Category: blogging

still paranoid

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, psychosis

Past few days I have been dealing with extreme paranoia. Today I wanted to baracade myself in my room because I just didn’t want to deal with anyone. I just felt like everyone is going to kill me or harm me in some way. The weekend doctor on call (DOC) increased one of my medicines and now I am feeling wonky. I just woke up from a nap just before dinner and I am afraid that if I take another nap, I won’t sleep through the night.

I have a male nurse tonight for a contact person. I don’t know if that is good or bad. He didn’t really check in with me last night. I wasn’t expecting him to. I might talk to him later if I need to.

My Pats are winning so that is good. My Sox lost last night and I couldn’t watch the game after the starting pitcher on my team walked a good hitter. I was really frustrated that no bats were flying. Same might happen tonight as Detroit has another good pitcher on the mound tonight. I don’t think I will be staying up late to watch the game. I am too paranoid and keep looking over my shoulder. It is not good to be around other people today. I have my blue tooth headset playing my music and that is calming me down. I hope this paranoia goes away, and soon. It is an awful feeling.

The weird part of all of this is that my ankle pain has been minimal. I am hardly in any pain. Very weird…

decisions

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, psychosis, suicide

Yes, my baby has been returned to me and she appears all well and good! I got the delivery just before 1. Now I have a decision to make regarding the hospital, should I go in now or tomorrow. I still am feeling edgy, though the psychosis seems to be lessening. I just don’t feel right. Maybe talking with someone will help and being in the ER environment sometimes is enough to get me back to where I need to be. If I just pack a few clothes in my back pack and stuff, I might just look like I am going in to talk. If I do get hospitalized at least I have my larger bad packed and my sister can give it to me. But then I will be dependent on her and I hate that. I just know that if I carry all my stuff they will talk me into the hospital where as if I just carry light, I might not.

I hate these decisions and I know that it just comes down to me. I just hate when it always falls on my shoulders. I feel is so much responsibility and I just can’t bare it. I would love a ride to the hospital as that would make it easier than taking public transportation. I just wish I knew what to do. I just called my therapist. I already texted her but she doesn’t always respond right away. I would page my pdoc but she would just leave the decision making to me. I know what to say to get admitted and what not to say. Thing is, being psychotic never bodes well for just saying hi and bye. I am really struggling with myself and I don’t like it. It’s like I am drowning and every time I come up for air, I get pulled back down.

I really hope my therapist has a session today. Then maybe we can talk and tomorrow morning I can just go in without worrying about canceling my appointment with her.

psychosis and pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I wasn’t going to blog today but seeing as I can’t sleep because of pain, I thought I would at least give an update.

I am not doing well. My foot has so many different types of pain going on right now at varying levels that I just want to scream. I am waiting for pain meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I did a lot today. I picked up my niece from her after school program and went to Walgreens a few times because even though I got an email saying my prescription was ready, it wasn’t. The doctor’s order didn’t go through yet. But no matter. I got some donuts and my pop tarts that I have been craving. I will NEVER buy “Nice” products again!! Their donuts suck! Actually, I have yet to find a “Nice” product that didn’t suck.

I called my pdoc today to give her an update on the psychosis. She wanted me to go into the hospital. I don’t feel like it. I think that maybe I should but I got to get through this pain flare up. I know they aren’t going to readily give me my pain meds on the unit. I had hell the last time I was on the psych unit to get them. And especially how the stupid script is written, I probably won’t be able to take two at a time like I do when I am home. Sometimes one does suffice, sometimes it doesn’t. I also have to be wary about my birth control pill as I don’t want fucking break through bleeding again. The idiot admitting doc always puts meds at the morning and I take all my meds at night, right before bed. I will have to stress that to the docs and admitting nurses because if I get a call at 8 in the morning to take my meds I am going to be more than pissed off.

I still have the song on loop in my head. And the lyrics are still talking to me about death and dying. I haven’t told anyone. I was going to tell my sister tonight but she was wicked stressed from work I didn’t want to burden her more. I will eventually because it looks like I will be going in. I just want this flare up a little bit under control before I do go in.

It’s really going to suck being inpatient because I won’t be able to blog. I might be able to if I have access to my phone but there is no guarantees that I will. I still am planning on what to pack for clothes and stuff. I have no idea what I am going to read, if anything. I find it hard to read anyways while in the hospital but I might be able to finish the Lincoln book I am reading if I take it with me. Only thing is, it’s a heavy book and I am not sure I want the extra load as I might have to take the T home if my sister is unable to pick me up. I want to pack light but I usually over pack or take too much. I usually end up taking the T to the hospital anyways. This time I am thinking I might go to where I used to work as I am afraid I will end up somewhere else. Only trouble is that I don’t know where I will end up. I hope that I will go where I was before but am afraid the ambulance ride will cost me too much like when I went to the city hospital near my town. Since going on a new insurance, I don’t have 100% coverage like I used to have. I think I have like 80% coverage or something like that. I know I want to bring just one bag with me. And maybe a backpack. I usually pack a bag of clothes and then my backpack has my reading stuff and journal. I usually also carry my pillow as the hospital pillows suck!

I hope the extra trilafon that I am taking helps. I really don’t want to go in the hospital if I can avoid it. But a part of me knows what is probably not going to be possible with the level of psychosis that I have been having.

songs and their meaning to me

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I had my sister’s car today and lucky for me, Taylor Swift’s Fearless CD was the first disc in her CD player. I listened to “Love Story” at least five times while riding around town. It got me thinking about my therapist for some reason, all the struggles we have been through over the years and now we have a “love” that only we know about. The lyrics really struck a chord with every verse. No matter how many times I have listened to this song, I never get tired of listening to it. I can hear it all day and love it just as much as when I listened to it the first time.

Then when I came home, I decided to listen to my Taylor playlist. First song was “Enchanted”. It always reminds me of the time I had my first poster session at the American Association of Suicidology 41st annual conference. It was when David Jobes read my poster and I was flipping out, though I tried not to let him see me freak out. I was just so honor and star struck that he was reading my work, Ten Faces. Funny how songs can stir up these memories.

I did a little editing today but didn’t make it to twenty pages. I only did seventeen. I did it while I was at my favorite Starbucks drinking a new coffee, Jamaica Blue Mountain. It was very good but I couldn’t finish it all. I was too full. Now I am home and think I want to take a nap before I have to pick up my brother in law at the train station. I woke up at seven this morning. It’s going to be a long day because the Sox are on tonight. The game doesn’t really matter (to the Sox) but do matter with the O’s. I feel bad that Manny Machado go hurt and will miss the postseason. There are just three more games in the regular season for the Sox. I don’t know when the first playoff game is yet. I have to look into it. But then I don’t know who they are playing. I don’t know if they will play the wild card or what. I hope Texas wins the wild card. I just hate playing the Rays.

I still am feeling hopeless. I can’t wait to see my psychiatrist next week to give her an update and see if she has any suggestions. Maybe a new antidepressant is out there that might help me, though I doubt it. But she might have something that might help lessen the dissociative episodes. I guess I don’t have to be on Neurontin to get into them. My therapist keeps telling me that since she has known me, I have been dissociative in nature. I don’t have a true dissociative identity disorder (DID), but I do have DID, NOS (not otherwise specified). I don’t think this stuff made it to my book. I just talked about my suicidality, but seeing as most of these blogs have been really good, I might include them as a chapter. It would be interesting, I think.