonight. Trouble is, my ankle is still bothering me so standing for any length of time hurts. I just walked to the sub shop and when I came home I was hurting. I don’t have a car. I wish I did. I would take it to my other sub shop to get my burger. But then I don’t need the headache of car and insurance payments.

I told my therapist today that I hope to see her in person next week. I am planning on taking my sister’s car and making the trek to her office. I hope that I can take my sister’s car that day. I need the car this week to take my father to his fricken blood draw. He doesn’t know this yet but I will call him tomorrow and tell him. I just hope it doesn’t snow that day. It will suck and I hate driving in that muck.